Dear Bunmi,

On Saint Valentine’s day, I noticed my husband checking his mobile phone from time to time. I had a look at it and found a text message from a woman he works with. There wasn’t anything obscene in it, but I thought it odd she was sending him texts on lovers’ day.

I challenged him about it and he said they’d become really close friends but that nothing was going on. It turns out they have lunch together at least three times a week at a buka close to their office and often attend staff parties together.

He swears nothing has happened and that she’s just a platonic friend. I accepted what he said because I believe men and women can be friends but I’ve noticed he’s becoming increasingly distant. I have this feeling he discusses our marriage with her and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Am I being silly and blaming the rift in our marriage on this when he could just be going off me? Do you think I should ask him to stop being friends with this woman if he’s not doing anything wrong?
Rolake,
By E-mail

Dear Rolake,
What you’re currently experiencing is what is called emotional infidelity: It is not an actual affair because nothing physical has happened. But there’s a level of intimacy here that can be dangerous for the primary relationship, in this case your marriage.  lt’s a fact that we’re closest to the people who know the most about us. Your husband is investing a lot of time and energy into this ‘platonic’ relationship and it’s disturbing that he’s discussing his feelings for you with her. Now ask yourself: If he should see you doing whatever it is he’s doing, would he be upset?

I think you’ve been remarkably tolerant sensing even your husband would grudgingly admit you wouldn’t like a lot of the conversations they have, and the intimacy.

Nothing physical has  happened yet, but the likelihood is there, especially now he’s suddenly become distant as a result of this friendship. You need to sit with your husband and tell him how concerned you are about your marriage and how he feels about you. Don’t bring the friend in yet, just talk about how he’s becoming distant and ask if he’s getting what he needs from your marriage.

Then ask him why he hasn’t asked you to meet this woman if there’s nothing going on. Ask if he could invite her to the house for a drink. lf it’s all above board, he won’t hesitate to take you up on the offer. If it isn’t, he’ll react like a slippery eel and come up with all sorts  of reasons why it’s not a good idea. Trust your instincts. Hopefully a direct conversation will give you some answers but be rest assured you aren’t being silly or imagining things. Emotional infidelity is a very real threat.

Mum is having an affair with my in-law

Dear Bunmi,
I am in my thirties, married with two adorable children. I come from what you will term a ‘silver spoon’ family and have parents who were, and still are generous to their children.

The problem is our mother. We’ve associated her with a string of boyfriends over the years; the fact that she is now a grandmother hasn’t cramped her style at all.

She has recently been associated with my husband’s uncle and this is causing friction between me and my husband.

His uncle’s wife is spoiling for a showdown and is trying to tar me with the same brush as my mother’s. When I eventually tackled mum about this latest affair of hers, she told me it was none of my business what she did and that I should concentrate more on my marriage.

There is no point involving dad as he’s just recovered from a mild stroke. What is more, he’s always turned a blind eye to mum’s philandering. How do I get her off my husband’s uncle?
Janet
By E-mail

Dear Janet,

You are not exactly talking about teenagers, you know. It takes two to tango and your parents obviously have an open marriage. You have tried your best to call your mum to order, but has your husband had a word with his uncle? This affair will burn itself out just like other affairs your mum had in the past, but it is about time you children had a word with her. Discretion, they say, is the better part of valour and age is not exactly on her side.