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In my 30s and crave proper sex

Dear Bunmi,

I know it sounds strange that at this time and age, there could be a virgin in her thirties but that’s exactly what I am. I’m currently dating a man that’s a few years older than I  and it will be a matter of weeks for sex to be on the cards.

In the meantime, we send each other steamy text messages on what we’d like to do to each other and we’ve even had oral sex.

I’m however nervous about full penetration. I once tried sex with a previous boyfriend but he had trouble entering me as I wasn’t fully relaxed or aroused. I am worried the same thing would happen with the new man.

Please help!


by e-mail.

Dear Kehinde,

The most important advice is to take this new relationship slowly. For you to be completely relaxed you need to trust and strike a rapport with this boyfriend. You don’t have to go straight for penetration, but get comfortable with intimate foreplay like oral sex and close body contact before taking the plunge. Worries about sex and penetration can make it difficult for your body to perform.

According to sexologists, if the mind is occupied with them, the muscles of the vagina go into spasms when penetration is attempted. It is as though your body is protecting you. This is called vaginismus. You need to retrain your vagina muscles to relax if this seems to be your problem. A professional could put you through the routine.

But if you think your worries are down to nerves, try to relax and maybe use a sex toy privately before you sleep with him. This way, you’ll be able to chase away any fear of pain before you get together.

Finally, if you trust your man, you need to tell him about your fear. Sharing your concern will ease your nerves and you can gently build your new sex life together.

Good luck.



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