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She wants more sex even after having kids

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By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been married to my wife for over six years now and we have two lovely children. My problem is her insatiable appetite for sex. My wife wants sex – and everyday.

The fact that she has kids hasn’t slowed her down and at times, whenever we made love and she doesn’t reach orgasm, she would reach for her vibrator.

I’ve protested that I found her behaviour with the vibrator disgusting, so she takes it to the bathroom. She said it is better than being unfaithful to me, but I wonder if she wouldn’t be unfaithful given half a chance?
By e-mail

Dear Louise,
You find your wife’s use of the vibrator distasteful because you think you’re not satisfying her sexually, but believe me, sex drives differ. Your wife enjoys sex and there is nothing you can do about that apart from playing your part, which you have done. Since your best is not obyiously good enough for her and she has found an alternative that is no threat to the marriage, I think you should leave her alone.

You’ll be surprised how wide-spread the use of vibrators are these days amongst married couples. Why don’t you ask her to include you in her sexual fantasy – you might just find it fascinating. So, next time she reaches for her vibrator, give her a helping hand!

Pregnant for my possessive lover

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend of four years is so possessive and jealous that I sometimes fear for my life. He thinks I’m having an affair if I just pop out to the market or if I stop to talk to a man- any man. I’ve left a few times only for us to make up again.

Now I’ve just found out I’m expecting a child for him and he’s ecstatic. Only, he’s got even more of a hold on me now. He watches me like a hawk and could be verbally abusive.

He doesn’t look like a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I don’t want an abortion. Please help.
By e-mail

Dear Nike,
Do you want your baby to be brought up in an abusive environment? Be firm with your man that you’re not putting up with his jealous and possessive behavior any longer – and if he carries on, walk out or enlist the help of people who can talk to him.

The problem with excessively jealous people is that they can’t change. Even when they’re with the ugliest partners, they still accuse them of two-timing. Life is too short to spend your life dodging the blows of a partner with a problem. Think before you leap should be your watchword here.

I find my son repulsive

Dear Bunmi,
I am a single mother of two and my eldest son is driving me crazy. He is in his late twenties, a university drop-out and a drug addict. He has sold everything valuable that’s not nailed down in the house.

He is abusive, eats any food without consideration for the rest of the family and brings in girls to sleep over for days.

Recently, he took my car without telling me. I thought the car was stolen and had contacted the police only for some men to come to see me with regards to papers to the car they wanted to buy off me. Yes, my son had taken the car to them, collected a down payment and promised to bring the relevant papers so he could collect the balance. I was shocked and heart-broken.

I don’t love my son any more; in fact, I want him out of my life. But I fear he could be really violent if I  try to evict him. What do I do?
By e-mail

Dear Helen,
Your legal responsibility towards your son stopped when he was twenty-one. Though looking after him after this age, is an obligation, it is not as of a right. The earlier you kicked him out, the more semblance of a normal life you would have with your other child. If you fear for your life, then seek the assistance of the Police. If he realises you’re no longer his puppet, he might just sit up.

Could I be the father?

Dear Bunmi,
I was my friend’s best man when he got married some years back and I have since got married too. The four of us are good family friends but I’d been secretly in love with my friend’s wife even before they got married.

Last year, she came to my office to ask me to assist in paying the school fees of her two children. I was about to have lunch then and asked her to join me. As she dished the food, I playfully slapped her back-side and she said nothing. In seconds, we were kissing passionately and the food was forgotten as we hurriedly made love and now she is pregnant with her third child. Apart from that first time we’ve had sex a few times and I always help, financially.

She said she wasn’t sure who of us is the father. That in the event that she has the child, it would be her husband’s even if the child looks like me. My own children take after me and if this child were mine, I would know from its resemblance of me. I wouldn’t want another man to raise my child. What should I do in the event that the child turns out to be mine?
By e-mail.

Dear George,
You are worrying yourself for nothing. It is bad enough that you’re being unfaithful with your friend’s wife without you wanting to completely break his home with a fear that is unfounded.

A child usually looks like whom you fantasise it to look like. Your lover has already told you what she intends to do with her child and I would respect her wish if I were you. Have you thought of how your wife would feel about all this if she finds out?

In the meantime, think seriously of ending this relationship as you might burn your fingers if you don’t, and your friend finds out.

She seduced my husband

Dear Bunmi,
When a junior colleague was having personal problems, especially with her landlord, I let her move in with me and my husband. She’s young enough to be our daughter and I enjoyed her company. It was to be a temporary solution until she found alternative accommodation.

Unfortunately, I’ve just discovered she’s been sleeping with my husband even after she moved out. I’m devastated, I feel like such an old fool!
By e-mail

Dear Tessy,
I’m sorry this has happened to you – it will take a long, long time for you to recover from this double betrayal. I’ve never been one for rushing in fancy-free women into your home with an able-bodied husband around, no matter how sorry you feel for her.

But never think of yourself as a fool. You’re a kind, generous, warm-hearted woman who should deserve admiration and respect. It’s your husband and your so-called friend who are the fools – for betraying you.

The only regret here is that you brought both of them together. You need to move on with your life and discuss how hurt you feel with your husband, and how you can repair the trust in your marriage.

My boyfriend is a leach!

Dear Bunmi,
I have been with my boyfriend for over three years now and we have been living together for the past one year. I love him a lot and we intend to get married as soon as I am pregnant but inspite of my doctor telling me I am all right, nothing has happened. My boyfriend refused to subject himself to medical tests because he said he has fathered a child once.

Unfortunately, there is no evidence that he is thinking of the future. He spends money recklessly and borrows from me without paying me back. Any time I refuse to give him money, he starves me of sex.
By e-mail

Dear Rebecca,
Your boyfriend seems to have all he wants from life. If you want more, you have to make alternative plans. A man you’ve been with for three years refused to cooperate with you in your effort to make a baby, instead he spends your money freely and starves you of sex yet you see a dim future?

I see no future here and you had better start thinking of what next to do before your biological clock ticks over. You might be in love with him but is he in love with you? For now, I suggest you look for alternative accommodation with your options open.

Explore the possibility of finding a partner who shares the same dreams as you. Who knows, your man might even sit up when he realizes you’ve stopped being a door-mat.

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