By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
Three years ago, I was due to get married. I met my ex at the university and when I took him home, my parents weren’t impressed with him. They didn’t like the fact that he came from a poor background but I didn’t care. I agreed to marry him when he raised the topic.  A few weeks to the wedding, we had a heated argument.

It was my fault as my family’s disapproval and lack of enthusiasm about the wedding stressed me out. I stormed out of his flat but came back that evening only to find him in bed with another woman. He’d gone out after our row, got drunk and picked her up. I was shocked. He blamed me for what he did and told me he didn’t feel like getting married. I was gutted but after three years, I’d more or less moved on. Now he shows up, wanting us to try again. I could learn to love him if it’s worth it.
Sherifat
By E-mail

Dear Sherifat,
I’m surprised you want to try again with this man. Weddings are stressful at the best of times but if you’re going against your parents’ wishes, then it is no surprise you have these doubts about trying again. It’s not uncommon for couples to bicker as their big day approaches. Marriage is a huge commitment. I’m sure he didn’t enjoy the argument that ended your relationship, but he should have been mature enough to wait until you’d both cooled down to talk through what had happened.

Going out, getting drunk and sleeping with another woman almost immediately is not the way to manage dispute.

Having done the did, he then had the audacity to blame you. As unpleasant as the argument was, you didn’t force him to find another woman and you weren’t to blame for what he did; not to talk of humiliating you and walking out on a well-planned wedding. Right now he must feel there is an unfinished business but think carefully beforeyou run back into his arms. Don’t sell yourself short. Talk to him if you must to understand why he behaved the way he did. But you need to move on and build a more stable future for yourself.

I slept with my best friend

Dear Bunmi,
I was feeling really lonely a few weeks ago and slept with one of my male friends. He’s my best friend as a matter of fact and has liked me for years but I didn’t fancy him sexually. Ever since we slept together, he’s been sending me texts and phone messages and it’s obvious he thinks we’re now an item. I’m currently recovering from a messy divorce and I don’t want to get involved with any man for now. What should I do?
Rita
By E-mail

Dear Rita,
In a moment of weakness it’s easy to take advantage of an admirer but if you knew he’d always fancied you, you shouldn’t have led him on. After so many years, his unrequited love appeared to be reciprocated. You can’t blame him for getting carried away. If there’s no hope of love between you, then you have to let him go. Be cruel to be kind and explain how you feel about your recent divorce. He may feel angry and cut off contact as he heals his heart, but if you share true friendship then he’ll still be there to support you’ in future.

I’m married to him – and his dead wife

Dear Bunmi,
My husband just turned 60 and I am 57. We got married six years ago after his wife had been dead for two years. They’d been married for 25 years. After we got married, I let go of my flat and went to live with him with my teenage son. My husband took  the death of his wife very badly and talks about her constantly – even when we have company. He then bursts into tears.

It looks as if I’m married to this man and his dead wife. I not only share their house, I also share their friends. Our marriage has degenerated into continual bickering. We never go out or have sex but we don’t want separation. We both want our marriage to be happy.
Victoria,
By E-mail

Dear Victoria,
There will be discontent in your marriage until you accept that your husband’s late wife is not and never can be your rival. Your husband loves you – but he also loves the woman to whom he was married for most of his adult life. This is hard for you to come to terms with. When your resentment of his late wife spills out, he feels wounded. You need to realize his grieving for his dead wife will continue until the day he dies.

You need to make your husband realize that you understand his sense of loss instead of feeling jealous. Rather than bristling at the mention of his wife’s name, help your man to mourn. You two need to rediscover the sense of fellowship and common purpose that led you to the alter. Reach into your heart and replace resentment with patient affection. Respect him for loving his dead wife.

I need this affair!

Dear Bunmi,
My husband isn’t the athletic type when it comes to sex. And it is sheer luck that he stayed erect enough for us to have two children. Now, he doesn’t seem to like sex and avoids it at all costs. I’ve recently met a man who is virile and we’ve had sex.

I don’t want to end my marriage but I can’t live without sex. My husband saw a text message this man sent to me and went ballistic. I lied nothing had happened yet, but hinted he could be the answer to his obvious impotence. He looked as if he wanted to strangle me. But he still won’t make love to me. It’s frustrating.
Funmi,
By e-mail

Dear Funmi,
If you don’t love your husband, then, go right ahead with this affair. It won’t make him suddenly want to have sex with you but it will sure create such bad feelings that he might throw you out and then you’ll be able to continue with this crazy scheme. But, if you love your husband, you need to stand by him. He needs your help because there may be something seriously wrong with him, mentally or physically. Your man could be suffering, from impotence and can’t perform, which is why he’s avoiding sex, so as not to feel inadequate. Show and tell him you care about him and want to help.

Dumped by my toy-boy

Dear Bunmi,
A while back, I got together with a 28-year-old man I met through a friend. He’s a very good-looking man and the sex was mind-blowing. I am 39 and married with three children. It was my friend through whom I met this guy that told me he would soon be getting married. As you can imagine, I was devastated. When I asked him, he simply cut off all contact with me. I’m really hurting. How could he do that to me?
Monalisa,
By E-mail

Dear Monalisa,
What has this toy-boy of yours done to you that you haven’t done to him? He was only having fun, dating a woman years older than he is, and so were you.

Or, did you think any permanent relationship could come off it? If you are serous about this fling, it means something is seriously wrong with your marriage and you need to address this urgently.

His wife asked for a DNA of our child

Dear Bunmi,
I had a daughter 13 years ago and it was after I had her that I discovered her father was married. He told his wife and we kept seeing each other. Apart from one argument I had with her, the arrangement had worked. Now, this man suffers from prostate cancer and is in hospital but his wife won’t let my daughter visit her dad.

She’s even suggesting my girl is not her husband’s by insisting on a dna test to prove he is. Why is she being so bitchy all of a sudden?
Alero,
By E-mail

Dear Alero,
Your lover’s wife doesn’t want to believe that her husband betrayed her so deeply even though she knew the truth years ago. Especially now, when his life is on the line, she wants to feel he’s innocent and you’re the manipulating one.

Because your man accepted responsibility years ago, she can’t really stop your daughter visiting her dad, but agreeing to the test might be a tactful way forward. You need to realize though that even if this proves your lover is your girl’s father, his wife will find other reasons to keep you away as she needs to pretend he belongs to her and keeping you at arm’s length is a way to do that.

You need to let members of his family, who are aware of your daughter’s existence, know what is going on so they could intervene.

My husband’s colleague turns me on!

Dear Bunmil,
I’ve been married for eight years now and we have two sons. The problem is that I no longer fancy having sex and this worries my husband. He arranged for me to see a close friend of his, a medical doctor and counselor in the office/clinic with the hope that he could be able to sort out this problem. The doctor turned out to be extremely good-looking and witty. The irony is that I wouldn’t hesitate to jump into bed with him if he asked me, only thinking about him turns me on. How do I get him to make a pass at me?
Favour,
By E-mail

Dear Favour,
Why not think seriously of getting your husband to make a pass at you instead? That will certainly save you from embarrassment of being rejected by your husband’s doctor friend. You obviously were meeting him for the first time and making a pass at him could freak him out. You have a problem in your marriage no doubt, and this made you get off sex with your husband. Your desire for sex with another man could get out of control if you don’t get your marriage back on course. Find out the reason for this apathy and aim to focus your energy on rebuilding your marriage.

Disclaimer

Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.