By Bunmi Sofola
It’s the time of the season when some lovers, married or single, are up to a lot of shenanigans – be it during the Christmas period or around the New Year. Last New Year, Benita, a matron in a specialist hospital, suddenly found herself on duty on New Year’s eve. “The other matron had a family emergency and I was promised a couple of days off for my inconvenience. Peter, my husband wasn’t amused. We’d planned to see in the New Year with some close friends but I urged him to go without me.
“Around midnight, I was helping an old patient who’d taken a tumble from his bed when – crack; my back went. I yelped in pain and was helped to the treatment room. After a couple of hours, the pain was still there, though a bit milder. It was decided I should go home since I wouldn’t be much use to the patients.
“Thank goodness I could manage to drive home in spite of the pain. As I winced up the stairs and opened the bedroom door, never expecting my husband to be there since he was presumed to be at the party, I stood shell-shocked at what greeted my eyes. Peter was lying flat on his back, stark naked. The bed cover was on the floor and a naked woman was lying next to him. Fury raced through me. I wanted to batter the two of them – but I was in too much pain with my back. The woman’s arm was lying on Peter’s chest.
“Suddenly, an idea came to my fuming mind. Creeping downstairs, I went to the kitchen drawer where we keep a tube of superglue, then went back upstairs. I could hardly stand looking at my husband with this floozy as tears streamed down my face. They were both out for the count. They reeked of booze and I felt sure nothing short of an earthquake would wake them.
“Gently, I lifted her arm, squirted the glue on Peter’s chest, then replaced the hand. I dropped the glue and, tears running down my face, edged down the stairs into the living room. Collapsing on the sofa, I felt completely empty inside. Peter and I had been married close to four years, and, after a miscarriage I had a few months before, I’d thought our marriage was strong. Now this.
“It was just getting light when a scream woke me. I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. I heard urgent hushed voices from upstairs. Peter and his bit-on-the-side had woken to find themselves glued together. I smiled bitterly – even though I had very little to smile about. Still in dreadful pain with my back, I went upstairs. To my appearance, the woman went to grab the fallen bed-cover, but her hand, stuck fast to Peter – ripped at his chest. They both yelped in agony. ‘You seem to have had an accident’, I said with as much dignity as I could muster. `I’m going to my mum’s, don’t be here when I get back.’
“Peter looked shame-faced and confused. His bit on the side – who could hardly have been 20 – looked furious. `You mad woman!’ she screamed as I left the room. When I got to my mum’s, I called work on my mobile and told them I’d be off for a couple of days because of my back. I didn’t mention my wrecked marriage. My mother was furious. She never really liked Peter as she thought he was irresponsible but in fairness to him, he’d never given any indication of straying before. But there he was, naked in our bed with another woman, so something must have led to that.
“When I eventually got home, Peter was in the living room, staring into space. `I had to phone a doctor friend to come and free us’, he moaned. `Which street corner did you pick your take away from?’ I taunted him. `I’m sorry’, he whined. `I was so drunk – we both were at the party – but nothing happened. We were both too drunk to do anything’. `So, if you’d not been so drunk something would have happened’ I blasted. `If I’d not been drunk, she’d never even have been here! I’m so sorry …’
But as far as I was concerned, my marriage was over. Who knows, if I’d had a child, I would have re-considered? But nothing would ever erase the sight of both of them in our bed enough for me to pretend it never happened. Peter cried and begged for me to reconsider, but I stuck to my guns …
Naughty, Naughty? (Humour)
A woman goes into labour at home and the paramedics rush to the scene. The woman’s three-year old daughter watches proceedings and soon a baby boy is born. A paramedic holds him up and taps his bottom till he cries. Then he asks the little girl what she thinks of her new brother.
“Well”, she replied, “he shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place. Smack his bottom once again!”
Too old for love? (Humour)
In the park one day, a wrinkly grey-haired man in his 70s approaches a beautiful twenty something girl and asks: “Where have you been all my life?” She takes one glance at him and draws:> “For the first two-thirds of it, I wasn’t even born!”