By Julie Coker

Dear Julie,

I have been dating a guy for over two years. Everything is fine except that my boyfriend is very possessive, suspicious and jealous. I have never cheated on him and have no cause to do so. I love him and hold him in high regards but his jealousy and suspicion is killing me. He doesn’t want me to have friends or mix up with other people.

Even my girl friends are a problem to him because he thinks they are too footloose and carefree and would lead me astray. Yet, these are the people who have been encouraging me in the relationship up the this level because of my phobia for falling in love.This type of behaviour is killing me. I have openly discussed it with him but he says it’s because he loves me too much. This puts me off. Please help me.

Titi, Lagos

Dear Titi,
Thank you for your letter and please take it easy. Every relationship has its issues and yours is not an exception. However, I am not surprised your boyfriend’s possessiveness and jealousy is putting you off and making you feel stifled. I think you already know this behaviour has nothing to do with how much he loves you, but has to do with his fear of being hurt, abandoned, perhaps being cheated on. I believe you that you have not done anything to make him feel more insecure than he already is, which means how he feels has nothing to do with you. The bad news is that you cannot do anything to make him stop being possessive, suspicious and jealous.

The good news is that you don’t have to take it personally. The better news is that you don’t need to try to make him feel better, because you can’t – he will likely have these feelings for a long time, in any relationship he is in. So go about your life, doing what you need to do and stop accommodating his feelings. This is your only hope of helping him ever get over them.

But find time to communicate your feelings to him and the fact that you do love him indeed and that your friends are not a threat to the relationship.