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He’s itching to see his old flame again!

Dear Bunmi,

When I first met my boyfriend, he talked all the time about an old flame of his who has now contacted him on facebook. We met four years ago and they had dated in their undergraduate days – over ten years ago – but I think it was the most serious relationship he’d ever had and when she dumped him, he was devastated. I asked him if he still had feelings for her and he admitted she was “unfinished business” but assured me I had nothing to worry about because she was married with kids.

He recently told me he’s going to a university reunion and there was no mention I could come too. I asked if his ex would be going and he said she was. When I questioned him further, it turned out she contacted him on Facebook about the event and she’s no longer married. The thought of him seeing her again is freaking me out. He’s told me he loves me and has no intention of running off with her but I’m really freaking out!

Joanne,
By E-mail

Dear Joanne,
As much as I sympathise with you but I’d be freaking out too! You shouldn’t feel bad for feeling jealous. You’d be a bit odd. There is inherent danger and you’re right to be alert. Forget your going though – no one takes their partners to re-unions.

The whole point of going to one is to convince your old mate you have the perfect life and there’s nothing like a partner to ruin it all by portraying you as a near-failure! Letting him go alone also gives him a chance to confront this fan tasty ex, and get a bit of a reality check. And the more time they spend chatting, the better because the chances of her measuring up to his idealized memories are very, very slim. The reality of a divorced mother with kids is very different from the warm and fuzzy recollections of a university student.
For all you know, he could be probably drunk most of the time they were an item. Even if she hasn’t changed a great deal, he has .

Then you have to trust in his commitment to you (and keep your eyes opened for any clues something dodgy is going on). If he wants to make contact, ask to meet her. Not only does this let her know you’re on the scene you can check out their body language. It’s also reasonable to ask him to call you for a few minutes, chat during the evening, I have a feeling things will play in your favour. The ghosts of girlfriends’ past are usually harder to compete with than the reality of them in here and now.

I want more than a fling

Dear Bunmi,
I’m currently dating a
great guy who I care· for very much. When we first got together, we both agreed it wouldn’t be a serious relationship though we agreed to sex. Now that I’ve got to know him better, I realize he’s the sort of guy I would love to have meaningful relationship with. Do you think I should ask that we take the relationship further?
Fran,
By E-mail

Dear Fran,
It’s tricky to start off a ‘no strings attached’ relationship, and then fall in love. You need to be honest with yourself as things are now because the more you pretend you don’t care, the greater the problems will be. Be honest with your boyfriend too – it’s unfair to keep him in the dark then give him time. He may start to love you too as mutual passion brings you closer together. After a trial period, say three months, and your love isn’t returned, you need to walk away. Only, don’t blame your partner if he doesn’t feel the same way – he never said he would!
Don’t blame yourself either. Sex creates closeness, so its not surprising you got involved. Don’t pressure, blackmail or get pregnant to trap him. These things often create bad feelings – they won’t make him love you. If and when you split, don’t rush into another relationship in a desperate attempt to prove someone can love you.

I’m his boss but I fancy him

Dear Bunmi,
I am a General Manager in a manufacturing company. Recently, a very handsome man joined the company from a rival company. He is married and I am separated with three children.

This new bloke works directly under me as a full manager. We have a fairly good rapport and we even eat lunch together at times. I have met his wife and she is quite respectful to me.

Lately, he’s starting to be more bold towards me and it is a matter of time before he makes a pass. I would be more than willing if this eventually happened But should I get sexually involved with someone under my control?

Latifat,
By E-mail

Dear Latifat,

Looks as if you’re living a bit on the edge to me! Some companies actually frown at office affairs as co-workers are likely to complain about a negative impact on morale when a relationship is between boss and subordinate. And if the relationship should end, your staff could easily accuse you of sexual harassment when he is given unfavorable assessment because of your perceived hard feelings.
Even if the relationship thrives, co-workers might question your orders in a way they never did before. As good as this apple looks, it is absolutely forbidden!


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