I’ve just been abandoned by my husband of 22 years. He got a better job early last year but in another city. As a result, he rented a one-room apartment and I stayed in the family house with our two daughters.
At first, he came home every last weekend of the month until he didn’t bother to visit at all. It was then I discovered he’d taken most of his good clothes. I was so shocked that I managed to talk to his boss at work. He’d lied that he lost his mobile phone and wasn’t keen on getting another one.
It was his boss who gave me the number of his new mobile.
Suspecting he was up to no good, I called him from a business centre and he was annoyed I was given his number. He said he didn’t get in touch because he was fed up with our constant quarrels. When I asked him when he was to be expected, he said I should forget the marriage.
One of our girls is doing her youth service and the other one is training as a nurse.
I later found out he was staying with a woman who was expecting his baby. I’m really bewildered by all this.
He’s nearing 50 and I am 46. I honestly don’t know what’s come over him. He used to be a caring father and I thought we’d settled into a comfortable marriage.
He’s certainly changed and I haven’t set eyes on him since the day he callously ended our marriage on the phone. He doesn’t want me phoning or texting him and he said we’re welcome to the family house.
His father treated his mother the same way, so maybe it runs in the family.
Dayo, by e-mail.
Your husband might be recreating the shocking feeling of abandonment he sensed when his father left his mum, but this time, with you on the receiving end. It’s often believed that we feel an impulse to give to others and even to those we love, the anguish that we once knew ourselves.
Because he felt punished then, your husband feels an urge to punish you now. Instead of searching for clues to your man’s behaviour, you need to confront the reason for the breakdown in your marriage, no matter how scary those may be.
You need to put an end to this nonsense of your husband refusing to discuss your marriage. Show him how distressed and angry you are and how he’d made your children feel abandoned.
Thank goodness your children are adults. So you get the house, that’s payment for his conscience.
Now he’s found another woman, it’s unlikely you are able to renew your commitment to this marriage – it has already died. But its death needs to leave you a bit of dignity.
Life after marriage is never bleak, it’s all up to your determination to move on with your life.