‘The cliché of the frigid wife who doesn’t want sex has been replaced by a new reality: Women who are married or in a committed relationship want to be having more sex”, so observed Philip, a sexologist at a recent workshop on how married couples could improve their love life. Sometimes the issue is simply about intercourse – they’re not getting enough, or what they\’re getting just isn’t that good.
But in my experience, when women say they want more sex,often it goes beyond the physical aspects of a relationship to include a wish for more support, intimacy, tenderness, sensitivity, and acceptance. You want to know that your husband considers you a sexually desirable 2woman, and many of you just aren’t feeling that”.
A few years ago, a Newsweek cover story spoke of rising numbers of married women, dissatisfied at home, who are seeking what they need from men other than their husbands. These women defended their behaviour, saying that they deserve to have a more fulfilling sex life. As convincing as they might try to sound, the argument is that they can get it from their partners. Bringing passion back into your relationship is not solely up to you. But since the only person you control is you, it’s a good place to start. Philip continues: “Is it fair for you to be the only doing the work? Probably, not. Is figuring out what you can do differently the most efficient way to get what you’re looking for? Absolutely. It is not about a quick fix – it’s about taking an honest look at yourself, getting in stride with your partner, and together making a plan to break out of a rut and turn up the heat”.
Easier said than done? You need to start somewhere and the fact remains that if you want to see your sex life improve, start by diagnosing the problem. Examine your life: Are you so busy that it’s impossible for the two of you to be sexually intimate on a regular basis? Have you gotten out of the habit because sex is now incompatible with all your other obligations? Days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months, and before you know it you can’t remember that least time yo made love. According to Philip, ‘sex is a pattern, and unless it happens on an ongoing basis, other things will crowd it out. Use it or lose it. Try to trace the pattern back in time and figure out how sex got moved down the priority list. Was it when you started having kids? One of the biggest mistakes that couples make is that they stop being friends and lovers because they’ve become moms and dads. It’s a mental shift; all of a sudden, being a romantic partner is no longer important. It’s like we decided: ‘Adolescence is over, I’m a mother or a father now, and I have to act like one’.
“Add to that the time and energy required in raising children, and sexually, the cards are stacked against you. But being a parent is just one of the roles we play, and neglecting the role of partner and lover is a huge error. Now ask yourself, `what might I be doing – or not doing – to contribute to the situation? And what can I do to change things?’ Back when there was passion in your relationship, were you taking more pride in the way you looked? For better or worse, men are responsible to visual stimulation. You can’t be oblivious to that fact. You may need to make small changes in your appearance, like getting rid of old boubous, going to the hair dresser’s more often or losing the weight you’ve been complaining about for years. None of this is to say that his worn-out danshiki and protruding gut are a turn-on’.
“It’s important you decide within yourself that you’re making the most of who you are and what yo have to offer. Say to yourself, `I’m not just a mommy, I’m a hot number’, and then act it”. This might explain why Theresa, an advertising manager who’d finally shifted a lot of weight since she had her three ids wanted to surprise her husband. She explained that at the office, one of her friends had told her a daring move she made on her husband and paid of. “With my heart in my mouth, I decided to put her advise into action. After I’d fed my husband one of his favourite meals, I sat next to the TV as he settled down to watch a sporting programme. I had nothing underneath the boubou I careless threw on”, she explained.
“Without warning, I threw a leg carelessly on one arm on the chair I was sitting, giving him a clear view of what I had to offer. He was startled to start with. He tried to get his attention back to on the box but failed woefully. Grunting like an animal, he swiftly crossed over to where I sat and sank h is head between my legs. The rest, so to speak is left to the imagination! I was glad it paid off. What if he’d told me off for trying to behave like a trollop!?”
Whatever works for you, don’t forget to replicate it. Give yourself permission to get what you want. Claim your right, and give a voice to your needs. Being sexually satisfied and feeling wanted by your partner are legitimate and healthy parts of a relationship.