Woman's Own

December 29, 2022

Talking about sex, solution to most issues in relationships —Tola Ajayi, sex therapist

Talking about sex, solution to most issues in relationships —Tola Ajayi, sex therapist


Tola Ajayi, the Clinic Manager, Nordical Fertility Centre, Lagos is a sex relationship and fertility counsellor. In this interview, she speaks on sex, challenges and the need for good sex in relationships.

By Ebunoluwa Sessou

As a sex therapist, what percentage of your attention is needed in a relationship?

We talk about sex. In this part of the world, we are not open to talking about sex publicly. Growing up, you are not supposed to touch your body and that has been the background as Africans. Nowadays, the narrative is changing. We know that sex is usually the problem in many homes.

It is only in very few homes that sex is not a problem because the man and the woman understand each other. They know the need for one another. But, in most cases, sex is a problem.

As therapist, I talk about sex openly and encourage people to seek help. If the man is very active and the woman is not active for one reason or the other, she needs to seek help. She needs to find out why she is not responding to her husband as he wishes.

If you are able to go through it together, talk about her challenges, it could be that she is overwhelmed at work, even at home and as such, she is not getting the necessary support from the husband. A lady will feel that, how can she come back from work and still be the one to cook, do the house chores and then the husband is waiting for her to have sex?

So, she is never going to open up or accept the man like that. Look at the challenges. If you are not talking about it, you will not know where the problem is coming from. Most of the time, when couples have challenges, when they are fighting all the time, the main problem is sex.

And that is not what they are going to talk about. Nobody will understand. The pastor will not understand, he will only tell them to pray while family members talk about finances. Meanwhile, the main problem is sex. It may be that the man is having extramarital affairs; he is not bothered about the feelings of the woman. Or the woman is the one that is not giving the man what he wants.

There is always a problem somewhere and that is where the sex therapist comes in. Encouraging people to talk about sex and analyze the problems might just be something they need to talk about and fix the problem.

What kind of complaints do these couples bring to your table?

Most of the time there is a lack of communication. What do I mean? The man wants a particular way of sex, the woman is not willing and the man is not talking about it. Or maybe, the man wants to suck the wife’s breast and the wife does not want it. It is a lack of communication. It is good for the woman to tell the husband what tickles her.

She should be able to tell the husband to kiss her on her breast if that is what she wants. She should be able to tell the husband where to touch her. It might be just kissing the back of her ear. If that is going to solve the problem, just talk about it. Lack of communication, most of the time, is a problem. Lack of emotion is another thing. Men are wired differently from women.

Men are wired by what they see. That is why a man could have an erection just by looking at the woman  on the road. But, the woman is different. She is based on emotion. It is the way she feels towards you that would make her want to have sex with you.

If a man is fantasizing about a big breast and the wife does not have a big breast, there is a problem already. If you want the boob to be bigger, just touch the breast. Just touch it as it is. Just make sure that you are touching. The woman wants her husband to touch her and the man is not touching. He will just come and open the wrapper and wants to have sex.

There is supposed to be preparation towards that and that is what the woman is asking. Love me, touch me, kiss me, hold me, that is what the woman wants for her to be able to get on board with you but the man is not patient enough. He just wants to have sex and move on.

Sometimes, there is a real problem such that the wife is always dry. She could be dry because of certain things or she is having some pains when she is having sex. That is a real problem. But, the question is, what should be done? It is still about communication.

It could be that the pain is related to a disease like endometriosis, or pain in the vagina, or she is not just wet. If she is not wet, you can use lubricant. If the husband is using lubricant for the wife, both of them will enjoy sex.

Look at the challenges and if you are not talking about it, you will not know where the problem is coming from.

What is the importance of sex in a relationship?

Marriage is about communication. It is a spiritual relationship. The physical is the sex. There are some sexless marriages. If you ask them, they are not happy. Unless, there is a problem with both couples and they knew before they got married and they both agreed they will not have sex, then, it is fine. In any relationship, for you to come together as husband and wife, there must be an attraction and this is what will lead to sex.

 And if one of them is deprived, then, there is a problem. If the man or woman is having sex outside the marriage, then, there is a problem. Sex is very important in a marriage. You want to have sex for pleasure, you want to have sex to be able to have children. If you are not having the pleasure in a marriage, you will have it outside.

And that is why communication is key. Sex is the icing on the cake. When couples talk about sex, it makes the marriage pleasurable.

What kind of sex can couples enjoy, and how many times in a week should they have sex?

It is on individual basis. Some people might have sex everyday as long as both couples want it. Some people might be twice in a week as long as it is fine for both of them. That is why communication is key.

The type of sex is for both of them to decide. Is it missionary? Do they want to explore other positions? It is for them to decide. Some people in their entire marriage never did any other style than the man at the top. But, some people spice up their relationships with different types of sex. It can be in the kitchen, bathroom, on the table, on the floor while watching television as long as the children are not there. It is based on what the couples want.

Is oral sex good?

For some people, oral sex is the best. There is nothing wrong with oral sex as long as it is between both couples. The man might want to suck the wife. The woman might not want it. There is a problem there. The man might want the wife to suck him and the wife might not want to do that. There is a problem there. So, if both of them agree on oral sex, there is no problem.

Sex is good. It makes the woman glow. When a woman is having good sex, she glows. She is happy.