By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
Six years ago, when I was compulsorily retired from my place of work where I held an executive position, I decided to learn a trade, information technology, to be precise. So at the age of 49, I found myself amongst a group of prospective business centre operators under the tutelage of a fairly successful expert.

He was a good instructor and got on well with us. But he particularly singled me out, giving me extra tips and encouragement. That Christmas, I gave him a present as a token of my appreciation. To thank me, he gave me a passionate kiss and money to buy things for my children. That was when our affair started.

Right from the onset, my lover made it clear that our relationship had no future. He was married. So was I, and a mother of three children. Stupidly, I thought that I could enjoy fantastic sex without my emotions becoming involved. But I soon fell in love with him – he was a fantastic man. It was obvious he was fond of me but he said he couldn’t lose everything by allowing himself to fall in love and that the intensity of my feelings for him scared him. He constantly warned me about getting hurt and that whatever I did, I should always put my husband before him.

Now I’ve passed out with flying colours and he helped me set up my own business. Only, we don’t get together much and he’s since got a new set of trainees. We keep in contact from time to time but I want to be with him as often as when I was training under him.

I’m jealous of his wife and anybody else he’s likely to run into. Through the grapevine, I learnt his wife is no saint but he obviously loves her and their five children. I would be foolish to hope he would abandon them for me and he’s toying with the idea of moving his business to his home town where he has bigger grounds. He’s also toying with going into politics. So what will I do when he eventually leaves?

I’m sure you’ll be shocked that a fifty something mother of three could feel like this about another woman’s husband but this is my first and only affair. Even though my husband had his share of flings, my grown-up children would definitely not be impressed by what I’ve got myself into.

My husband hurt me in the past and I resent him for this. He’s a good husband and father but I no longer have the deep and intense feelings for him that I now have for my lover. My husband would surely kick me out if he finds out. But how am I going to carry on knowing that I can never have the man I truly feel is the love of my life? I know I’m lucky to have a husband who still cares about me after all these years. Sadly, that is no longer enough for me.
Motara,
By E-mail

Dear Motara,
One thing you need to get clear is the fact that you’ve been able to enjoy such exciting sex with your lover because of the limitations of your relationship with him. He told you the score from start – you have sex for the sake of sex and nothing else.

Since you agreed to play the game by the rules he set, you need to disentangle yourself from him without allowing anyone to get hurt. Let’s face it, your lover is skilled at seducing women, so sex without strings is nothing to him. The reality of some kind of commitment to one another is not what either of you ever wanted.

If at the beginning, this smooth operator had asked you to break up two happy homes and marry him, you’d have run a mile. Now it seems you’ve soften away with not being caught and putting your family in emotional stress.

Don’t be greedy. You’ve had few years of illicit sex and this is the time to call it quits. He’s currently busy teaching other women what a great lover he can be. Whatever you do, don’t be bitter. Take the initiative and end this relationship now. You will not feel rejected or lost without his control. Cherish your memories and remind yourself that at any age, we can be willing, passionate fools.

She lied she was a virgin

Dear Bunmi,
I believed my girlfriend when she said she was a virgin, so when we finally had sex, it felt really special as I was a virgin too. But since then, I’ve discovered that she’d been to bed with two presvious boyfriends. How can I trust her again after a lie like this?
Ted
By e-mail

Dear Ted,
I understand why you feel hurt over this but remember that people usually lie because they feel bad about the truth. If your girlfriend is in love with you, she might feel guilty about having slept with someone else, and regret you weren’t her first. So don’t cut yourself off from her. Ask her why she felt she had to pretend, and then try to be sympathetic to her explanation. Lying’s never good, but on this occasion, you might be able to forgive and forget.

We’re over but he still turns me on

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend and I were together for close to four years and were very much in love. After my Youth Service, I found a challenging job and my boyfriend suddenly became insecure. He began to check my whereabouts and went through my things-including handbags.

He would also question me all the time, constantly wanting to know if I loved him. I eventually got fed up with his suspicion and called off the relationship. He was devastated naturally. I told him I loved him but hated the agro he always gave me.

In spite of the break-up, we see each other often even though he now lives with another woman.

He insists she was with him just for convenience and we still sleep together. He says he still loves me and wants me back.

His new woman is unaware of our affair and I feel bad about the deceit even though my boyfriend and I never really separated and he was the one who was always after me.
I’m just confused about this love triangle.
Susan
By E-mail

Dear Susan,
Your boyfriend’s self-esteem is obviously low. For whatever reason, he believes he doesn’t merit love. From the picture you’ve painted of him, I tend to agree – he’s unsure of his worth and thinks of any girl who offers him love as a possession that must be owned and controlled.

You made a mistake by sleeping with him after you’d kicked him out and knowing he has a live-in lover. Even if you get back together, he might not trust you again. Insecure people frequently have multiple partners to insulate their being hurt.

Don’t complicate things by hanging on and being the other woman where you once were the main thing. Cast your net into deeper waters!

My dad’s a ladies’ man

Dear Bunmi,
My parents have been married for 30 years and my dad’s been cheating ever since I became conscious of what it meant. My mum has always forgiven him.

Only, his recent conquest is a student in the same university as mine – what’s more, daddy is making their affair the talk-of-the-town. My parents are not speaking any more. I hate what my dad is doing to the family and the hurt he’s putting my mum through. I think he’s selfish and heartless.
Runme,
By E-mail

Dear Runme,
As difficult as it is, you must try not to take sides, as you don’t know the whole story and so can’t make a judgment. If you become too hostile to your dad and your parents make things up, you may end up being estrangedfrom both of them.

I fantasise about unsuitable men

Dear Bunmi,
I sometimes have strange sexual thoughts which are completely at odds with what I like sexually. Sometimes, I’ll be talking with someone I don’t find attractive in the slightest and imagine us having sex, even though the thought physically repulses me. Sometimes, I even steal glances at men’s crotches to weigh their bits. I find my current behaviour unnerving and upsetting. Does it mean I secretly want to sleep with these people?
Susan
By E-mail

Dear Susan,
I don’t think so. It is what you do sexually that is important, not what you think. So it is pointless getting all hung-up or feeling guilty about any naughty thoughts you’re having or have had. Fleeting thoughts about what it might be like to sleep with your best friend’s bloke or your partner’s worst enemy don’t usually mean a thing. We are defined by our sexual behaviour not our sexual impulses. So, don’t try to analyse, explain or justify what appears to be out of character flashes of lust. It’s usually a waste of energy because we all have bizarre thoughts.

For instance, have you ever been in your car and been annoyed by the capers of the Okada riders and wondered what would happen if you put your foot on the accelerator and drove into them? Does this make you a homicidal maniac who should be locked up? Of course not! We’ve all had weired fantasies about something or another and this is just another example. So don’t panic, but think about what it might represent. It may be a signal you’re yearning for variety in your real sex life. Imagining having sex with lots of other people could be your subconscious nudging you to experiment a little more with your partner.

He’s in his fifties and off sex!

Dear Bunmi,
My husband and I are both in our fifties and our sex life is virtually non-existent. Other than this, the marriage is solid and the kids are our pride and joy. I have tried talking to him about it. I’ve asked him if he’s no longer interested in me that way or if he has someone else and he always reassures me that he loves me very much. But no matter what I say, nothing seems to work and I’m getting increasingly fed-up. There is nothing physically wrong with him and we have no worries over work or money. What do I do?
Chioma
By e-Mail

Dear Chioma,
Contrary to popular opinion that has the wife in an unflattering nightie facing the wall, it’s often the man who decided to stop having sex in long-term relationships. We just don’t hear  it because no one  talks about it. There are many reasons why this happens. You didn’t mention what your sex- life was like before, but if your husband has never had a particularly high libido, ageing doesn’t help, levels of testosterone fall and he may be experiencing erection problems (common in your 50s) but be too embarrassed to tell you.

Encourage him to get a full medical, including a check of testosterone levels (supplements can make quite a difference). Once he’s been given the all-clear, try a different approach. Don’t wait for him to initiate sex. Just do it. Encourage him to have sex as this can ignite passion. Also encourage him to tell you what his secret turns-on are and indulge in them if you can or at least recreate a sense of them. Domesticity dampens desire for a lot of men and he may need the promise of a spicy, fresh scenario to get his interest aroused.