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The need to stop equating sex with love

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By Bunmi Sofola

Some women’s sexual escapades often sound stranger than fiction. Why does a particular woman seek sex all of the time, with different men losing all sense of shame?  Abibat’s reason was because she thought she was fat and unattractive.

File: Sex

The only way she could have been interested in her was to spread her thighs at the drop of a hat! “Even as a teenager, boys never asked me out – or even talked to me.  I was 15 when I lost my virginity. I’d been so easy with the man next door who furtively asked me to get him a bottle of soft drink”, she explained.

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“When I took the drink to him, he asked me in and quickly shut the door.  He simply took me to the bedroom, groped me and we had sex.  All along, I thought that if I offered him see my boyfriend. After we had sex, he didn’t even look at me as he hustled me out of the house.  Then there was the secondary school teacher who often had sex with me in the classroom.

The more sex I had, the more dejected  I felt. Why was I doing it?  Because I felt that sex was the most my flabby body could offer a man.  It was sordid and degrading but I was desperate. Inevitably, I got pregnant at 19. The father, a 23 year old articled clerk hung around for a while then found another girl when our son was four months old.

“Inspite of that, my need for sex never went away. When I met Sesan, the man I eventually married, it was because he said he preferred his women fat and was in love with me. Did I love him? Who knows?  He loved me, that’s what mattered. I was happy with him for a while, especially since he was a good father to my son.  But I got a job as a junior clerk in a big firm and a whole shop of men became opened to me.

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The supervisor was the first. After office hours, with my bottom pressed against the cold filing cabinets, I let him have sex with me, and he was always grateful – letting me off early and writing glowing appraisals but I felt guilty for betraying my husband. But my guilt wasn’t strong enough to stop me.

“At the firm’s end-of-year party, one of the young officers danced with me as he inched me towards the toilets. I was very tipsy as he clamped his lips on mine, tongue rammed down my throat. I flirted back by parting my thighs. One of his hands started fumbling with my skirt and the other with his flies.  Then we were having sex, right there, as members of staff danced on the floor!  Months later, I found out I was pregnant. I was in panic.

My husband and I hadn’t made love in months.  So that night, I seduced him.  Then, a few weeks later, I broke the news that we were having a baby. He’d often hinted he would love us to have a baby as soon as possible.

“Adoring, gullible man, he swallowed it!  But he soon realised he was no the father when our daughter was born.  She didn’t look like either of us. I would have gotten away with it but for my reputation.  He had a show-down with me and I confessed. He beat the day-light out of me and I took it as the punishment I deserved. He then threw me out of our flat. After I found a room I could afford, I continued with my escapades. I was still fat, a mother of two without any partner helping, I relied heavily on gifts from my men. Most of the time, sex was in their cars or in grubby toilets in night clubs.  Once in a while, I even brought them to my pocky room. As the number of men I’d slept with grew, I became really depressed.  What kind of woman was I?  How could I produce something as beautiful as my children when I led such a sordid life?

“It was at this juncture that I decided to turn my life around. I gave my life a long once-over and I decided I needed to lose weight first. It wasn’t easy but I kept at it. I joined an exercise class in a stadium close to the house and was happy when the weights fell off. With the money I still had stashed away, I went to a computer c lass and got a good job as a receptionist.

“To celebrate, I combed all the `bend-down’ boutiques I knew and got myself very flattering clothes. So when men started complimenting my new look, I didn’t think they were laughing at the flabby men, my confidence was enjoying a great boost.

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But best of all, I didn’t have that craving for sex, that I needed to degrade myself for the thrills of getting a man. I learnt if a man admired me, I didn’t need to give him anything in return – just my bubbly personality.  By the time I met my current husband, I was a different woman entirely.

He was a widower and he knew of my two children.  And for the first time in my life, I didn’t spread my legs to keep him. We started meeting as just friends as I realised my bed hoping hopping days were over. I’d transformed myself, weaned myself off sordid, meaningless sex and discovered the person I wanted to be. I didn’t need men to love me. Now that I was slimmer, I could love myself.

“When my ex-husband learnt of the new one, he was very bitter and accused me of using him.  I had to explain to him the demon I was living with, that I could scarcely be called a wife when I was married to him. I apologised for hurting him but I had to move on.  Thank God my second marriage is all I’d prayed for and more. We live in a decent flat with my two children and the two others I had with my husband.

I’m certainly not proud of my past.  There are days when I think back to the person I was, those awful encounters with these faceless men, and the tears flow.  But for the sake of my kids, husband – and mos of all me, I’m going to keep looking to the future.  I’m making the most of every second of my new life …”

Problems At Work Should Stay In The Office

Being stressed all day at work is bad enough, but when work worries start affecting your private life, it is time to take control, says experts.

If you are irritable, unsociable or impatient after a hard day, it is time to switch off and consciously move into ‘home-time’. Try exercise, deep breathing, treading or gardening to take your mind off work.

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If you’re awake all night, then exhausted all day, even weekends are no fun.  If you can’t sleep, get up and read or watch TV. A least you’ll be relaxed. Exercise will give you more energy and make it easier to sleep.

If your friends groan any time you mention the boss, you’re obsessing about work. If you’ve got to let off steam, allow yourself five minutes, then change the subject.

Do you seem to come down with every bug going?  Instead of resorting to junk food after a hard day, try to eat plenty of fruits and vegetables instead. The vitamin will boost your immune system, giving you more energy.

Volunteer work is incredibly satisfying and takes more attention away from your own problems.  As you make friends and help others, your work worries will seem less important.

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If you’re neglecting your diet, health and relationship, change your habits. Remember we work to live, not live to work.  Your evenings and weekends are just as important as your work days.

Treat yourself to fun, relaxation and time with friends and lovers; soon stress will stay in the work place, where it belongs.

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