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What sexy nighties can do for couples in ‘the other room’

Salt-N-Pepa— the 1980’s American Rhythm & Blues Hip Hop/rap trio of young, eye-catching ladies entered the music industry at a time when hip hop music was believed to be a fad and major record companies were reluctant to sign hip hop artists.

•Mrs Tola Ajayi, Relationship & Sex Therapist

But Salt-N-Pepa, changed the outlook of hip hop. Scantily clad in sexy clothing, the group was not afraid to talk about sex and thoughts about men. The raunchy lyrics of their 1990 hit —”Let’s Talk About Sex” put the issue of sex in the spotlight like never before.

“Let’s talk about sex, baby, let’s talk about you and me; Let’s tell it how it is, and how it could be; How it was, and of course, how it should be; Those who think it’s dirty have a choice; let’s talk about sex….”

Why do we have sex?

Answers to this question are as varied as the sexual positions imaginable. Most of the time what we have at the back of our minds about sex is that it is meant to procreate (have children), but this is so wrong. One undeniable fact is that humans do not engage in sex only to have children.

In the other room
Research shows that when people talk about sex, they are talking about a lot more than making babies. Sex is for stress relief, exploration, increase of social status, business, etc.
Hey, married couples, want to spice up your marriage? Want to rekindle the fire? Then spice it up in the other room(s). If you want to know how to have good a good marriage, start with good sexual relationship.

This was pretty much the message recently, when Nordica Fertility Centre, Lagos, held a talk show entitled: “Sex and Infertility.” Guests were cautioned beforehand not to take children along because it was a forum strictly for adults. It was a couples’ affair.

Several married men and women attended without their spouses, but it was those that were with their spouses that benefited most. A number of couples going through challenge of infertility were also present. It was a no-holds-barred expose on sexual discourse. Participants received a comprehensive guide to sexual response they wouldn’t forget in a hurry.
In her capacity as the Clinic Manager of Nordica, Lagos, the Guest Speaker at the forum, Mrs. Tola Ajayi, sees a lot of couples challenged by infertility who come to the clinic with sexual problems in their relationship. “There are negative feelings about bodies, especially after an infertility diagnosis and avoidance of sex and intimacy becomes the norm, usually out of fear of feelings of disappointment and failure.

Sex talk
While her experience as a trained fertility counselor usually helps to manage the couples’ primary issue of infertility, Ajayi often has to rely on her expertise as a Relationship and Sex Therapist to deal with the various stories the couples tell her about their sexual difficulties.

She remarked: “Complaints range from partial or complete loss or lack of interest in sex, except when there is certainty of the likelihood to conceive. Quite often, there are instances in which one partner wants more sex but the other doesn’t.

Ajayi notes that part of the problem is that even though so many couples have sex, several don’t talk about sex.

“In Nigeria it is almost taboo to talk about sex. We know that there are issues with sex. People do not talk about it even when there are problems with sexual activities that need help.

However, in order for us to be able to have a good marriage, sex is very important. If people are not talking about sex there is no way there can be a good relationship in marriage. Sex is important; therefore we must talk about sex.

Sex should be enjoyed, not endured
“Sex is normal, it is a natural instinct, and it is acceptable. The Bible accepts it, and society accepts it. We are talking about sex between husband are wife. If we do not talk about sex, we will die in problems. Reason is that there will be relationship issues. Sex should be enjoyed and not endured. There are many sex problems and talking about them helps. It helps to remove the taboos and every couple benefits whether fertility challenged or not. Do whatever is acceptable to you as a couple. If you need a sex toy to overcome the sexual problem, go ahead. We all have sex issues at one point or the other. How do we manage such problems? If there is need for a sex talk, then you need the sex talk. It is not injurious.”

While sexual problems can affect any couple, the sex therapist observes that women going through infertility treatment often have higher risk for sexual dysfunction than others.
Ayo, one of the participants complained: “My wife goes to bed wearing her wrapper and I find it disgusting and a turn-off. I prefer she wore a nightgown. I even bought her a sexy nightie but she has refused to wear it.

Going commando
Felicia, another participant, remarked: “Most of the time, I sleep in the nude because it’s more comfortable, but I do so especially because that is how my husband likes me to sleep. It is romantic and actually facilitates body contact.”
But for Juliana, after trying for pregnancy without success for more than three years of marriage, she has practically lost interest in sex. Juliana doesn’t want to have sex again, but her spouse, Adam, still wants to have sex. So they have a problem.

For spouses of men like Ayo, the sex therapist has one message: Don’t tie wrapper to bed, go commando or wear a sexy nightie. It’s to your advantage and for the sake of your marital relationship.

To Juliana and other women, she points out that even infertility should not be a hindrance to healthy sex life between married couples.

Sex and infertility
“In the course of managing infertility, we have come to see a lot of problems associated with sex. For instance there have been instances when a husband and wife are seated before you and there are questions about how many times they have intercourse in a week and they are looking at one another, then you know there is a problem.
“Sometimes you see some young couples not having sex again. Why? We want them to realise that with or without children you still have one another. If you have children they will grow up and leave the house and it will be the two of you left. So what is going to happen to your life if you are not working on it now?”

Great sex, recipe for a great marriage
Ajayi believes that sex is vitally important and one of the commandments of a happy marriage. “Good sex deepens your relationship as man and wife. It creates passion and a unique connection. Not only is sex important in marriage, it requires a deeper level of communication with which couples can talk to each other about intimate, emotional things.
“Instead of arguing about sex and creating more distance, you should be talking and communicating about sex. A recipe for great sex is works for a great marriage as well.”
The bottom line is this: Sex is an emotional need, a spiritual need and a relational need. Husbands and wives should not just talk about sex, they should be sexually connected. Whether we like it or not, we are sexual beings and sex plays an important role in our lives.”


Disclaimer

Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.