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Should I tell these men all I want is sex?

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I have made huge progress in my career and, at just approaching 30, I’m happy with my success. For now, I’m not interested in a full-time relationship because I don’t have the time to commit to it because of my work-load, and I don’t think it woul be fair on the other person if I’m working all the time. For me, it has to be my career first and relationship later.

Only, I’m well aware of the saying that “body no be wood”. I am human and need sex and companionship from time to time. My question is – do I tell my potential lovers that I’m only interested in a short – term thing? I don’t want to lead anyone on or hurt them.
By E-mail

Dear Jola,
You should be commended for your desire to be completely honest and for your unique approach to love. Theoretically, you’ve got your life sorted out without giving serious thoughts to emotions. Some of the men you will meet during your self – imposed relationship hiatus will fall into your plan to have a fling for as long as it lasts.

With them, all you need do is let them know that your work comes first but you’re not aversed to having fun. You don’t hit them with this fact as soon as you meet them. First slip in the fact  you’re not  the marrying kind, for now, then proceed from there.

Only, you’re bound to meet other men you could have a future with; simply talk to such men about how ambitious you are. Then it would be up to them, if they could put up with being second place and working around your schedule until you feel ready to commit.

But be ready for the possibility of meeting someone you fall in love with. In which case, you. might find time to commit to both man and job. It’s great that you’re ambitious and worried about people, but try not to be so rigid that you miss out in something wonderful.

Why am I losing my pubic hair?

Dear Bunmi,
I’m just over 50 and have just gone through the menopause. It was during the process that I noticed my public hair thinning. What do you think is responsible for this? Should I be worried?
By E-mail

Dear Basirat,
It is not uncommon to lose pubic hair after ihe menopause. You would also have noticed some thinning in your scalp hair. It would be worth having blood tests, however, to rule out other causes of hair loss such as thyroid disease or iron deficiency, especially if you’re losing a lot of hair in other areas such as your scalp or eyebrows.

Can I steal him from his girl?

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve fallen in love with an older undergraduate in my university. We meet from time to time but always in the midst of people and he is friendly. He hasn’t really said he loves me or asked me out.

A girlfriend said he’s confided in her that he fancies me but couldn’t do anything about it as he has a steady girlfriend. Should I make a play for him and try to steal him from his girl? After all, all is fair in love and war!
By E-mail

Dear Franka,
Are you sure you’re not confusing love with infatuation? You don’t really know this man or the depth of his commitment to his steady. If he really wants you that badly, he would have thrown caution to the wind.

Stay friendly with him by all means but go out with other men. Who knows, he might become available with time. Then and only then can you find out if you could be really compatible. Trying to steal him may be embarrassing in the end if he doesn’t fall into your scheme.

Retirement is depressing

Dear Bunmi,
Until recently, I was a top management staff in a manufacturing company, earning good salary with good perks. I attained the mandatory retirement age of 60 last year and retired from my job.

I had no serious thought of retirement and had hoped I would get on to do other fulfilling things. But at 6 1, still alert and full of bright ideas, I discovered that private employers want young staff who could grow with the firms. I’m 61 for goodness sake, not some tottering old woman! I would have tried a bit of trading but found it humiliating.

My pension is good so I don’t really need that much money. I just don’t want to resign myself to the rocking arm-chair yet.
By E-mail

Dear Labisi,
A lot of people, male and female, view retirement as a distant prospect they might never face, until they retire voluntarily or compulsorily. Unfortunately, the employement prospect in the country is bleak, even for young citizens.

With your background, you are better off re-training yourself to run a small business of your own. Business centers are doing fine. So are small secretarial schools. Trading too is fine so long as you are dealing in high profile goods that give you satisfaction. Running a small restaurant is good too if you find a decent location.

So give yourself time to think on what you would really like to do before rushing into a trade. Retirement could be both rewarding and relaxing if it is well planned.

Will my wife ever come back?

Dear Bunmi,
I was married for close to twenty years to my childhood sweetheart and we have children between us. She has always worked in the civil service and is well placed.

I used to be a chronic womanizer but a lot of us men womanize. My wife was always at my back to change and I tried to until I burnt my fingers when a casual lover got pregnant. She almost left me then but relatives stepped in.

A couple of years later the girl tricked me into having sex with her when I went to see our daughter and she got pregnant again. When my wife found out, she said nothing until I got home one day and found her things gone.

Now the officials of her ministry are threatening me with eviction as the house we live in was allocated to her. At first, I was angry but I miss my kids and miss all the things my wife used to do for me. She has refused to come back, insisting I should move in with my lover for a change. I have been advised to wait until her resentment thaws. Do you think she’ll ever come back?
By E-mail

Dear Damilola,
It is obvious you have pushed your wife to a point where she wouldn’t take your philandering anymore. One accidental pregnancy could be condoned, but a. second one is certainly asking too much of your long suffering wife.

Are you sorry she’s out of your life or sorry that the house and her services are gone? Why don’t you give yourself time to re-evaluate your priorities? Admitting to being a chronic womanizer will not help until you try changing that. Your wife might want to observe you for a while and could come back if she notices encouraging changes. No woman wants to throw away twenty years of marriage if she could salvage something out of it.

I’m now my friend’s boss

Dear Bunmi,
Felix and I started at the manufacturing company as trainee managers years ago. While I re-trained myself privately, he rose through the ranks. I did too.

Recently, the post of Assistant General Manager came up and about four of us were interviewed for the job. My training carne in handy and I got the job. Now Felix reports directly to me as my assistant.

I value our friendship and I just need pointers on how to relate to him in my new position.
By E-mail

Dear Yinka,
Congratulations on your new responsibilities. Your new promotion might bring you money and recognition, but it also brings subordinates that could be your friends. The biggest mistake new managers make is telling their friends that nothing is going to change. Of course things will change and saying something different might make you to be a liar.

A management consultant says that managers who tell you, “I don’t want to be liked, I just want to be respected,” are usually neither. Criticizing a friend can be tough, so be specific about complaints and always have the conversation in a place where you talk socially-not over beer at the peppersoup joint. It needs to be semi-formal so that he takes your criticism more seriously.


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