Experts blame societal ills on faulty parenting
By Emmanuel Edukugho, Ishola Balogun, Laju Arenyeka, Anozie Egole & Adeyeri Aderonke

Charity begins at home. When a student of Redeemers University stabbed his father to death recently, that statement ran through the minds of many. It could not have been an isolated incident as no child drops from the sky. If this is the case, then there is one thing commercial sex workers, armed robbers, fraudsters, corrupt politicians, terrorists etc, have in common—parents.

They were brought into this world through the joint efforts of a man and a woman. These efforts, expected or not, led to the birth of child, born into a family; the most basic unit of any society. If therefore the saying that charity begins at home holds any water, then the issues prevalent in society must be traced back to the home, it is on this note that Saturday Vanguard investigates.

Values, Values, Values

*File photo: Malnourished children

“A great moral confusion is sweeping across the country,” declared Muyiwa Bejide, an education consultant in Ibadan. Apart from the insecurity caused by incessant killings of innocent citizens especially in the North East of Nigeria by Boko Haram insurgents, “the next most important problem facing our nation has to do with family and moral decline,” he pointed out in a chat with Saturday Vanguard recently.

According to Bejide, “without doubt, there is a palpable yearning among young people, even children, for some kind of unifying vision, a set of ideals to effectively tackle greed, corruption, selfishness, ethnic sentiments, immorality, loss of traditional values which seem to be taking over the entire landscape.”

He explained that the greatest gifts parents can offer to their children apart from unconditional love is a set of values that the parents themselves live by and do not just talk about. “Values give meaning to life.

They establish templates. They set moral standards and define rules of behaviour.” He averred that society is moving toward sexual laxity and unbridled freedom, giving vent to individual self-expression. This, is no doubt as a result of many parents abdicating their roles, and giving room to the media, bad company, and other agents to influence their children.

A delegate to the just concluded confab, Ms Temitope Ajayi popularly known as Mama Diaspora said the best way parents can instill good values into their children is to show good example to the children.

“You can only show your kids the right way by living the right way. While encouraging them to be honest and truthful, you have to show truthfulness in all your ways. Your child takes his cues from you, so it’s important that you try to avoid any kind of deception, even a seemingly innocuous one,” she said. Whenever they are err, encourage them to stop the blame game and let them cultivate the habit of accepting responsibility.

Her words: “Parents should have regular discussions with their kids at home, send them to schools to acquire education so that they would be responsible, get good employment so as to be able to care for their parents at old age. Always pray with these kids at home. For the mother, she begins to form a bond with her child while it is still in the womb.

A good mother is never too busy. She makes time for the kids under tight working schedule. It is tough, but I still try.” Parents should be involved in the development of their children at various stages – infancy, adolescents to adulthood. They are required to monitor these children from nursery primary, secondary to the tertiary institutions, checking their performance.

But only a few parents believe that they have a role to play in seeing their children through. “No surprise that many young people have become victims of cultism, getting involved in prostitution, insurgency, armed robbery, kidnapping, internet fraud, exam malpractice, rape, thuggery, and various anti-social behaviours, bringing the nation to its knees,” Mrs. Yusuf advised.

Is single parenting to blame?

With a high mortality rate, increasing divorce rate, alarmingly increase rape figures, and more children being born out of wedlock in Nigeria, it is no wonder that single parenting is fast becoming common place. A downside to this is that one parent is now left to do the job of two, hence less attention is paid to children. Investigations carried out by Saturday Vanguard showed that a higher percentage of children found in most correctional centers around the state are products of single parenthood.

Madam Ngozi Okon (not real name), a trader in Lagos, believes that, for the proper upbringing of a child, all hands must be on deck. The mother of three said: “To me, both parents need to put hands together to train the children. My husband is a trader like myself; he comes home late in the night from Monday to Friday.

Though he hardly has time for the kids, they tend to be afraid of him and that helps in instilling discipline in them. Anytime I threaten to report their wrong actions to their father, they will stop it immediately. Though he hardly beats them, he has a way of giving the child the punishment that befits his offence. You know we mothers, we always love to pamper our kids. So you see, if my husband was absent what would be the situation of the kids?” she asked.

She however added that in some cases, training a child under the close supervision of the both parents is not a guarantee that the child will grow up to be a very responsible person. ‘Some kids can be stubborn no matter who trained them, she said, ‘I am not saying that, any child trained by both parents will be a perfect person, but the possibility is higher.

A 48-year old, Quantity Surveyor, Mr. Johnpaul Eji, also concurs in this respect. The middle-aged man believes that a child who wants to be good will definitely be no matter how he/she was trained and who trained her. “I have seen kids from a divorced home who are doing very well,’ he said, ‘they are obedient and very responsible.

Being trained by the two parents does not guarantee being a good child. So, I do not believe in the saying that, a child who is being trained by the father or the mother alone might not grow up well. All you need do is to teach the child the right thing at the right time and pray to God for the gift of wisdom and protection. That you are from a divorced home and you were left to be trained by your mother or father alone does not mean you will grow up to be irresponsible. It is all by God’s grace,” he explained.

Pastors, Imams speak out

The Bible and the Quran also have a lot to say about the impact a child’s upbringing can have on his/her life. Religious leaders who spoke to Saturday Vanguard reiterated these ideals. Pst.(Mrs)Taiwo Enioye, is an Assistant Area Pastor at the Redeemed Christian Church of God, RCCG, is also an educationist.

She told Saturday Vanguard: ‘In Christianity , children are the heritage of God but kept in the care of their parents to nurture them in the ways of the Lord to enable them fulfilling their God given dreams in life. Our society also believes that parents owe their children that responsibility of training, sound upbringing and caring for them.

Every parent must aspire to inculcate the act of respecting elders, good behaviour, how to show appreciation, I mean the use of thank you, hospitality, discipline, meekness, humility and many others into his or her children right from their tender age. It is not when a child is close to his puberty stage rather from the day of that child’s birth. If a child exhibits all these attributes, then the parents have carried out their responsibility in giving the child a proper and sound upbringing.

Also, parents should not just teach their children but give close monitoring to attitude of their wards especially to strangers and also make use of the cane when needed. Although there are cases where a child derails from the teachings of his parents may be as a result of influence of peer groups and other external factors, then the mother in particular should create more time for such a child.’

A frontline and popular scholar in Islam, Sheikh Mustapha Zuglool opined that parents have a lot to do in terms of what they teach their children and accordingly how their children grow up as adults. “It is the responsibility of the father to provide the wherewithal in terms of finances, security, good healthy environment, shelter, food and other basic things, while the mother takes care of the child and ensures that they grow in the right direction.”

Zuglool who is the founder of leading Arabic and Islamic center in Lagos said a working mother should do everything posible to monitor closely the welfare of her children even if she had to stay away for some time, adding that both parents have a lot to do in the proper upbringing of the children.

He said Islam, therefore, hold parents responsible for steering their children’s upbringing according to the guidelines of the Quran and the Prophet’s (s.a.w) traditions. The Prophet (s.a.w) said: “Allah (SWT) will ask every caretaker about the people under his care, and the man will be asked about the people of his household.”

Another cleric, Ustaz Abdulwaheed Olowo also added that parents should show love and attention to their children. He said: “Tell me if you are not there to show love and affection to your children, another person will do it for you and the result could be catastrophic. All children within a family have their own rights to be treated fairly, parents also have the obligation to show love and mercy to their children. Parents should also help and guide their children choosing their role models. If they chose the right model, it will help them in developing good behavior and character after those personalities.”

In this ailing economy, even families with loving parents who hope to instill the right values into their children are sometimes at a disadvantage. To give their children the kind of comfort they deserve, the situation in many homes is now for both mother and father to work long hours and make more money.

A confidential secretary in an insurance company based in Lekki, Mrs. Dideolu Yusuf puts it this way: “Many working mothers are married to their careers at the expense of their homes, leaving the children to the care of housemaids. They don’t even bother about the right values that the children should have to prepare them for the future.

There are many things mother could do for her kids. But if they don’t spend significant time with these children, they might conclude that you care more for others things, like your job, profession or business interest. However, there are some mothers who teach their children many life skills like cooking, washing clothes, plates, sweeping and cleaning the home, gardening, fetching water, which are education for life.”

Enioye, on this point, notes: ‘God and Christianity supports a woman working but not at the detriment of her home and her relationship with God. A christian woman must support her husband, family and the church of God financially and she can only do these when she is working. Money has a role in being a good wife, mother, a good Christian and a responsible citizen to your country.’

Charity begins at home. If the Nigerian society is devoid of it, then the fingers must point to the home.