By Francis Ewherido
The first time I heard the phrase “global village” was in the mid 80s. It was a vague concept then because all we had to prove it in this part of the world were air travels and restricted access to telephone which enabled a few people to reach the outside world faster. Beyond that, it was difficult to make sense of it.

Not anymore; today the world as a global village is real and everywhere around us: unrestricted access to mobile phones, Internet, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Skype and it looks like we are just beginning. This has also come with its challenges, one being unrestrained invasion of foreign cultures.

One of them currently gaining ground is cohabitation (a man and woman living together without being married) and I am not surprised. In the early 80s, one of our professors at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, Okwudili Nnoli, had identified “me-tooism” (coined from me too) as a national problem. Herd mentality, as it is also called, is not necessarily bad, but when it is wholesale, without discerning what is good for us and what can cause constipation, there is a problem.

Stripped of Christian and other western influences, marriage and the family have always been the bedrock of African societies( so nobody should accuse me of colonial mentality) and it cannot easily be undone without causing dysfunction as it is already doing in the western world.Traditional African societies were organized along family lines (lineages) and marriage rites were performed before girls left their parents’ homes.

So strictly speaking, cohabitation is alien (or at best rare) to Africa. My targets today are, however, not all people cohabiting, but those who cohabit with the intention of getting married later (putting the cart before the horse). The reason they give is that they want to find out if they are compatible before getting married. Some also say they are scared of making mistakes. But how do you succeed if you are scared of making mistakes? How many success stories are there in the world that do not partly have failure at their foundations?

Moreover, some people know how to pretend and they will never show you their real colour until you exchange marital vows. If you like to cohabit with them for 20 years before marriage; they will hide their true selves. I concede that you get to know a lot more about a person when you live together, but you also get to know mainly those things the person wants you to know. A grandmother in her 40s only recently found out she had older half brothers. Her mother had previously been married before eloping and marrying her father, a fact unknown to her or her father.

The problem many people have with marriage is that they are approaching a divine matter with purely human wisdom. God created marriage and you should involve Him when trying to come into that institution. He only gives sensible spouses (Proverbs 19:14) and He has one waiting for you.

Every relationship involves sacrifice and commitment. Christian marriage goes on to include a covenant that binds spouses until death do them part. Many people who cohabit are those uninterested in marital sacrifice and commitment. Why will anybody looking forward to marriage waste his/her time with such individuals? Your life is precious; do not allow emotional summersault, financial pressure, accommodation problem or any other circumstance turn you to a sex slave. Deep down you know you have chosen bronze when gold is available; you have sold yourself far cheaper than your worth. That is why you still feel that massive void in your life.

For the women, if you spend a chunk of your youthful years cohabiting and it does not work out, where do you go from there? That is when desperation sets in and you begin to jump from the frying pan to fire. If any man wants to live with you, let him first of all go to your family and perform the necessary marriage rites.That is class. Give your father that honour and your mother, the joy. I know it is your life, but you belittle and disrespect your parents and family with cohabitation.

I am often amazed when I read letters from people cohabiting to columnists and editors asking for advice on issues they already know deep down in their hearts. You have lived with somebody for 15 years (some have children) and each time you bring up the issue of marriage he/she starts a quarrel or changes the topic; do you need anybody to tell you that you are in the wrong place before you know it? Is it not time you cut your losses and moved on? Do you not know you are on the road that will not lead to your marriage destination?

From the start, you should have taken the late Steven Covey’s advice that before you begin scrambling up the ladder make sure it is leaning against the right wall. Friend, it is not too late; first find the inner strength to break free from this mental slavery, then get out of the emotional and sexual exploitation you call cohabitation. Then ensure that the ladder is leaning on the right building before you start climbing next time.

Finally, now that your human wisdom has failed you, why not try God’s. Get reconciled with Him and implore Him to send his Holy Spirit to comfort and guide you. Surrender all to Him, He will never lead you astray. Things might not happen according to your wishes, but ultimately, God’s good, pleasing and perfect will is the best. Many thanks to, Sir Gabriel Adoghe, our daddy and a fine gentleman, for prompting today’s topic.