By Debbie Olujobi
There is a school of thought that says a human being is a sum total of all his life’s experiences. We are shaped by the things we go through and whether we express our feelings or not we are changed by the emotions that are there. The world we live in does not afford anyone the liberty of being transparent.

We have to protect ourselves by keeping  our emotions under guard; even the Bible says we should guard our hearts; so we guard it and keep the emotions under wraps. The human mind plays many tricks and I was at the mercy of it lately.

It’s pretty humbling to find that there are some fires smouldering beneath the surface of a calm exterior and standing in the light of a truth hitherto unknown is enlightening as well as healing. Change happens in behavioural patterns  that often suggest something is wrong and everyday reactions can be tinged with extreme emotions making the stable unstable and the normally calm easily enraged.

The question we all need to ask first is this.

“How well do we really know ourselves?”

It seems such an obvious question and we can all assume we know ourselves pretty well so maybe I should rephrase the question.

“Do you know why you react in the way you do all of the time?”. Its a safe bet that we can safely say we know the triggers for most of our reactions but there are some reactions that are so extreme we are caught off guard. Those reactions inform the topic of the day and I call them pockets of rage. They are like micro bubbles that just suddenly explode and do collateral damage; catching everyone unawares.

Over the course of my life I have observed, angry episodes, a fluctuation in my weight and a frenzy to my eating habits when my my mind is disturbed. Once my peace is disturbed I just start to eat. It’s almost as if my brain forgets that food is not a hobby but mere sustenance for the body.

The weird thing is that I am never hungry in those times but I am always eating. I chew gum: a habit I dislike and only quit when my aching jaws give me a headache. Lately I have noticed a change in my eating habits that suggested all was not as it should be.

On the surface everything seems to be perfect and I can truthfully say the lines have fallen to me in pleasant places. There are some hurts however that I have pushed down to the deep dark recesses of my mind and they have resurrected the eating monster.

I genuinely like food so I wont lie and say eating fried plantain or pancakes is painful. In fact if i was not growing out of my clothes I’d gladly continue.

Not all relationships end well and there is bound to be some hurt feelings when they do. My life long habit has been to cut off relationships or persons and even groups that bring me pain. It’s not always possible to make amends or repair damaged relationships but I am discovering that finding closure is key to maintaining or even restoring inner peace.

Resentment is a by product of heartbreak and it is a venom that no one needs to have inside them. The surprising part for most people is that they may not even be aware of the extreme resentments they are nursing. Psychiatrists say hurt and resentment is the root of all addictions and extreme behaviour.

Rape victims often turn promiscuous, abused children tend to become abusers when they grow up and most wife beaters are mostly reacting from suppressed resentment and rage.

I read a book once that touched on the subject of weight and obesity. I found a question in it most insightful. It was simple and it talked about the nature of the hunger we are trying to feed.

“Are you hungry from your belly or from your heart? is it food you crave or the love and approval that is not forthcoming from those you love?

Lately I have been talking about validation: the approval and acceptance by those who matter to us and its been like a doctor take a bit of your own medicine moment for me. I had finally opened up to my better half and admitted my hurt and disappointment in a friend and while my feelings of abandonment and disenfranchisement remain, I finally admitted there was a huge elephant in the room.

I think dealing with issues can be the major turn around in stress management and I have faced down a few demons lately. My pride prevented me from acknowledging that I missed my friend and a few others when i found myself suddenly outside the fence of what I thought was a loving family.

I Cant say a reconciliation is in the works  with my erstwhile friends but I will concede that closure will come when I have an opportunity to hear them and have them hear me.. The pockets of rage beneath the surface have exploded once or twice and its not nice; rage is not nice. I’m still enjoying my food but lately I eat to feed the hunger in my belly not the one in my heart.