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My ex’s heartlessness has turned me into Mr. Nasty

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Dear Bunmi,

Why are some women so nasty and ungrateful? I was engaged to a girl I thought was my soul mate. She was my childhood sweetheart and I thought we’d be together for life. I worshipped her and did extra work to buy her the things she wanted. After we got engaged, I went into business to earn more money because I wanted us to start building on the plot of land an uncle gave me. Maybe I was too much engrossed in the future as she was always complaining I was not much fun again.

We were invited to a close friend’s stag night, but I was so busy I allowed her to go with her friends. As luck would have it, I finished earlier than I thought and went to join her at the party. She was obviously drunk by the time I got there and was dancing provocatively with a total stranger, who clamped his hands around her boobs! She was not protesting in the least and when she saw me, she simply carried on with what she was doing. I was so angry I yanked her off the floor but she refused to come home with me.

When she showed up at the flat we shared the following morning, I was enraged, especially when she showed no remorse. We had a blazing row and she screamed at me that she’d been seeing other men since I was never around to give her a good time. She also said some horrible things about what a lousy lover I was until I went mad. I beat her up before throwing her and her things out in the street.

Since that happened close to a year ago, I’ve had no shortage of girlfriends but as soon as they start to get serious, I push them away and try to hurt them like my ex hurt me. My last girlfriend caught me in bed with two adventurous undergraduates I picked up at a party and the look on her face made me realise I’d turned into a cad, and I don’t like it. I have just started seeing someone else and I know I’ll end up hurting her too. I want to be happy with someone but can’t forget my ex’s heartlessness. How can I stop being Mr. Nasty and move on with my life?

Peter, by e-mail.


Dear Peter,

I doubt if you can move on until you decide once and for all to let go of your ex and the hurt she caused you. You’re taking out the anger you feel on girls you meet even though none of this is their fault. You fear commitment because you’re scared of getting hurt again but, although rejection hurts, it is part of life and you must learn to deal with it.

Stop trying to cling to what you had and let the past go. For the time being, stop having any form of relationship and purge yourself of the bitterness of the past. Don’t tar other girls with the same brush as your ex’s. In time I assure you, you should be able to look forward with optimism to a meaningful relationship.

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