By Ugoji Egbujo
Idi Amin was sick. He sought to be officially addressed as “ His excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal, Al Hadji, Doctor, Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO,MC, Lord of All the beasts of the Earth and fishes of the seas and conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in general and Uganda in particular, the life and death of Uganda.

But many, even the well educated , suffer debilitatingly from varying degrees of same madness

“…Let me recognize the presence of the outstanding , honourable and erudite , Pharma , Professor , venerable , Ekwurekwu Amadioha …and last but not the least, the presence of our dear own respected, distinguished and amiable , Pharma , Associate Professor Mrs Prosperity Valerie Scholastica Green…..” (real names with held). The announcer was a senior lecturer , the venue was university of Nigeria , Nsukka and the occasion was the swearing-in of new pharmacists. You would think that universities would set standards in simplicity , etiquette and decorum. That they would in revulsion to the likes of Idi Amin embrace self effacement and hope to redirect the society towards moderation. But who sells private lecture notes and sells honorary degrees and sells m—ks?

Nigerian Lawyers , self acclaimed learned men, insist they are addressed as barristers, so why won’t Nigerian muslim prilgrims after cling to that title “Alhaji” like their lives depend on it . Mere name for pilgrims which no one in the Middle East holds onto. It must border on a limiting sense of self inadequacy for a man to find his self esteem in mere titles , even titles appropriated without regard to global social and professional standards. And the practice in a sense facilitates the elevation of mediocrity as impressions become more important than substance and virtue. World of make- believe . Almost everyone here who has some money insists on being addressed as ‘doctor’ because he has purchased one or two dubious honorary doctorate degrees.

This disease is ultimately crippling . Intoxicated by absolute power, one Joseph Desire metamorphosed into a maniacal despot and renamed himself Mobutu Sese Seko Koko Ngbendu wa za Banga – “the all powerful warrior who because of endurance and an inflexible will to win , will go from conquest to conquest leaving fire in his wake”. Later he appropriated : Father of the nation; Redeemer.

.Attend any child dedication or baptismal service and you are hit with Divine, Integrity, Success, Prosperity , Abundance and perhaps, soon – “It shall be well with you”. These names do not sound artificial or contrived because they are supposedly prophetic but because they are native thoughts uttered in a foreign language . Naming with intent is an African heritage. Africans naturally speak of their hopes and ambitions and circumstances in the names of their children. But when struggling parents prefer Prosperity to Uba ( Uba is the Igbo word for prosperity/wealth), they reveal a certain desperation . A tendency associated with an emerging dependence of the society on magical transformations rather than studious hard work , on willing things into being by incantations rather than gradual organic growth spurred by effort. A phenomenon in our religious society where holiness, like success , is appropriated without rigour by declarations rather than meticulous diligent faithful work in Godly living. Fitting names in native African languages acquire a coarseness when delivered in the language of the colonial master.

Africans who converted to Christianity were once told that native names could not be sufficiently Christian, were paganish. So Africans were taught some European fanciful name taking. Colonization came with cultural domination especially in the southern parts of the country. Islamic culture and names took hold of the north and have remained largely unchanged. Southerners and Christians took names from the Bible and took meaningless English names from the clerks of the district registry.

Amongst those that sought some anglicization were rural people who spoke and understood no word of English language. They left what they understood for George and Fynecountry and Boniface.

Look at the names taken , you must conclude that the registers sent to the Niger delta must have been special – filled with Yellow, Henekin, Green , Purple, Pebble whiskey, Johnbull. Where did Lulu-briggs and Cookey- Gam come from? And some of these names have disastrously managed to become surnames. Different registers for different regions must account for why some names like Cletus and Sydney and Ambrose are common amongst Igbos while any Lucky or Goodluck is almost certainly from the South South . The Yoruba who didn’t mingle with the Portuguese managed to stay away from the corruption of the English. It baffles me how the Yoruba managed to resist the incursion of English names but took everything else the English brought. And when they took Islamic names they made them their own and Aisha would become Aishatu.

Igbos say when a person is given a name his gods accept it . And Yoruba native names are loaded. Many African parents, in spite of colonization, named children in their native tongues and a bit more thoughtfully. Names weren’t just tags but means of prophesy and of cultural and ethnic identification.

The superstitious and the faithful will claim names can affect destinies. So content rather than rhymes and fantasies ruled name- giving. Some will tell you that without the Goodluck in Jonathan his story would have been different. Who knows why Tompolo was named Government?

In these days when men wear yellow shoes on red trousers and many trousers now hang just above the knees instead of the hips so that under wears are now for public viewing , names now sometimes border on the ridiculous. It is , however , understandable that anyone who considers names as nothing beyond mere identification, mere tags, can reasonably name a child ‘203’ or ‘Picnic’ . But any African for whom names mean a bit more , names should be well thought out and should be in native language. Superficiality and rhymes chasing ends in Melinda and Vannessa rather than Ekaette, Ronke and Amaka. Nkrumah believed in Africanism and named his sons Sekou and Gamal after great African leaders.

Many pastors have urged their members who have surnames bordering on ‘idolatory’ to drop them to avoid what they claim are negative spiritual consequences. While one would not want to dabble into the spiritual propriety of that philosophy, it would be at least culturally edifying if those who drop “Nwaekwensu “ ( child of the devil) pick “Nwachukwu” ( child of God) and not fanciful names like Daniels or John Williams or Harrison. Jewish surnames are for Jews. English surnames for the English. The Chinese won’t take Igbo names

Religion is at the core of human existence so a Christian can meaningfully bear Peter or Paul , and a Muslim can bear Ali or Mohammed , as middle names .But it would amount to a calamitous cultural capitulation for Igbo or Yoruba or Hausa Christians to end up with Jewish surnames . Don’t ask me why most Muslims of northern Nigeria have Arabian surnames. I think Africans must have African surnames. You can be a Namedina and be very sinful. Names can’t save.

Some villages in the Eastern Nigeria in consonance with the philosophy that names may have negative spiritual connotations have changed the names of their communities , names given by their ancestors. I do not subscribe to ill thought out large scale erosion of cultures. The name of a village is a cultural heritage and does not belong to any one age and cannot be changed so casually. These names are largely innocuous . Many villages and towns are named after rivers and most of these rivers were idols at some point. If we actually diligently seek to purge our cultures of all things that have association with ‘ idolatory’ we will have no native cultures left because the lives of our ancestors were perhaps inseparable from the spirituality of their time which is now ‘idolatory’ for many of us.

It is sometimes uplifting to change a name. Take the name Belgian –Congo, it was an emblem of subjugation. The name Nigeria isn’t much different from Upper Volta but we have had no reformative leader like Sankara to think up something as meaningful and as indigenous as Burkina Faso. We are perhaps too disunited to contemplate a change after all how long did it take Ghana to slough off that emblem of colonialism – Gold coast.

Onitsha should be Onicha and Owerri should be ‘Owere and Enugu Enugwu . How did the English get the proper Yoruba spelling of the towns in the west only to mangle those in the east? . We corrupt our languages and cultures when we adopt mistakes foreigners made. And many advertise ignorance , affected sophistication, by pronouncing their own native names using contrived foreign accents.

Ali nay the greatest and Mourinho the ‘special one’ and Jonathan, once shoeless, may not be ‘clueless’. But One can be a Mama peace who spends a lifetime stoking political fires and knocking things to pieces.

Sobriquets like real names may never influence destinies. Many named Mary are harlots and you can be the ‘giant of Africa’ who lives in darkness. So Lagos with Amukoko and Badiya, with people who defecate openly in broad day light on public highways, with LATSMA who are area boys in official uniform , claims centre of excellence. Many names are words of faith, you know the business of calling those things that are not as if they were. Or Perhaps excellence is relative, since Aba is what it is then Lagos must be excellent. And there is no guarantee any miracle happens in a “Now Now miracle Church”. Pres Jonathan once thought he had a “game changer” called Muazu. And many once flocked to one jesus of onyingbo.

Princes now litter the country. As new autonomous communities and emirates are churned out , new traditional rulers are minted. And in Igbo land where he who has the most money claims the stool, a petty smuggler of secondhand clothing at Seme border will mount the throne ahead of professors and his children whom Gov Fashola had saved from street trading foisted on them by their fathers greed will become princesses.

And the names of the titles these chiefs bear expose their preoccupation with vanity and sybaritism . “Osi na nwata buru ogaranya” (wealthy from child hood) and “Osimiri “ (River) fell into disuse when vainglory took to newer heights and “Osimiri atata” ( the river that never dries) and “Erime agwuagwu” ( inexhaustible wealth) became superior titles. You can’t stand rogue Latsma officials yet you claim you are “ Agu n’eche mba “ (the lion that protects his people)

But I pity them all, Engineers, Pharmas , mama peace and ‘distinguisheds’ and ‘honorables ‘ and barristers and supreme apostles because they have gone for small frogs and yet must answer frog eaters. Emulate this – “His Imperial Majesty Emperor Haile Selassie 1, the Kings of kings of Ethiopia, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, Elect of God. King of the order of Solomon.”