By Debbie Olujobi

Every battle leaves scars; some physical, others emotional. When anyone survives a battle; they come out different than they were before; they are forced to develop coping mechanisms to protect and better defend themselves for what next may come. The truth we all have to face is that life is one battle after the next; we survive one and pretty much get ready for the next one.

It’s also very true that the strongest survives and here in lies the secret of the ages; strength is not brawn; it’s not integrity; it’s not goodness. The secret is the ability to adapt and be flexible to the ever changing reality that is life. I personally hold the view that adaptability and flexibility are traits that are possible only with the help of information and these days I am acquiring information that is changing my world view slowly but surely.

Loyalty is the greatest virtue in friendship and its existence takes time to prove. It’s possible to enjoy a good friendship and love a person but find that even after years they may not be invested in any way and are disloyal when it counts. Friendship and loyalty are not tested when it’s convenient; true friendship can only be tested when the chips are down! It is only when push comes to shove that you know who your friends really are; lately I have seen a few pushes and shoves and I am seeing people in a different light.

I won’t go as far as saying everyone I interact with is a friend but there are spheres of our life that calls service and loyalty into contention and I believe that should entitle me to some degree of loyalty and a little dose of integrity. Choosing to serve under any individual takes commitment; it demands time; energy and resources and while I don’t expect to get a lollypop as a reward; it’s my thinking that I should get their support when I need it; at least it was!!

As in all situations I always take a mental walk back to see where I am culpable as I believe accountability is the first phase when in reconciliation of facts. Getting slapped is only possible where one’s face is readily available and I must admit that most times I have got my face mentally slapped; I have enabled the situation by making myself vulnerable and available. Lately I revisited one such relationship and situation and found that there really wasn’t a commitment on anyone’s part.

I would assume friendship would involve more than weekly meetings in places of worship and undertaking to do a few tasks very grudgingly on my part; so I have revised my information to add that friendship cannot be assumed or presumed. It’s a lot of work that I didn’t put in; so I shouldn’t have expected any loyalty. Now meanness of spirit and pettiness on the other hand I believe is not the due of anyone who gives of themselves and herein lies my point.

Do we have the right to assume people we care for and invest in should feel the same for us? It seems not. I am accepting the reality that some of us may be attractive to others because of some innate abilities but we are valued no more than a tissue!! Useful when they have a cold but disposable when inconvenient. It’s a reality that is humbling but it’s a truth that is plain to see.

At this junction in my journey where all the ends are meeting; I am a bit discomfited to find my cheer leading squad depleted but I am also thankful for the love of the true real friends and family. In the past I would have been devastated to find I didn’t weigh heavily to people I held in high esteem and deep affection but getting older means my jaw is not left on the floor when I get the information on the true contents of people’s character.

If anything I feel liberated when I know where I stand and where I truly belong in people’s affections. It modulates my responses and discharges my responsibility to give of myself and anything else.

The reality could be that in life we walk alone or that we sync our steps to only those ordained to walk with us in our odyssey. It’s foolhardy to expect to get what we give or even receive validation for affection we give freely. It boils down to taking pleasure in the journey at every junction and not having regrets.

I don’t regret anyone I ever loved or liked who didn’t love me or like me; love itself is its own reward. I don’t regret the generosity that is my nature and I also don’t regret any situation where people feel they have taken advantage; may seem cliché but giving is also its own reward.

One of the dividends of maturity is being at peace with my conscious choices; I am not a victim but I will chart my own course with the information at my disposal and to my mind that is power. Its power to put people in the compartments their conduct deserves and liberty to travel towards my light, my joy and my peace. There may be scars from all the battles but they are proof that I am well and very able to take the land!