By Francis Ewherido

I will not keep you in suspense. In Africa, we give our new-born babies names to tell a particular story of the time, the past, situations or purely as a metaphor. One of such names in Urhoboland, though rare, is: Uwevwirohwofabeno (it is difficult to understand the inner workings of another person’s house). Jaw-breaking? The short form, Beno, is our title today.

For a long time, this couple was a role model, envied by all. They were the ultimate couple, the benchmark against which everybody measured the success of their marriages and families. But beneath the façade was a very abusive husband who engaged in systematic battery. When the wife got tired of the hypocrisy and charade, she spilled the beans.

The eldest son of a family travelled abroad long ago and has not visited since he left Nigeria. Even when one of the parents died he did not come to pay his last respect. Non-family members thought he refused to visit because he could not fit into our daily life any longer (poor infrastructure and insecurity, etc.).

Now the real reasons for his long absence has come to fore. He is gay and will visit only on the condition that he comes with his partner (now “husband” or “wife”, because they are officially “married”), but the surviving parent would hear none of it; stalemate.

Many, if not all, families seem to carry one baggage or the other. For some it is delinquent children or drug addicts. Incest is going on in some families; house helps, impregnated by their ogas; love children unknown to spouses, sometimes until after the spouses’ demise.

There are also terminal ailments and debilitating health conditions. The list goes on. These are crosses life has thrust on us (Job, The Book of Job) or crosses we thrust on ourselves due to our actions or inactions( Samson, Judges 15:16). We should bear them with equanimity while we seek personal and divine solutions. Chanting “it is not my portion in Jesus name” does not necessarily immune you from life’s problems and challenges. Living involves facing challenges.

Sometimes what we consider crosses are non-issues to others. Consider the man who told his wife that if she gets pregnant, the marriage is over. For him family means just husband and wife.

The same childlessness that is destroying other marriages and bringing unimaginable agonies to families is what he has freely embraced. Bill Clinton has only one daughter, Barrack Obama has two. Back home, an old friend who has an empire worth N1b, is contented with his three daughters. Yet somebody with a comparatively small business empire of N200 million is lamenting. He is crying, not over the death of his only son, but the fact that his two daughters are now the surviving children to inherit his wealth which they will “take to other families when they get married.”

One of my favourite channels on television is Animal Channel and I have a bias for big cats. Cheetahs are the fastest of all big cats. They are mainly solitary, except when bachelors team up to enhance their chances. Incidentally the Cheetah is the least powerful of the big cats, so its kills often get stolen by bigger and stronger cats. The leopard is also solitary, but stronger than the cheetah.

It is an efficient predator, but the risk of pride of lions and pack of hyenas is never far away. But it has a secret weapon; it is the only big cat that climbs efficiently, so it is able to stow away its kill high up the tree from the reach of hyenas and lions. The lion is the king of the jungle, but the least efficient hunters of all the big cats. When hunting its big size becomes a stumbling block. In fact, lions scarcely hunt; the lionesses do the hunting.

All lions have poor stamina and can only sustain their speed for about 90 metres unlike hyenas and wild dogs. What the lion has going for it is they live in a group (pride) which helps in hunting and raising their young. The tiger is the biggest and strongest cat, but its size impedes its mobility. It is also solitary. Like lions, tigers are not efficient predators like other big cats.

Outside the Bible, wild  life, more than many other things, has convinced me about the existence of God. It is apparent that God never intended any big cat to have it all. That is how it is with us, humans. That is how it is in all aspects of life. If you have it all, you will be perfect and be like God and that is impossible. So, man should be contented with his positives and learn to adapt and live with the negatives, much of which is product of his perceptions, anyway?

Why envy or desire to trade places with people and families whose baggage you do not even know. I can understand if you want to model certain aspects of your life or family after someone or family you consider a role model. I can also understand if you want to look at how others are doing things with a view to improving yourself, but you cannot go through life looking over your shoulders always as if you are in a race with others. Those who are busy envying other people and families should spend that precious time and energy working to improve themselves and their families.

We live in the age of make-believe, extreme make-up, packaging, positioning, branding and perception management. So many cracked walls are papered over so that the more you look, the less you see. The grass always seems greener on the other side; only remember that uwevwirohwofabeno; siegware, miyeri (it is difficult to understand what goes on in the homes of other people. I greet you all).