Relationships

May 12, 2024

I regret the day I slept with my wife!

Dear Bunmi, my ex is married but she's using me for s3x

I don’t want to go and begin to blame anyone because, once people read my story, they will begin to judge me.

As you are looking at me right now, you will not believe I am just 32 years old and recently got married. I look like I am almost 50 years old and already tired of life.

So what happened to me?

I joined one church, a popular church that is on every street corner. I can’t name names because I have enough trouble in my head. You will know what church it is; you do not have to count three popular churches before you know it.
So I joined this church and was zealous for the things of God. Though I was raised a Catholic, I joined the Pentecostal church and wanted to be a part of the church not just a regular churchgoer. I entered into the workers’ training; did all the tests to be an approved servant of the Lord.

All of these times, I had met the lady who is now my wife. She also was raised a Catholic but since we were not wedded yet by the church, she had not begun to come to church with me.

We both agreed that after marriage, she would be coming to my church.

We decided to get married and I began to make preparations. This was October 2022. The idea was to complete our traditional wedding that December and, come 2023, we would be married in church and do our court marriage.

So that by December, we had our traditional wedding: The Igba’n Nkwu. That is wine-carrying where the two families will agree that these two are married.

Everything went well. Before I did the Igba’n Nkwu, I told my Pastors in Lagos that I would be going home for my traditional wedding and, come 2023, will do my church wedding around March or maybe April.

I knew the church wedding would cost a lot, so when we returned to Lagos in January, my wife and I did a budget: wedding gown, my own suit, dresses for the best man, the little bride and ring bearer, cake, catering, canopies, chairs, décor, photographer, video, album…it ran into millions!

I told my wife to be patient. Let’s move the wedding to the middle of the year. Then I would have recovered from the traditional wedding expenses and begin to put something aside for the church wedding. It would have been tough but not so much because I am a trader and business was good.

But I had another human being to take care of, my woman, so I had money put in several places. Do you understand?
Whenever I got money, I would give it to the caterer or person making cake or dressmaker making my wife’s bridal gown. There’s still rent and fuel for the car and generator and other expenses…but to make things easy for me, I got their costs and anytime I made money, I would give each vendor.

All of these times, I kept telling my pastors that, on so and so date, I would like to get married. I was told to register the date and bring my wife so the church could begin to counsel us. We had to go through three months of counseling before the church would marry us as man and wife.

We did everything they asked me to do.

Then one day, one of the women in training with me in the church asked me how my wedding preparation was progressing. I confided in her that things were so expensive: “See what and what I am being charged for: Cake, catering in general, etc”…in short I was getting overwhelmed with all the expenses.

The woman was shocked at the high prices the vendors were charging me, she said she could have helped as she herself was a caterer but it was too late.

I said, “What do you mean by too late? Please if I can get it cheaper, I will.”

You won’t believe it, the woman gave me better prices and connected me to another woman who bakes cakes in the church and I got more than 30% discount!

I told my wife, “See what has happened. I have taken the contracts away from this and that person; we will have enough to do our wedding”.

But you know women. Instead of her to be happy that I was saving money, she began to say maybe there was something between me and the woman who was trying to help. She said she did not trust there was nothing between us because she had said the money the woman charged us was too much and that I insisted on giving her the catering contract.

I said “that is not so, but even if you think I have something to do with her, I am the one saying we are no longer using her. I have asked for my money to be returned and we are not using her again”.

Wahala, wahala, wahala! We said some things to each other and the fight escalated beyond what I did envisaged.
My wife was so angry she threatened not to go ahead with the wedding again. She wanted me to confess that I had a relationship with this woman. You know. I began to regret even telling her the whole story.

Anyway, I begged my wife and we made up by making love that night and that was the night my wife conceived.

I know that while we were doing counseling, they told us that because we hadn’t done church wedding, we should not consider ourselves married. I truly didn’t want to have sex with my wife. Though we had done the traditional wedding, we were yet to do the court and church versions. And they told us in church that God does not recognise the marriage we did in the village and so we should not have sex.

But that night…we did.

Now, we have a WhatsApp platform for the church where announcements are made and my wedding and other people’s weddings, child dedication…you know general announcements like retreat, conventions…are made on that platform.

I am on that platform and every time they send a reminder about my wedding, people will respond by saying they would be there. So when we were budgeting for the wedding, I kept adding money to the caterer’s bill because the church was a large one and I didn’t want church members coming to me to say they didn’t get food to eat on the wedding day.

I paid the photographer, the video man, the DJ who will provide music and even the MC, canopies, tables, chairs, decorations, cake…

One week before the wedding, the church said that we had to go and do pregnancy test.

My wife and I were supposed to meet at the lab the church asked us to go. We did the test and I was given the result in a sealed envelope. Only the pastor could open it.

When I got to the church office, the pastor wasn’t around, so I was to go back the following day. The pastor opened it and it said my wife was already pregnant by a few weeks!

I stood there like a fool!

The pastor was angry. He told me he was disappointed in me, he told me I would not be a worker in his church anymore and the one that killed me was that there would be no wedding in that church following Saturday!
Saturday was in five days.

I had paid photographers, I had paid for canopies, décor, chairs and tables, I had paid for music and video, I had paid for catering; forget the catering, I had bought special warmers that the food of the pastors and elders of the church would be served. I had bought drinks. My friends, my family, my wife’s friends and family, her colleagues…everyone was coming on Saturday for our wedding that would not hold!

I went on my knees and begged the pastor. I said, “I have sinned, I know but this woman is already my wife. We held ourselves but something happened and we did it. She is already my wife because I sought her from her parents who gave consent…”

All of these fell on deaf ears. The pastor called a few church members and I was made to feel dirty, unworthy…I cried.
I tried to get a few church elders to plead for me. They said I was a disappointment.

I could not believe it! So am I the only one who has committed fornication in this church?

I went on my knees and begged God to forgive me but I got no respite. It seemed as if God was also not happy with me. Do you know that it was announced on the church platform that my wedding would not be conducted by the church!
I had to leave the platform because I just couldn’t stand the way they were condemning me there.

But you know, in my mind, I kept hoping for the best. I kept hoping they would forgive me and call me and say, “oya, pray this prayer of repentance and we will do this…”

There was no changing the venue because it was to be held in the church’s hall.

On that Saturday, nobody from the church showed up except our other guests. I had booked three huge canopies for church members, you know how you label canopies – the church’s own was the biggest, but on Saturday, my wedding day, not one bird could be found under those canopies.

Everyone was asking questions, in fact, we kept calling my brother who was at the venue to know whether we should come there or not. My wife and I were so ashamed when we heard that no one from the church came. I said, we shouldn’t bother to go there. But there was no way to stop our guests. How many would you call?