By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’m going through my second divorce from a man I married the native law and custom way. I have two daughters by my first husband and one by my second. I went straight from my second husband into another relationship. My current boyfriend is divorced and has three children.

He’s besotted with me but I feel nothing for him. I want to be on my own, not stuck in a relationship. I’m never honest with myself or the man I’m with. I’ve never had an orgasm with a man – I’ve always faked it. Also, although I’m a loving mum to my girls, I know I’m not setting them a good example by having these relationships.

I lost my mother at the age of 16 and my dad Iives in another state. I have no sisters or brothers, just friends. I feel such a bitch. I lead men on and once we’ve slept together, I don’t want to know. Please help me pull myself together and break this habit. It’s not fair on the kids or the men. I feel like a horrible person.
By E-mail

Dear Mirabelle,
Both parents were more or less absent from your growing up. You had no siblings with whom you might share affection. Your mother’s death when you were 16 left you more or less an orphan. Are you then surprised that the hurt girl who emerged from a loveless childhood felt unable to accept that she was worthy of love?

Your self-esteem remains low and throughout your adult years you have presented only a facade to others in the hope of winning their love. Only your love for your children is honest. The good thing is your desire to change for the better, and you alone can work the magic. You need to abandon deceit and stop faking the joy of sex.

You need to face your demons by being more open to your current boyfriend. Let him help you discover the joy of sex by admitting how confused you feel. You will not be able to transform yourself overnight into a vamp, but you’ll be opening the door to self-respect and happiness. In no time, others will see the new positive you and react to you.

Are all men sex addicts ?

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been married for 12 years and I’m of the opinion that my husband is addicted to looking at pornographic materials on the net. He told me that he first did this after I had an operation and we couldn’t have sex for a while. I’ve told him I don’t like him still looking at it. He says it arouses him and that I benefit. This makes me feel as if I don’t turn him on anymore. Are all men the same? Do they all like a porn? My husband is the second man I’ve slept with, so I don’t know what other men like or do.

Dear Dora,
Most men first encounter pornography while they’re in their teens. As you can imagine, impressionable boys find the stuff wildy exciting. The internet has reintroduced pornography into the lives of many men. It has also provided easy and private access to porn among adolescent girls and women who might never before have seen such material. Men are more easily attracted to impersonal sexual experiences than women. Yet women who overcome their intial reservations are also discovering that porn can excite them. Where men and women once fantasized, they can now turn to the internet for stimulation.

Your husband obviously finds that porn enhances his desire to have sex with you. This does not mean that he finds you less attractive. He is not an addict who allows porn to become a substitute for sex but since you feel lonely and excluded, have a word with him. If you have sexual fantasies of your own, share them with him. This will deepen the sense of companionship between you. Be rest assured that internet cannot compete with human love.

I’m a bad sleeper

Dear Bunmi,
I am a happily married man in my mid-forties. I used to share a bedroom with my wife until her snoring forced me to move to the spare room. That was years ago. Lately, however, I have been sleeping badly – say four to five hours a day.

I resort to sedatives once in a while but are there things I should do to make falling asleep easier?
By E-mail

Dear Kabiru,
People vary in their requirements when it comes to sleep, but a good working minimum is said to be eight hours for adults; children need longer, and the elderly need say five or six. Sleeplessness, otherwise known as insomnia, is common.

To help you sleep better, make sure that your bed is comfortable. Invest in a good one if it isn’t. Your bedroom should be as quiet as possible and well ventilated.

Also try to relax when you go to bed, it is no use taking worries of the day to bed and expecting to sleep. Put your worries aside and make yourself comfortable. Heavy meals and stimulating drinks such as tea or coffee should be avoided at night. Insomnia due to worry can often be cured by getting up, having some light snack or milky drink, then going back to bed. A long walk late in the evening is also said to be a good way of winding down.

He wants sex all the time

Dear Bunmi,
My current partner eats and breathes sex. I love him to bits and enjoy love-making as much as he does.
But shouldn’t one be cautious about sex all of the time?
He argues that sex is the most natural thing in the world and that it does you a lot more good than harm. Just how good is sex supposed to be, especially for a girl?
Feeling Hot,

Dear Feeling Hot,
I have good news for you; sex is actually very healthy according to the latest Health News. Because sex is relaxing and stimulates the production of endorphins (the body’s own feel-good hormones), it boosts your mood too!

It helps you lose weight as lovemaking burns around 200 calories, the equivalent of swimming about eight lengths of a pool. I mean, which would you rather do? Sex is also known to tone the muscles.

Squeezing your pelvic floor muscles during sex helps to strengthen them, increasing support for the bladder, uterus and bowel.

Sex also gives your heart and lungs a workout as it boosts the heart rate to up to 130 beats a minute and makes your breath harder. It is an excellent aerobic exercise!

Finally, sex helps you sleep because a love-making session is a far healthier cure for insomnia than resorting to sleeping pills.

When’s the right time to call it quits?

Dear Bunmi,
I’m currently in a relationship and fancy my boyfriend to bits. I met him toward the end of last year and he says he loves me too. My relationship before then was a big dent in my self-esteem. Despite my ex’s professed love for me, he didn’t hesitate to drop me when he found a new lover. Was I blind or was he the rat? I didn’t see the break-up coming and I would love to know the things to look out for when a relationship is not working.
By E-mail

Dear Obi
Nobody’s happy all the time. All relationships go through bad patches and down stages. But if you’ve entered the so-so zone – thinking your relationship’s not bad enough to leave but are not enthusiastic about the future – then it might be an indication that you’re not as compatible as you thought.

Relationship experts agree that it may be time to go when: you only share one or two things in common – a hobby, sex or the dog. You are doing all the work to solve the relationship’s problems. Your partner is unwilling to change or compromise. They don’t think you have any problems eventhough you’ve confessed you’re not happy. He or she treats you badly. You love them but don’t like them much.

It sounds bizarre, but love isn’t a reason to stay together. You can love your partner on one level but still not be suited long term. If you’ve been with a person a long time, of course you still care desperately about them and have lots of shared history and good times. But if your head tells you you’re not only both moving in entirely different directions but very happy about where you’re headed, it’s time to kiss each other tenderly and change the relationship to friendship.

She craves violent sex

Dear Bunmi,
We have been married for four years now but I have come to the conclusion that I have made a terrible mistake marrying my wife. Despite her good family background and good education, she has a problem keeping her volatile temper in check.

At the drop of a hat, she blows up and levels all sorts of accusations against me. Apart from her verbal abuse, she’s recently resorted to being physical, but I soon tried to curb that.

The first time she raised her hands to me, I really beat some common sense into her. She’s tried it a couple of times since then and I’ve given her the beating she deserves.

I am not a violent person but some women really bring out the violence in you. Surprisingly, I’ve also discovered that my wife is more sexually responsive after I have roughened her up.

This has excited me a bit and encouraged me to beat her more, though not to the extent that I would harm her.

Do you think she is one of these type of women who like violent sex? Patrick,
By E-mail

Dear Patrick,
It is obvious that your wife thrives on violence and needs it as a stimulant for sex. But you should not encourage her because the more violence you exhibit, the more hardened she becomes.

If you have children, they will soon grow up to adolescence and what example would you set for them with this constant display of violence?

Tell your wife you are not playing her game anymore and look for a civilized way of settling your differences.

Violence, when not checked, could rub off on the children. There are definitely other methods of sexual arousal than violence. Give that a try!


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