By Aunty Julie

Dear Julie,

I am a married woman with two children. My husband is an office executive and earns good pay. But I’m not getting sexual satisfaction in my marriage. I am also employed and working though I have a business too but lack of sexual satisfaction in my marriage has left a deep urge in me.

File: Sexual attractions at work

I am sexually attracted to a man at work and I have given him all the signs which he understood and followed up.

He is also married but is equally attracted to me and we have been having sex in the office at the slightest opportunity.

I know that very soon, tongues would start wagging and the gossip will spread. Some of my colleagues have started giving me the ‘I know something’ look but couldn’t say anything to my face.

What do I do about this?

Sekinat, Abuja

Dear Sekinat,

Are you asking for my opinion on whether you should continue this workplace dalliance? Sexual attraction in the workplace is readily combustible and often hard to resist or extinguish once the fires start raging. Let me tell you something; when you continue and this gets prolonged, it would rarely stay neat, sweet and discrete.

Both of you are married and none of you would leave his or her spouse for a variety of reasons, ranging from the psychological to the financial. Then the guilt eventually becomes a disruptive third party making the rendezvous increasingly conflicted and neither lover is absolutely immune, whether married or single.

It’s also possible that you are acting out anger toward your spouse with an affair as you are not getting sexual satisfaction in your marriage. Usually, it’s better to confront the problems in your marriage, decide if you can or cannot make the marriage work and start over, sadder and wiser, in your marriage or on your own.

I’ve been a rape victim severally

Aunty Julie,

I’m not really sure where to begin. I came from a happy home, even though my parents were divorced. I’m a 300 student at the University. During my first semester, I was raped-date rape, alcohol related. I moved on with my life.

Two months later, I got married but nine months into my marriage, I got pregnant, then miscarried. I still tried to move on in life and continued my education. Almost three years after the first rape, I was raped again. This is where I feel like I am going literally crazy.

I reported this one to the police, but I think that was a bad idea. I can’t handle the stress this has brought on! It is affecting my education and I feel like quitting. I would hate myself if I gave up. I have to finish school. I just need help rearranging my life.

Ada, Benue

Dear Ada,

I really feel for you and I suspect you are struggling with post-traumatic stress. There’s the horror of the rape, then the added anxiety, if not trauma, of the police investigation, especially if not handled sensitively.

Also, if you were intoxicated on the date rape, then you may have guilt feelings about your “contributory negligence.” Remember, even if you had too much to drink, you weren’t “asking for it,” you weren’t asking to be raped!

And the second rape can also stir unresolved grief around your miscarriage. Now, I’m not sure where your marriage comes in regarding the sequence of rapes. But I’m sure this is also tortuous for your husband.

Get some individual counselling with a woman who has expertise in rape/sexual abuse and, perhaps, with women who have miscarried . Next, some couple counselling to help you and your husband cope with the traumas. Please don’t allow shame or unfinished grief about the rapes, the miscarriage or your disrupted school performance keep you from getting the help that you need and deserve.

I’m stuck in this marriage

Aunty Julie,

I have been following your column and now, I have a problem that I need to be solved. I’ve been in a relationship with my female partner for approximately 22 months, and it’s been going downhill since the beginning.

Lack of communications and commitment seems to be the main problems. I work in an oil firm and occasionally travel offshore and that is where most of the problems occur when we don’t see each other that much.

Sometimes when I’m at home, she has to go to work in another town. It’s not a far distance but I manage to see her as often as possible.

Both of us have suffered temptation and I have this feeling we have both given in to it at different times. Lately we’ve been talking about breaking up, but the problem is we fear being lonely. Help me out here.

Dapo, Lagos

Dear Dapo,

Lack of communication and commitment are big obstacles. But what worries me is why each of you are afraid to be alone when you are without each other most of the time. And talking about lack of communication, why is this lacking?

Usually, people have difficulty with being alone when they are anxious and they have to distract themselves continuously and when they are not feeling good about work or their social life or when they have not developed any creative outlets .

Does that mean that outside each other, you do not have one or two close friends you can share genuine issues with?

Of course, let’s not minimize the 22 months the two of you have been together. That’s a significant period of time, even if the relationship has been sliding downward for awhile. You both may need the help of a friend, family member, teacher, spiritual advisor or, maybe, a counselor to help you grieve the end of the relationship.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. But clinging to each other out of some dysfunctional fear will just block your ability to emotionally grow and fully move on with your individual lives. It has also been discovered that often, young adults have several unfinished emotional issues and conflicts with their families of origin.

Sometimes, these conflicts linger and can contribute greatly to communication difficulties. Your current partner is a catalyst for stirring up your old emotional “hot button” issues that predate her. And being unfinished emotionally with family also correlates with being unsure of one’s self-esteem and sense of identity. This vulnerability will certainly make commitment a daunting prospect.

Should I make the first move?

Dear Aunty Julie,

I was really impressed with some of the answers you gave to the questions posed to you. I need an objective third party to help with my situation. I was working for an academic, and I noticed a male student around 26 years old who seems interested in me.

Several times, there have been intense eye contact between us and he has stared at me many times. I wonder if I should make the first move of walking up to him.

But if this guy could have enough nerve to stare at a woman like that over a period of several months, I feel that he would have the guts to approach her? Does that mean he didn’t hold a sincere interest in the first place? Should I forget having any interest in him whatsoever?

I am 25 years old.

Henrietta, Port-Harcourt

Dear Henrietta,

It’s possible, like you, he doesn’t feel comfortable taking the first step. Was he also working for the academic? Some folks become more reserved socially in work settings.

Also, I believe a female has as much right and responsibility to initiate or engage in social feedback and even a little flirtation. Clearly, a smile or hello is just fine.

At the same time, I don’t want to overlook his behaviour. Maybe he isn’t sufficiently self-confident; perhaps he feels a bit intimidated. Maybe you both are sensitive to rejection. And, yes, it’s possible staring may have some hostile implications. He might be angry with you because he doesn’t feel worthy of you.