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If you Villa-bomb us, we assa-Senate you!

VILLA- BOMBERS:  We really don’t understand you fellow shareholders, including those of you in hallowed chambers. Contrary to your insinuations, we are no  rivals, hatchet-men or attack dogs.

We are actually Siamese twins doing the same different duties of media publicity on public affairs for our beloved CEO of this great multi-national oil company.

Assa-Senators:  Whether you are rivals, attack dogs or defence bulls  make no matter to us. Just make sure you direct your machetes and venoms at those troublesome  noise makers and not this hallowed chamber, or else  you will find us   too hot to handle. In any case, you two are no match for us.

V-B: Ah, there you goof! We are actually a set of quadruplets  made up of two sets of Siamese twins. With the other pair who provides guard services on information and political matters to the CEO, we form a  formidable quartet. Oh, here they come!

A-S: You quartet look so militant. Are you sure you guys have the blessing of the CEO? Remember, the CEO is not a bully, neither is he a lion nor a Pharaoh and …

V-B: Hold it! How dare you? Do you know the CEO better than us? So, because he refuses to be Pharaoh, you believe you can intimidate him with those mere  resolutions  stenching from that mere chamber of yours?

A-S: Chi-ne-ke-me-e! You have the effrontery to describe the resolutions the shareholders pay us so heavily to  make  as mere resolutions? Have you forgotten  we can  make  life  miserable for you in that mere Villa with just one resolution?

V-B: Ah, ah, distinguished men of timber and calibre, respectable men and women of Iroko and Mahogany, have you  no sense of humour? That was meant to be a mere joke!

A-S: What an expensive joke! Well, be informed that two can play at that game. You shall hear from us when the CEO visits with those mere  estimates in what you call the 2013 menu list.

V-B: There you go again, so full of yourselves! For every little issue, you go to town with your characteristic unnecessary grandstanding and playing to the gallery.

A-S: You guys are too sharp-mouthed! As you rightly observed, we are men and women of timber and calibre here. So we would rather grandstand than stand as mere rubber stamps. Furthermore, the gallery in our chamber is not for decoration but for the shareholders to watch while we take you to the cleaners. So what’s wrong in playing to it?

V-B: You see what we mean? You don’t even understand  simple idiom! Not surprising though, a good number of you are illiterates!

A-S: You called us  illiterates?

V-B: No, you said you were, yourselves! A leader of yours so confessed, publicly!

A-S: Come again!

V-B: Okay, we challenge you individually to write your names.

A-S: You just wait! We shall not only write our names, but we shall also re-write those mere estimates which we are aware you are only labouring to intimidate us to rubber-stamp.

V-B: There you go again with your usual pass time of grandstanding!

A-S: You ain’t seen nothing yet! We shall also go ahead to mark out and bench your benchmark with our Marksman!

V-B: Mark you, our benchmark of 75 American Cowries  in the  menu list is  sacrosanct. Even the company accountant and the central auditor have endorsed it.

A-S: You are all members of Baba Suwe  group of jesters! You think we are so cheap here? On 80 American Cowries we stand.

V-B: What arrogance! So you believe you know more economics than the combination of the company accountant and the central auditor? Even fellow multi-national oil companies like Algeria Petroleum, Qatar Petro-Chemical, Saudi Oil Resources, Venezuela Oil Company, Angola Petroleum and Kuwait Energy Resources have benchmarks of less American Cowries.

A-S: Okay, 78 American Cowries; take it or leave it! By the way, you haven’t shown us the performance certificate on the 2012 mere estimates.

V-B: Performance certificate? You see who really are jesters now?

A-S: Don’t divert attention; let’s see your performance certificate.

V-B: Walahi, talahi, this is now pure drama!

A-S: Exactly! The drama of ignorance! It is apparent that you are only barking at areas which you are totally ignorant about.

V-B: What pot calling the kettle black! Illiterates talking about ignorance!

A-S: You only give yourselves away as over-zealous  body guards doing a hatchet job in order to capture relevance in the scheme of things.

V-B: Just as you are no more than over-ambitious gun-jumpers using your selfish ambitions to undermine company issues. We see 2015 clearly in all this gra-gra.

A-S: Clearly? It is much clearer you guys are nothing but fifth columnists  in the CEO’s team. We are sorry for him.

V-B: We are also sorry for you as you revel in your Project 2015 Waterloo! We can only pity you day-dreamers!

A-S: You nko? All company shareholders are aware of your underground 2015 manouvres.

V-B: You lie! The CEO just denied any knowledge about 2015 manouvres. He would talk about 2015 in 2014.

A-S: Just as our Marksman shouted on the rooftop that 2015  is  neither on his compass   nor on his radar. The only thing on the radar now is your imminent off-loading.

V-B: There you goof again!

A-S: Surely, you guys still live in the old world when the CEO played barefoot with no pair of boots. With just one of the many pairs he now owns, he kicks you out. You are all goners!

V-B: You want to place a bet?

A-S: We shall see!

Mr. DELE AKINOLA, a public affairs commentator, wrote from Lagos


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