By Bunmi Sofola

“I believe it is totally unrealistic for any woman to be expected to feel love for a child she hadn’t carried through pregnancy and brought into the world”. Declares Serah, a 48-year old school proprietress, six years into a second marriage to Nathan. They both had two children each from their previous marriage. She continues: “If you haven’t cared for them when they were helpless babies, or kissed a toddler’s graze better, how can you be expected to love them the same way as your own flesh and blood?

Miracle Children in Lagos

“The fact is I didn’t enter willingly into a relationship with these two. I fell in love with Nathan, not his children – they just came as a part of the package. Everything I do for them is out of duty to their father and it didn’t take a soothsayer for his children to work that out.

How could they fail to? No amount of hot home-cooked meals is every going to alter that fact. Yet if you see me with my step children you’d never realise I feel like this.

“As the proprietress of a school I’m always involved in most of the sport6ing activities and it was on one of these games that I met Nathan. We got chatting one Saturday during a sporting activity and I learnt he’d been divorced eight years earlier, while I’d just had mine. I wasn’t looking for another relationship and Nathan was only someone whose company I enjoyed, but nothing more. He ran his accounting business from home and he was quite successful.

A few months later, he asked if he could take me out for dinner. I quite enjoyed getting dressed up, we really connected and there was an undeniable spark between us – it was a memorable first date. A couple of months later, I was practically living in his house with his son and daughter. My own children too moved into Nathan’s but we kept my house on the school premises.

“Suddenly, I found my workload doubled and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do it well for Nathan’s sake, as much as for our children. I wanted to treat them all equally, so while I’d always been strict about homework and routine with my two, I decided to apply the same rules to Nathan#s children. I like to make sure they have everything ready the night before school, getting the home help to wash and iron uniforms, ready for them to wear the following morning.

“My stepchildren are sometimes grateful for what I do for them, but school nights can be a battle zone as they defiantly play on their computers and iPad day long after the 10 p.m curfew. I think this is mainly because they have different boundaries in their other home and their mum, so they find it difficult to follow my rules.

The problem is that when they’re with their mother, they can go to bed later. If that’s what she wants to do, fine. But if they behave like that in my house then my children will want to do the same and that’s unacceptable. When his children repeatedly challenge me on this, any affection I have begun to develop for them drains away.

“Thankfully, I have no experience of what it is like when the shoe is on the other foot – my children spend weekends with their father with whom I have maintained a good relationship, but he doesn’t have a resident lower, so there is no stepmother with another set of rules for them to navigate.

“Nathan’s teenage daughter and I got on well to start with, until she realised things were serious between her father and me. As soon as we got married, she went from being friendly to being really a pest. She’s mercurial – at times charm personified and al others frustratingly mischievous. I’m under no illusions at all about her feelings for me.

Of course, she doesn’t love me. Why should she? But that hasn’t stopped me trying to buy her affection. I’ve spent a fortune on clothes and hair dresser’s fees only for her to be running me down behind my back. Understandably, there is little love lost on my part for her. But at least she’s old enough to lead her own life, unlike her brother.

“as well as a strict evening routine, another of my requirements is that everyone must pick up after themselves. I’m happy to do all the housework because I’m unashamedly house proud – but my children have it drummed into them that they must keep their bedrooms tidy. If my nine-year-old son can do this, then why can’t my teenage stepson?

I repeatedly have to ask him not to leave his things on the floor and put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket. It can be very frustrating, and because of his lack of respect, I’ve found it difficult to develop any deep affection for him. It’s hard to love a child who obviously cares so little about what’s important to you.

“Thankfully, Nathan is supportive and tends to come down on my side – he’d rather I discipline them than let them get away with misbehaving or being discourteous towards me. Still, there have been numerous times over the past three years when it’s all become overwhelming. I’ve been close to throwing in the towel and destroying a marriage with a man whom I love deeply.

“My stepson still come through the door and leave smelly footwear in the sitting room and his clothes whenever he drops them. Then he has something to eat and just leaves his plate on the table. There have been more than a few times when I’ve spoken sharply to him. That has resulted in him complaining to his father that I don’t like him. To be fair to him, his father always sticks up for me. He repeatedly has to say: `It’s not the point – you’re only being asked to pick up after yourself. If you don’t like it, then don’t stay. You can always live with your mum’.

“The thing is, my parents split up when I was young and when my dad remarried, I suddenly had to navigate choppy waters with a step-mum, there was the awkward stage when I’m sure she didn’t love me either. It took a few years, but we ended up getting along really well. I still see her on a regular basis and my children call her `grandma’. So, maybe things will change. But will we ever get to a stage where my stepchildren tell me they love me and I love them? In truth, I don’t know. Right now, I find it impossible to imagine. All I can do is hope!”

Hocus-Pocus? (Humour)

A young couple were driving down a narrow country lane when suddenly the man took a corner too quickly and ploughed into the back of a car that had pulled up into the ditch to mend a puncture. Badly shaken, the couple got out to inspect the damage but the driver of the car was nowhere to be seen. Then 100 yards town the road, they spotted a very small man sitting cross-legged on the ground, chanting to himself.

“Excuse me”, said the man, “would you happen to know where the driver of this car has gone?” “He’s gone to get help”, replied the little man, “but don’t go. I must thank you for setting me free. I am a genie and I was imprisoned in that car for many years but now the crash has released me, so I can grant three wishes. One for each of you and the third for me”. Immediately the man said, “I wish for a Lotus Elan, what beautiful car!”

“Then it will be yours”, replied the genie. “And I would like a house on millionaires’ row” enthused the wife. “Then, that too will be yours”. He continued, “Now it is my turn. I would like to have my way with your wife. It is many years since I had a woman”.

Appalled at the idea, but realising their wishes could not come true if they refused, the wife and the genie got into the back seat of the car and down to business. Some minutes later, the genie sat back with a satisfied smile on his face and said, “By the way, how old is your husband?” “”Thirty-three”, she replied, looking puzzled. “Fancy that! Thirty three and he still believes in genies!?”