Dear Bunmi,

I’ve been seeing a guy for the last few months – and though he seemed interested in the relationship he didn’t make a move on me sexually. I’ve tried everything – kissing him deeply, snuggling up to him whenever I could and generally letting him know I was ready for sex but he just didn’t respond. I thought he was just shy or may be a bit inexperienced so I took matters into my own hands and unzipped his trousers, intending to give him enough stimulation to make him want sex. I couldn’t believe it when he jumped up in horror, made a silly excuse and left.

You can imagine how, upset I was but he called the next day and said he wanted to talk, and then told me he’d never had sex in his life. At 28? I asked him why and he said it just turned out that way. I asked for details but he wasn’t prepared to tell me more, saying he was too embarrassed about it. He however expressed the wish to have sex with me but I’m really freaked out by the idea. He’s a nice looking chap and I find it really odd that for a man living and working in Lagos, sex hasn’t featured in his life. Sleeping with a virgin doesn’t appeal to me and I don’t know how to handle this.

Khafilat,
By e-mail

Dear Khafilat,
It might be unusual for a man not to have had sex by that age but it’s not as common you think. In most cases, it is not deliberate and he just misses the opportunity when everyone else around was experimenting. It could be his early girlfriends were less keen on having sex and maybe he wasn’t sure what to do, so didn’t even try. He could also be shy or he didn’t find it easy to get a girlfriend until now. It is common for men like him to avoid making any sexual advances for fear of embarrassing themselves. And with his mate bragging all the time about their ‘conquest’ he might not want to confide in his friends.

Being a 28 year-old virgin could be really embarrassing and it was brave of him to tell you his secret as he clearly trusts you and likes you a lot to do so. It is alright to feel a little freaked out but you need to show a little sensibility here. Even if you don’t feel like ‘deflowering’ him, at least do him the favour of dealing with this diplomatically as he’s likely to be very sensitive to any negative reaction.

But do you want a relationship with him? If you don’t, you need to exist tactfully and kindly so he’s not left feeling like a freak. If you do and his lack of experience is the only thing putting you off, then you need to turn your thinking around and be the first to introduce your man to the pleasures of sex. He’s bound to cherish the experience for the rest of his life!

Could I turn out like my dad?

Dear Bunmi,
My dad cheated on my mother when we were young and went on to have a love child, something I hated him for as we were a close knit family. I’m now in my late 20s and I’m worried it could be the case of like-father-like son for me. I’ve cheated on quite a few girlfriends, whenever I’m bored with them and currently have a son. The girl’s parents said she should not have anything to do with me.
They believe I am a gold-digger, though this is out of the question.

I’m ashamed of my behaviour and will really like to be a responsible husband and father one day soon. Yet I have this fear that, like my father, I might end up always being unfaithful.
Tony,
Bye-mail

Dear Tony,
Being unfaithful is not something you inherit, or are born with. It’s true that some people with unfaithful parents cheat, but this is only because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. You obviously believe it’s wrong, so there is no reason why you should carry on like your dad. Next time you’re tempted, remind yourself that you can choose how to behave-no one is forcing your eyes to rove. Then think about what other options you have.

If a relationship bores you, then move on rather than cheat. Search yourself to find out why you keep getting stuck in relationships that bore you and if possible, wait for that one person that would make a difference. Once you meet the right partner, your love-life becomes an exciting prospect!