Women have been known to be the worst kind of blabbermouths – they tell each other everything and anything. “But to the point of discussing intimate bedroom secrets of their partners?” gawked Desmond when I reminded him of this fact. Married for 16 years, he’d a bit of a misunderstanding with his wife. Again! Was he doing something wrong? Did Labo, his wife’s best friend have an insight into what his wife believe he should be doing? Taking courage in his hands, he recently had a word with Labo. As their little `talk’ progressed, he squirmed as Labo processed to confide in him some of the things that were bugging her friend.
“Now we’re being honest about problems in your marriage”, Labo whispered conspiratorially so her husband wouldn’t hear, “Dedun (Desmond’s wife) always gets apprehensive when you have sex. She says you go on and on to the point of making the whole thing look tedious. “I was shocked and annoyed”, Desmond said. “Most of the time when we made love, I sort of held back so she could reach a climax. Not knowing I was irritating her. Why couldn’t she tell me? What other intimate secrets has she shared with this so-called best friend of hers? I know Dedun is an incurable gossip, and I’ve had ear full of some of the shenanigans her friends and their husbands were up to. But to actually table my sexual prowess in front of her friend? I was really furious and took it up with her as soon as I got home.
“She actually laughed when I broached the subject. She said I was being silly that all women talk about sex, with their friends. Up to the intimate details of their sex lives? What was there not to talk about?, she asked. What I would really want to find out is if it’s true that women are shameless gossips. If they are as my wife alleged, how do I get her to stop?” Poor, poor Desmond! He’d just admitted his wife was a gossip who blabbed about everyone’s business, she’d even entertained him with some of her friends’ escapades. So, why was he so surprised she’s blabbing about his secrets as well?
Smutty tit-bits always oil the gossip machinery. Just as a person who bitches about others will bitch about you to others, someone who spills others’ secrets will invariably reveal yours. Would Desmond hit the roof if he found out that his wife had talked about the rest of their life together, without the sex? Or is it just sex that’s off limits? The fact is, not all women discuss their sex lives with their friends but a lot do – and usually in a lot more details than men. All men often do is boast about conquests, how often or where and how they did it, but it’s women who go into the nitty gritty detail, giving a blow-by-blow description of the session. It’s not just gossip, but to seek reassurance that what they’re getting up to is “normal”, or to ask advice or how to fix any problems.
I told Desmond that if he thought his wife was boasting about whet a super stud he was, he wouldn’t be so outraged, or was Dedun talking about other problems she was having in her marriage or other sexual issues that could be really sensitive? A man would naturally be upset if that’s the case. Gossiping is fun but spilling sexual secrets is disloyal, leaving partners embarrassed and exposed.
Dialogue is the best weapon here. While Desmond can’t stop his wife talking behind his back, he should let her know he finds the idea disrespectful and hurtful. Knowing everything he does will be reported back to her ‘gang’ might stop him from wanting to have sex with her at all and this could be detrimental to their marriage if it continues. Some gossip is harmless but a lot of it isn’t, it hurts people.