Tony Ubani’s  F – L – I – C – K – S : My bitter experience

Kolanut, no doubt has a place in history and the elders especially from the Eastern part of Nigeria respect it accordingly.

Even in this computer age some have learnt one or two things about kolanut from Nollywood films.  Bitterkola on the other hand does not command such respect. It is bitter.

That bitter taste sends signals to many to stay away from it. Women and children do not understand why men chew bitter kola. In some places, those who eat bitter kola are taken to be bitter people – who are not happy with their lives or conditions.

Many others stay away from it because once eaten, it practically renders the tongue ineffective from sweet things. However, only the wise elders know the importance of bitter kola.

Many who eat bitter kola  do not know that it is potent against poison. Witches and wizards flee from one who eats bitter kola. No snake can bite one who eats bitter kola.

No good native doctor can do without bitter kola. Recently, I’ve heard that bitter kola is as good as Viagra. The way young men consume bitter kola these days makes me to believe that it is yet another power horse.

In the newsroom of Vanguard, many journalists use it to fight off sleep. I know that our Deputy Editor, News Editor, and many others do not stay a day without bitter kola.

It is from these functions listed that above especially preventing me from sleeping that made me buy bitter kola on my way to South Africa. Never knew that bitter kola is prohibited at the airport.

One immigration officer at the Murtala Mohammed Airport only grinned when he saw my bitter kola. I frowned back to prevent him from begging me to give him some. There is hardly anything they don’t beg.

But the rude shock awaits me at the Oliver Thambo international airport in Johannesburg. A beautiful girl with two giant dogs competing for her attention starred at me as I rolled my bag with pride aware that I  was a clean man(in and out). With a disarming smile, she asked if I had anything to declare to them.

“Absolutely nothing, I said, returning her smile”. The dogs wagged their tail and one barked and made straight to my bag.  The lady came closer and asked if truly I do not have anything for them.

Now, afraid of the dogs, I stammered that all I had were personally effects. She decided to take a look/ Lo and behold my bunch of bitter kola. She smiled radiating more beauty and shouted “bitter kola”. Do you want some?”. I asked.

No, my friend. It is prohibited. You have lost them. You can’t go with them into town”, this time her beauty gave way to sternness. This is bitter kola. It is harmless. It is good for medical reasons. We eat it with relish in Nigeria”, I said almost going to tell her that my bosses in the office eat it with relish.

Apparently aware of my state, she placed a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. That hand was timely and I cherished the magic it performed, but still rapped on getting my bitter kola back. “I can help you”, she said as the two dogs barked at a giant man with an equally giant luggage distracting her.

I like you but since you don’t like yourself, I am seizing the bitter kola or you may wait for longer to convince me why you should come with something prohibited to my country”. The friendliness disappeared and her beauty immediately gave way to ugliness.

I looked back and discovered that all the other Nigerians had moved on leaving me arguing for yeye bitter kola. I shot a glance at her and told her that I was heading to Nelspruit where the Eagles were waiting to peck their opponents to pieces in the African cup of nations.

When I staggered off remembering the labour of my Mallam in going to buy the bunch of bitter kola from Agege, I became bitter. I rolled my luggage filled with nonsense without my precious bitter power.

The heavy barking from the dogs made to look back to see if they were after me. She signaled me to stop. This time, my heart was almost jumping out from my big chaste.

“You may have your bitter kola. But know that they are prohibited. And lastly, it is too much for you. It is an energizer”, she said handing me over the bunch. I starred at her with admiration and respect. The dog barked repeatedly as she handed it over to me and she said that they dogs were protesting her gesture.