November 27, 2022

He burnt his fingers replacing his menopausal wife with a bombshell!

File: Menopause

By Bunmi Sofola

When Ibidun hit the menopause, her erratic behaviour became irritating and unbearable to Peter, her husband.  She was 48 and a mother of four grown-up children.

A normally bubbly woman, she became testy, snarling and crying most of the time.  “Whenever I tried to find out what the matter was, she shoved me away,” said Peter, “and I felt so lonely and rejected.

“I am a retired legal practitioner but help out at a friend’s chambers from time to time.  It was at his office that I met Mandy, a very pretty half caste in her 30s – she was married too, but a very friendly woman.  She’d come for legal advice about a social club she was forming with a group of friends and I gladly assisted her.

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“I saw her again a few days later. Ibidun’s mood swings were getting on my nerves and it was refreshing to chat with a friendly woman for a change.

“She was a flirt and we hit it off straight away. Within weeks, we were making love.  I was approaching 60, but she was so amazing she brought out the best in me.  Of course I felt guilty about cheating on my wife – I’ve had the odd flings before, but this was certainly more than a fling.

“Two months after we started sleeping together, she came to the small guest house I kept on one of my properties as my love-nest and it was obvious she’d been crying.  What now?

““It’s Azu (her husband), he won’t give me the money he promised me and the children’s school fees are due. Could I borrow N50,000 off you?” she begged, eyes brimming with tears.  “I’ll pay you back as soon as I have the money.”

“I thought of her two lovely boys (I’d seen their photographs in her wallet) and my heart melted.  I handed the money to her the next day.  She was pathetically grateful that I felt so proud to be of help.  It was ages since I’d felt useful.

“A month later, she came with another story.  Her mother had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and she needed to be operated on immediately.  Her siblings would chip in of course, but any help I could give would be appreciated.

“I’d just collected some rent on the premises I had my guest house in. So, I gave her another N50,000.  She looked so relieved that I shrugged off the alarm bell that kept on ringing inside me. 

“When I saw her again, she was a shadow of herself. Her mum didn’t survive the operation but she needed money for the funeral.  She told me of her mother’s house and how her three children had decided to sell it off so the money could be used to defray the cost of her funeral.

“She said she would love me to handle the sale of the house and showed me copies of the relevant papers. In the meantime, she needed yet more money for her mother’s funeral.  I was a bit skint.  I am, a family man with my own financial responsibilities.  But I reasoned that if I were handling the sale of the house, I could deduct whatever I lent her.

“To my shame, I went to my first son, an architect, and lied to him that I needed to borrow some money urgently for some renovation in the house.  He readily gave me N250,000 and I left his office sick at my deception and at how low I’d sunk.  As I handed the money over to Mandy, I warned her I was broke and would want back all the money she borrowed as soon as possible.

“My first daughter’s engagement ceremonies were round the corner and this had made Ibidun a bit more bearable to live with.  She reminded me of the loving wife she once was.  But what kind of a husband was I?  Instead of helping her through the trauma of the menopause, I hopped into bed with a woman who now thinks I was a cash register!

“In the meantime, I waited for the original documents of her late mother’s house to be brought so it could be sold as quickly as possible.  I’d already lined up prospective buyers.  Until then, I kept helping – paying for car repairs and her kids’ requirements until a few days later when I saw my lawyer friend and asked if he went to Mandy’s mother’s funeral.  He looked blank.

“He didn’t know who Mandy was.  I reminded him that I’d met her in his chambers when she came about the social club she was helping to set up.  The penny finally dropped and he confessed he didn’t even know she was called Mandy.  As far as he knew the mother was still alive.

“Furious and shaking with dread, I dialed her mobile.  Her sexy voice came on but when I asked when her mother really died, she just switched off.  I tried to call her but it didn’t go through.

“In the end, I went back to my friend to confess everything.  He stared at me, stunned.  He dropped his head for a while, then shook it. ‘Mandy’s conned a lot of men in the past,’ he said.  ‘Why didn’t you tell me you were involved with her?  I would have warned you’.”

The Language Of Love  (Humour)

A middle-aged man gets chatting to a young chap on a plane back to Lagos. 

The younger man confides that he’s newly married, but has been on a month-long business trip and can’t wait to see his wife again.

As the two men walk through arrivals, a young woman waves and calls. “E-F! No, S-F! Her husband calls back.

“You have code names for each other?  The older man asks.  “No” says the husband.  “It’s just that she wants to Eat First”.

Your Good Fortune In Your Hand!  (Humour)

A man has a job interview at a condom factory, “What will the job entail”? the man asks.  “Well, it’s quality control,” the foreman says.

“You check one in every hundred condoms.”

He then removes one from the production line, stretches it, holds it up to the light, places it over his manhood and calls over his secretary.

She proceeds to hitch up her skirt, pull down her kickers and bend over.  The foreman does the deed, then says, “There, easy as that.”

That man cannot believe his luck. 

“When do I start?” he asks. “Monday, 8.00a.m. sharp.”

The next Monday, the man is first on the production line.  He picks up the 100th condom, stretches it, holds it up to the light, pulls it over his manhood then calls over the secretary.

But this time, she just grabs his manhood and pleasures him.  Seeing the confusion on the man’s face, she says: “Sorry, it’s company policy.  You have to work a week in hand.”