By YETUNDE AREBI
Just before the elections, I published the unfortunate development on the story of a young couple battling with problems of sexual differences. The wife had finally been kicked out by her in-laws who were unable to understand nor appreciate why the couple should still remain together, especially after four years of marriage without a child. The problem had started when the husband referred to as “worried guy” caught his wife in their matrimonial bed with a vibrator.

His inability to accept his wife’s sexual orientation and passion, as well as change his own views and attitude towards sex and sexuality issues forced him to confide in his mother. His mother quickly took action the way she thought best at that moment and now the “prostitute” has been kicked out. Not a few readers have expressed shock and disappointment over this separation, urging worried guy to disregard his family’s position and bring back home his wife, whom many continue to see as a good woman. I have brought you the first set of their many reactions. I am still hoping that this separation will be only for a very short period and allow the partners to identify their shortcomings as individuals and partners in a relationship. As usual, I promise to keep you posted on developments. Do have a wonderful weekend.

Dear Yetunde,

The woman got a solution to her urges, and said it will not affect the marriage. The husband should just take it as his cross and move on with the marriage or he should try and make it up to her at least 60% satisfaction. It’s actually better than doing it with another man. I will not be in support of that.

Why will you in the first place neglect that side of your relationship and think everything will be fine? You are satisfying yourself and forgot about the other party. You create less time and still not make it up to her with that little time you have for sex. And you are thinking it’s gonna be alright? What if is the other way round? Will you still want to impose sex on the woman or you will take it that way? Will you find a solution to it like she did? Ask yourself so many questions and see what you will come up with.

Your marriage is you life, so manage it well … It is not all about your policy all the time, you are in it together and you have to in every situation. Your mother cannot decide for you. Why on earth will you tell your family what happens in your marriage? Are you kidding me? They will advise you on what they can actually take. They won’t be real to you and won’t think about it deeply. Your life is your life, what you can actually live with.

This must have been your conclusion before wedding, before you even decided on getting married at all. Maybe you never even had sex before your marriage. You don’t know how long you can last on a round of sex? You don’t know how much she really wants sex, you don’t know how much she can hold herself when it comes to sex. You don’t know if you can actually live with her sex life.

This is your cross, carry it. Build your home, make it up to your woman. Money is not everything. Vibrator is still good. Don’t push your woman outside for another man to do what you have never done before. If you love her, make her happy. Put a smile on her face, let her see reasons why you should come home every day. Why you should sleep on same bed every night. Let her know you are the reason why she smiles. Let her appreciate you. Let her cook the best food ever. Sex is part of your home, your marriage. Sex is just the reason why every woman smiles at her husband.

Kayode David O.

Dear Yetunde,

I don’t know how much to blame the worried guy, but his wife is a good wife and is such a dearie. I hope he will wake up someday and see the reality of things on ground from another perspective. I also want to advise him to come and buy my herbal medication for the improvement of his healthy being as a man. I assure him that his wife will love him more and the sky will be the limit for their sex life.

jcim_royal212@yahoo.com

Dear Yetunde,

Forgive me for writing for very selfish reasons. I read the first part of this story a very long time ago and couldn’t help feeling great sympathy for the wife, for marrying such a “not so understanding husband”. Sexual desires and emotions can be very difficult for sexually sensitive people to cope with. The effects of the stigma attached by culture and religion is akin to inhumane discrimination by society. Although I am happy she finally split from her hubby, I weep for the manner in which it happened and all that she must have fought against. At some point, she must have felt like committing suicide.

I pray she doesn’t. I hope she finds the courage to deal with the shame, and move on. If she would like to start over, make new friends (and loved ones) that won’t judge, that will accept and appreciate her for who she is… I am gladly and humbly volunteering my friendly, faulty self to her. I would be grateful to you for introducing us, if you don’t mind.

Yours truly, (but not so constant reader)

Contact withheld

Dear Yetunde,

Why would anybody tell his mother anything, anything at all about his marital problems? When is he going to grow up? Do you think Mummy’s boy will   find another Woman? What also is this issue about Pastors becoming too Powerful or knowing it all? (I can’t remember that part)

Regards,

Tayo tayoawox@gmail.com

Dear Yetunde,

I am not an avid reader of your column but I must confess that I am impressed with how far you went seeking to assist a fellow human with his burden. May God bless you dearly.

I am a religious person, but I will try to be as reasonable and balanced in my views expressed here.

FIRST: FAMILY/OUTSIDE INTERFERENCE

This is one mistake many couples make and only a handful survive to tell the tale. “What God has yoked together, let no man put apart” is a common saying from the Bible. No matter how good our intentions, we have been restricted in the extent to which our assistance should affect a married couple’s life. Those with genuine respect for God and the Bible will observe limits when advising or counselling a married couple on their issues.

They sought each other out, as we see nowadays, so they understand certain things better than any mother or father.

SECOND: MORALITY

“The world is passing away”(1 John 2:15-17) says the bible and should therefore not be our standard provider. Instead, we should look to God for direction. Can we sincerely claim that any form of sexual intimacy outside of marriage isn’t hurtful? The bible foretold that in our time people would behave like “animals, without self-control” and also become “lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God” (2 Tim. 3:1-5). How easily we could be led to believe that performing certain sexual acts even while with our marriage mate is harmless. If our mate is not well, would we not show consideration? Many married couples have been helped to overcome sex-related issues threatening to pull apart their marriage, which range from sex positions and postures to size of genitals and to management of sexual passion.

Our worried guy’s wife listened to her friends whose sexual practices were probably being tolerated by their mates, and then lifted the suggestion into her marriage without first discussing it with her husband. Even when she saw it was causing problems, she still went ahead with the practice. Now that’s wrong, no matter the excuse. This is like a husband forgiving his wife of adultery only for her to form a habit of it. People have been advised to stick to what works for them, but I dare to add that it should be morally upright things. If, for example, one’s mate catches one viewing pornography and feels bad, tell me why that offending mate shouldn’t stop it. But at the same time many couples have found “fun” by exploring porn, even though it is highly destructive.

There will continue to be debauchery, misguided sex enlightenment etc which is why married couples should stick to the bible for reliable guidance.

MY ADVICE:

The man should make adjustments in his daily routine to accommodate his wife’s emotional and sexual needs. It’s not too late yet. The woman should show more consideration to her husband considering the stressful nature of his job. The woman should also beware of her choice of association for the Bible warns: “BAD ASSOCIATION SPOILS USEFUL HABITS”. This young family should reduce to the barest minimum how they seek external help. I wonder whether they do things together as they were advised on their wedding day. They should freely forgive each other, pray together, communicate more frequently via sms, voice calls, whatsapp, facebook and other social media as their situations would allow them to do, but let them prioritise communication. The worried guy should start all over to woo his girl, spend time with her, get her to be uncomfortable in his absence until she finds herself in his arms again etc. They should abandon worldly sexual fantasies and instead seek their happiness and fulfillment.

It’s a pity they have to experience this but they can still get back on track and even enjoy their marriage.

I wish them well.

Thanks

Obiesie Okechukwu,