By Bunmi Sofola

When you need a shoulder to cry on, the first person that springs to  mind is your best friend, right?  Well, not necessarily.  Some best friends could be as deadly as your worst enemy.  That’s what Sefi found out when she was having problems with her husband.  He was almost 18 years older and she was his second wife.  “His first wife is quite cantankerous and vowed never to have anything to do with me or my two children”, Sefi said.  “So Raymond, my husband, set up another home for me and the children.  He was building a bigger house on the Island where he meant to relocate all of us.  I was to be in a completely detached bungalow so I wouldn’t clash with his first wife.

“But she was having none of that – it was either her or she wouldn’t relocate anywhere with him.  As soon as the house was ready, she moved into her own house – a house Raymond was unaware she had until then.  He was a bit angry but secretly I was happy.  Raymond had always been a skirt chaser but if we were under the same roof, maybe I could curtail this – after all, he wasn’t getting any younger.  The house he set up for us had stopped being a love nest, we were lucky if we saw him once a month.  He did most of his communication on the phone.  Luckily, my social life didn’t suffer.  My friends are party buffs and we had fun to the max.

“Inevitably, I met Lati, one of my friend’s elder brother, whom I’d known since school.  He’d just come back from abroad and was expecting his family to join him in a few months’ time when the schools were on vacation.  I had a furniture shop and he visited to buy a few items for his new flat.  I even went to his flat to give him professional advice on how to furnish it.

“The day we moved in his double bed, we both bounced on nit excitedly wondering who would ‘christen’ it and before we knew it, we were making love on the bed.  I had not had sex for months and didn’t feel sorry.  I knew he wasn’t looking for a mistress who might foul things up for him when his family arrived.

“In the meantime, Banke, my closest friend had confided in me she was having an affair but refused to tell me who with.  Now we were at par as I excitedly told her I was having an affair too!  As we swopped secrets, I discovered Raymond barely came to visit.  He was either too busy with work or overseeing the new house.  He was often short with me whenever we eventually talked.

“Banke urged me to be patient with him, telling me I was lucky to have Lati to take my mind off things.  But Lati’s family had since been back and I didn’t want a hole-in-the-corner affair where we had to resort to motels.

“Once in a while, when the kids were out, I let Lati in, but I wasn’t happy with Raymond’s behaviour.  Then, out of the blues, Raymond told me he’d moved to the new house and had decided to live alone.  He didn’t want to give the impression his first family was more important than mine, so all his children would be free to come and go as they pleased!  I was shocked to say the least – what was he playing at?  Banke was as furious as I was and urged me to go and have a heart to heart talk with him.  Only, he wasn’t really answering the phone and when he eventually did weeks, later, he agreed we needed to talk.  ‘Phone me afterwards’.  Banke said, when I told her, ‘I’m here for you if you need me’, she said, I thought that was strange.  What would I be needing her for?

“Raymond was not keen on living with me – it was that obvious.

“Our lengthy talk did nothing to dissuade him.  Whenever I needed to see him, he said I was free to visit – so were my children.  He’d always been a good father.  I was on my way from church one Sunday morning when I decided to call on Ray as his house was on my way.  When I saw Banke’s car in the drive, I was confused.  Surely, she wasn’t there on my behalf this early in the morning?  I was shocked when I got in and found both of them having breakfast.  Banke didn’t bat an eyelid as Ray asked me to join in!  I asked Banke what she was doing in my husband’s house and Ray quickly defended she was giving him details of enquiries he asked her to make.  By now, I was visibly furious but I was on my way from church and didn’t want an ugly confrontation.  I had too much dignity for that.  So, I left, trying not to imagine my so-called best friend and my husband laughing at my expense.  She even had the guts to want to see me off but I stopped her with one of my killer looks.

“I made sure I spread her betrayal amongst our friends and we all ostracised her.  I was really bitter and I made my feelings known to Raymond.  He’d had his share of affairs and this latest one of his begged understanding.  Months later, he kicked Banke out of his life.  He’d already used her to get at me.  As shameless as she was, she even tried to apologise but I told her I’d moved on.  Thanks to both of them, I was now free to pursue some of the contracts Ray said I wouldn’t have time for because of the kids and I have now moved on to bigger and better things.  When last I ran into Banke, I almost felt sorry for her.  She looked embarrassed to see me.  The traitor!, she deserved all the bad thing that happened to her….”

Same Frozen Treatment?  (Humour)

John’s parrot had a bad attitude and awful language.  He tried hard to change the bird’s behaviour by talking to it politely but nothing worked.  If he yelled at the bird, it yelled back, and when he shook the bird, it became angry and rude.  Finally, in desperation, John put the parrot in the freezer.  He heard the bird squawk, kick and scream.  Then all went quiet.  Afraid he might have hurt it, John opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out and said; “I believe I may have offended you with my rudeness and swearing.  I’ll try at once to behave, and I beg your forgiveness.”  John was shocked at the transformation.  Then the parrot said: “May I ask what the chicken in that freezer did to upset you?”

Dr. Feel Good!  (Humour)

During a routine check-up a woman is asked to undress and climb onto the examination table.  “Doctor,” she says shyly, “I can’t undress in front of you.”  “Ok, I’ll turn off the lights,” he says “Tell me when you’re done.”

Moments later, the woman whispers!  “I’m undressed.  Where should I put my clothes?”  The doctor replies:  “On the chair with mine.”