By Francis Ewherido

You cannot be a complete person until you learn to empathise, that is, put yourself in the position or situation of others. I have always loved and respected my parents-in-law since I met them; they are nice people and we are now one family. Moreover they allowed me marry their daughter without any hassles even though I was a complete stranger when I met them.

They had reasons to be stubborn because their daughter was young, in school and had time on her side. They could have insisted that she completed her education first, but no single obstacle was placed in my way.

But honestly I did not see anything extraordinary then in giving out a daughter. The tide is however changing. As I watch my eldest daughter developing into a full grown woman, reality is coming down heavily on me that in no time, I will have to travel the road my parents-in-law and so many other parents-in-law travelled since the creation of mankind.

It is a mixed feeling. You look forward to your daughter being happily married and starting a family of her own. At the same time you feel a little sense of loss. It is tough parting with a loved one, albeit temporarily, because she is still very much around. But the surname has changed. Anybody who never knew daughter and father before will not know about the relationship seeing different surnames except he/she is told.

I remember the first time I became a father. I was with my wife in the labour room all through. I remember my daughter coming out and the first things I noticed when she roared, as a result of change of environment, were her lips which were her mother’s. I remember being reluctant to go work so that I could be with my daughter. I remember taking her with me on outings when she was a few months old.

I remember changing diapers, sometimes nappies, with enthusiasm. The whole experience was wonderful. But like all beings, she will move on some day and start a new family. I guess for every parent a time comes when he/she must let go of the children to chart their own future. What that time should be is still a matter of opinion and that is partly the root of so many marital and family conflicts as a result of perceived or real interference by parents (in law).

I now empathise with my parents-in-law. My respect and love for them have grown. I pay homage to all the great parents-in-law who have made enormous contributions to the institution of marriage by turning out great children. I think for all the troubles parents-in-law have gone through to give us good spouses, we need to treat the children (daughters and sons alike) they have given us right. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and family, but an abusive relationship is tough to swallow, especially when somebody you love dearly is involved.

I cannot bear to see my daughters with a black eye or bruises from a wife beater. It will wrench my heart. And so I pray for them every day even though they are still years away from marriage. I also talk to my sons even though they are still very young. I tell them we have a tradition. Their paternal and maternal grandfathers were not wife beaters. I have never raised my hand against their mother. So they must also continue in the family tradition by not being wife beaters. They should start learning by refraining from beating their baby sister, the level of provocation notwithstanding.

Formal education stops at some points in our lives, but informal education never ends; we learn every day. During a failed attempt to get married, a friend was with the fiancée trying to iron out their differences and she told him something that forever changed his (and mine when he narrated the encounter to me) understanding of an abusive relationship and for which he is forever grateful to her: “you claim that you have not beaten a woman in your life, but with the words that come out of your mouth, any woman will prefer beating.”

Except for one or two occasions when they had some very stormy sessions he could not even remember saying anything that could hurt her. He cared so much for her and could not have gone out of his way to hurt her.

But the message was clear, she said he was abusing her emotionally and even though he could not remember, he did not argue because his tongue was very acidic then (remember what St. James said about the power of the tongue). It was a massive reality check for him; all that gargantuan “achievement” of not being a woman beater came tumbling down like a multi-storey building, put together by quacks with inferior materials.

My friend’s story has made me to be restrained when dealing with my wife, especially when I am upset. Silence is now my immediate reaction, since I know my tongue can also run riot. I have also started warning people around me about emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a weapon of war in many marriages.

It comes in various forms—verbal, silence, sex, absence, etc., but it is just as vicious, if not more vicious than, physical abuse; the only difference is that the scars are not visible, but they can manifest and also linger like physical scars. Emotional abuse can easily lead to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, mood swings, emotional imbalance, among other outcomes. If not checked, emotional abuse can lead to suicidal tendencies and mental derangement. So deal with it before it festers.

There is no specific day in this part of the world like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day set aside to celebrate parents-in-law, but I just thought as we begin the year, I should thank these special people on this day for their good works.