By Bunmi Sofola
Ike was feeling damned pleased with himself. As he parked the car, he whistled a cheerful tune, gathered the ‘treat’ he’d brought for his family and trotted to his flat.
Amidst squeals of welcome from his kids, he dolled out his presents; meat pies and doughnuts for the kids, a peppered quarter chicken for his wife, Remi and of course, the same piece of chicken for himself too. Remi sighed. She knew what would follow.
She would be expected to fry chips to go along with the ‘treats” so that she would spend less time on the family dinner. Her husband would then wash his chicken and chips down with a big bottle of stout and she would be expected to do the same with a small stout of her own.
The next stage would be the bedroom. Naturally, Ike would have had a shower and as soon as Remi got into bed he would pounce on her. “It is nice to feel wanted by your husband but sex should not be a routine”, Remi sighed. “Ike would deftly put out the light, reach for my nipples and kneed them in turn and expect me to be instantly aroused. But it is always irritating. I hate my nipples to be twiddled and if my husband wants sex, I want to be flattered by being asked.
“On days when I’m not in the mood and I tell him so, he looks so wounded that I feel guilty. Unfortunately, I seldom initiate sex. When I do, it is the same hasty preamble before he goes into the real thing. After doing it the predictable way all these years, sex with my husband has become a necessary evil. I have to grimace and bear it”.
Unfortunately, a lot of men believe that as long as you can make a go of love-making for say 10 to 15 minutes non-stop, you are a super stud. Recounting a recent experience where he met a married legal practitioner, at a seminar, Bernard, another lawyer who delivered a paper said: “Don’t let me bore you with details. The chemistry when we met, was right and we both found ourselves in bed in her hotel room on her own turf so to speak. She was the most liberated woman I’d ever seen. I switched off the bed side light so that only the TV light was on and we made what I thought was beautiful love”.
“You make love beautifully,” she said and I glowed only for her to crash my ego by adding “for yourself. Now make love for me”. I looked at her a bit puzzled. “You did not say a word about how beautiful you thought my body was or how tantalizing you found parts of my body. Do you read the Bible often? You’ve read the Songs of Solomon and the bit about `How beautiful are thy breasts, like twin doves?. If a man could be as romantic as that all those centuries back, then why are you making love mechanically? Is that how you make love to your wife?”
“Leave my wife out of this”, I spat at her. I was enraged. But she assured me she meant no harm. She was happily married to a sexually adventurous man but their works kept them apart for long periods and she was sure her husband too took his pleasures wherever and whenever he could find them. “And he doesn’t mind the possibility of your sleeping around”, I was a bit curious but she flared up: `So it is alright for him and not for me?
‘That’s what all husbands want to believe. Even so, I act with discretion and I have never endangered his good name. In public, I am a loving and devoted wife. Take the two of us as being together now, for instance. It is no more than a diversion as far as I am concerned. You live in Lagos, I am based in Benin, we might never meet again. So you’d better make the most of this opportunity so you could go back to your wife and show her what real love-making is all about. I mean if your performance now is what you’d been offering her all your married life, I bet she must be feeling sexually frustrated by now’.
“I was far from feeling humiliated. I wanted to learn if she was willing to teach me. For the remaining days of the conference, we were almost inseparable. Every time we tried anything new, I would think how my wife would feel if I tried it on her. The last night of the conference, on our way to the end of conference banquet, she dragged me to one of the hotel shops and asked me to buy a present for my wife. I looked around the shop, lost. The items were ridiculously expensive, I made to pick nice looking inexpensive scarf but she steered me away from that and picked a bottle of perfume that cost over N10,000. I looked alarmed but she said I should trust her, it would be worth it. Women like to be surprised by very feminine gifts. Our last night was a memorable experience and as she left my room, she said I shouldn’t bother to see her in the morning as her husband would be sending a driver. So that was it. But she was worth my meting her. To me, it was an honour.
“My wife’s eyes nearly dropped off when I gave her the present when I got back home. She thanked me with my favourite meal and when we got to be bedroom, I didn’t switch off the lights or anything of the sort. Of course, I wasn’t as crazy as to put her through all the things I had learnt about sex from my trip, but over the next few weeks I did. In the end, she told me she was sure I had a bit on the side when I went away for the conference but that she didn’t mind. It was a small price to pay for the sexual pleasures we now enjoy. A small miracle don’t you think? What married couples should realise, however, is that erotic life of people who have been married for years is bound to be a bit humdrum. “After all”, said a “Happily married” lady, “It’s been sealed off from outside influence for too long.
Sometimes, it seems to me that a long-standing sexual relationship becomes like a diplomatic treaty between two hostile countries, the boundaries get fought over and marked out – no French kissing in the morning, no nudity except in semi-darkness, no excessive fondling of breasts and once these terms have been laid down, it’s impossible to renegotiate them. At least, not without a violent struggle. Happily, a lot of couples make the effort of bringing romance back to their marriage; an almost impossible feat after the trauma of raising kids and holding down jobs. But if you don’t make time for love, come retirement age when you finally have time, the magic would have been long gone.
Love Conquers All!? (Humour)
One cold evening, an elderly couple wander into a fast-food restaurant. As the young families look on, the old gent walks up to the counter, orders a meal and then pays. Taking a seat next to his wife, he slowly unwraps the plain burger and cuts it into two – placing one half in front of his believed. Then he carefully divides the fries into two piles – one for him, one for her. As the man takes a few bites of hamburger, the crowd began O get restless – this is obviously a couple who’ve been together for decades, and all they can afford is a single meal.
Eventually, a young on-looker walks over and offers to buy another meal. “We’re just fine, thanks”, says the pensioner. “After 50 years, we’re used to sharing everything”. Then the young man notices that the little old lady hasn’t eaten a bit of her portion. Instead, while her husband wolfs down his half, she sits and occasionally sips the drink. “Ma’am, says the young chap. “Why aren’t you eating? Your husband says you share everything. What are you waiting for?” Over horn-rimmed glasses, she looks back at him. “The teeth”, she says.