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Can my sex life be rejuvenated?

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been close to a group of women for a long time and we talk openly about various topics. Recently, one of our group member’s sister suffered a cancer scare and she was warned not to get pregnant for a couple of years. Our group was all for her not even having sex at all and joked that she should be glad to be off the boil! It was obvious  that some of them don’t have frequent sex with their husbands.

For the past few years, I’ve been struggling to overcome a dislike of sex. I love my husband but don’t feel like having sex as often as he does. Sometimes we start, but I soon lose interest. I think I have reached the age where sex loses its appeal! I’m approaching 50 and fear he could look for sex elsewhere.
By E-mail

Dear Kubirat,
There isn’t a universal age at which your libido switches off. Many couples in their 80s enjoy love making, while there are thirty-somethings who’ve sunk into sexual apathy.

“Use it or lose it” holds true for lovemaking. So maybe your friends got into the habit of not doing it. It could be causes of unresolved issues in their marriage.

But what about yours? Do you feel resentful of your husband or neglected by him? One theory for loss of desire is that the woman blocks herself with negative thoughts about her partner during sex. As you start off aroused but lose your desire, this sounds a possibility. Focus on the positive to see if that helps. And let your husband know you miss sex. He must feel rejected and will appreciate knowing you want to reconnect.

At 50, this is the time to enjoy love-making without inhibiting fears of pregnancy.

I am obsessed with my teacher

Dear Bunmi,
I am 17 and I’ve just started at a polytechnic. I really enjoy my studies but I currently have a crush on one of my teachers. Even though he’s in his 40s, he looks really sexy. Every time I have lectures with him, I get excited. When he comes up to me in class, I get really shy. I’m normally a loud girl but I’m very quiet during his lessons. I’m sure he has realised that something is wrong. All this is making me disoriented with my studies. Can you help?
By E-mail.

Dear Agnes,
As you’ve already observed, when you become attracted to the opposite sex, you think and dream of little other than the person who has suddenly become the object of your attention. And because you don’t know the person well, you’re able to fantasise that he’s a desirable and perfect person you’ll fall for is often inappropriate and not someone that would make a satisfactory mate.

So enjoy your crush while it lasts. Believe me, the thrilling feelings you now sense will soon pass. One day, not so far from now, your teacher will seem like just another middle-aged man. You’ll wonder what you ever saw in him. To end your crush more quickly, focus on all the sensible and down-to-earth things that tell you this teacher could never be your boyfriend. In time you’ll be able to give the love that you now feel to some nice young men who catches your eye.

He’s nagging me to have group sex

Dear Bunmi,
My current boyfriend is a real charmer and I get on well with his friends. A few nights back, we all went out together to a night club and there was some harmless dirty dancing.

Since the guys brought their own girlfriends, there weren’t any bad feelings. Only now my boyfriend has this crazy idea that we should have group sex with some of his friends.

He said he’s tried it before and it was not a big deal. What do you think?

Dear Angela,
You’d be out of your mind to even consider it. This whole thing suggests your boyfriend is far more concerned with having a bit of fun than developing a loving caring relationship with you. He’s much more interested in being good to his friends than considering what you want. As for his happy-go-lucky friends, they’ll see you as an easy meat from now on.

So say a firm no. If you still want to see this man after the suggestion he’s made, see him without this bunch of friends hanging around. And if he or his friends come up with another bright ideas, run a mile.

He finds condoms too fiddly!

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend is really hopeless when it comes to using condoms. Sometimes he can’t put one on at all, but at other times, they will slide on quite easily only for them to slop off even when we try smaller sizes. Please help!
By Email

Dear Leila,
It sounds as if your boyfriend would benefit from reading the instruction inside the packet before he next leaps on you! If the condom won’t roll on easily, then chances are that he’s not fully erect, or that the condom’s inside out. If it slips off during sex then it could mean that he’s wilted a little, or that it’s the wrong size.

A condom that’s too small will slip off just easily as one that’s too big, as it won’t fit properly in the first place. So perhaps your boyfriend should actually try using a larger size next time1

Our love has lost its sparkle

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been in a relationship with a man I greatly adore for close to a year. It used to be a passionate relationship but he’s been acting very withdrawn lately. I don’t think there’s anyone else; it just seems as if the magic has gone and I’m terrified he has stopped loving me. Is there a way I could tell if he still cares?
By E-mail

Dear Amina,
There is no foolproof way to tell if someone has stopped loving you. But there are clues. So try this quick test I came across recently to check the state of your relationship:
(a) Does he still have happy memories of when you first met?
(b) Does he still flinch away when you go to kiss or hug him?
(c) Does he talk positively about you to other people?
(d) Have you actual proof that he has recently lied to you or deceived you?
(e) Is he still talking enthusiastically about a future together?
(f) Has he started to refuse to do things that you want him to do?
If you said ‘yes’ to questions a, c, or e, score one point for each. If you said ‘no’ to questions b, d, or f, score one point for each. If you scored a total of six, it’s unlikely your partner has fallen out of love. You need to sit down and talk to him about what he thinks and feels. If he’s prepared to talk — particularly if he is willing to try to get things back on track then there is still hope.

Isn’t this toy boy too young?

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve just ended a terrible relationship that left me really heart broken. A few weeks back, I ran into this man at a wedding reception and we exchanged business cards. He looked terribly younger when he called wearing casuals than when he did in the agbada he had on at the wedding that I had to ask him how old he was. He said he was 29 and I’m 45!

When I told him, he was young, he said it didn’t bother him. My friends believe I should take it as a compliment that someone that young finds me attractive. Should I go for it?
By E-mail

Dear Lade,
I agree with your friends — take this as a compliment and enjoy it thoroughly. But it would be foolish to fall head-over-heels for this young man or expect a long term commitment.

This is almost certainly not something that is going to last. It is a fun fling to get you your confidence back after the break-up. See it as that and you’ll be fine. Get serious and you’re heading for another heartbreak.


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