By Bunmi Sofola
With all the fuss we made of Valentine’s Day and all the mushy gifts that cost the earth but are soon put at the back of the wardrobe, all the expensive cards that eventually end up in the dustbin – better alternatives that could be useful to your better half could come in handy. That is why these practical alternatives suggested by a frustrated wife in a letter to her husband, caught my eye as soon as I saw it. Read it through and learn a thing or two from it and maybe have the best Valentine’s Day ever!
It’s not often that I ask you for anything – no, really, it isn’t. (Asking you to take out the bins doesn’t count AS THIS IS YOUR JOB). But as Valentine’s Day is approaching I thought you might like a little bit of help choosing my gift.
Forget buying me anything expensive (or anything cheap). What I’d really, really like for Valentine’s Day won’t cost you a single penny. Yes, that’s right. The way to my heart is not through your wallet.
Instead I would like one or two – OK, 14-simple acts of kindness and consideration to let me know that you care.
1.First, let me have a lie-in. When the children burst through the bedroom door at six in the morning demanding breakfast, do not lie there pretending to be asleep. Do not poke me in the ribs with your elbow and say: ‘The kids want you, love’.
Do not sigh and turn over. Instead, say: “I’ll do it. You like there and have a rest. Goodness knows, you deserve it!” A cup of tea would be nice too. Milk, no sugar, in case you have forgotten.
2.Breakfast in bed wouldn’t go amiss either just don’t turn the kitchen into a bomb site trying to toast a few pieces of bread.
3.After that I would like us to spend the day together, not acting as taxi drivers to our kids, not scrubbing toilets and mending the lock on the bathroom door, and not arguing about trivial things.
4.Instead I would like a day of well thought-out surprises such as an empty laundry basket, freshly scrubbed and pyjama-ed children and dinner in the oven without me having to left a finger.
5.By dinner I do not mean a pizza shoved in the oven or a takeaway. I mean something that involves you, the cooker and pots and pans.
6.And of course, don’t forget the washing-up.
7.While you’re doing that I would like a long soak in a hot, bubbly bath. I know that, being a man, you don’t understand the allure of along soak in a hot, bubbly bath. For your information, it is NOT the same thing as a two-minute plunge in a tub of lukewarm water that has already had three children in it, taken while everyone else wanders in to stare/clean their teeth complain.
8.After that, I;d like us to settle down together on the sofa to watch television. Yes, I know this is what we do almost every night but on Valentine’s Day, just for once, I get control of the remote.
9.There will be no football on the box. I don’t care if it’s the biggest game of the season. I don’t care if it’s the Cup Final. I want to watch Desperate Housewives otherwise I will become one.
10.There will be no sighing, shuffling or muttering. ‘Who watches this rubbish?’ while we are watching. And if a very attractive actress appears on screen you must no start gawping at her like a slack-jawed fool.
11.And, perhaps, during the ad breaks – instead of flicking channels – we might have a conversation. To be clear, a conversation is where I speak and you listen and respond, rather than simply nodding and saying ‘Hmmm’ every time I pause for breath.
12.During the conversation feel free to rub my feet-my shoulders/ my neck, tell me I don’t look a day over 28/ all of the above.
13.Please ignore the fact that I will probably be wearing my comfy pyjamas, no make-up and hair-removal cream on my top lip. Just remember, true love is blind!
14.Finally, I would like to climb into a bed covered with clean, ironed sheets, fluffed-up pillows and a soft, billowy blanket that has been freshly changed – by you.
The sooner men realise these simple (and free) things are all their women really want, the happier everyone will be, because no one feels more cherished, adored and appreciated than a woman who gets a bit of help around the house from her man.
And no one is happier than a man whose woman feels cherished, adored, and appreciated (I think you know what I’m saying here!).
Love from, your (over-worked and under-appreciated) wife.
Oh No! Not again! (Humour)
A man and his wife were at the zoo when a gorilla sees the wife and gets excited. “Lift your skirt and tease him”, the man says. The ape goes mental. `Ok, get your breasts out’. The ape goes berserk. Finally, the man opens the cage and throws his wife in … “Now tell him you’ve got a headache!”