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I’m going through every man’s worst nightmare!

Dear Bunmi,

Not long ago, my wife of almost 20 years went to a birthday party of one of her friends. I don’t usually go with her since parties like the one she attended are more of a ‘girlie’ do. Anyway, days later, one of her friends let it slip that my wife really went wild at the party. Apparently a lot of booze was available. She is a bad drinker but must have had more than her limit. Any way, she ended up kissing a much younger man at the party and both of them were eventually caught having sex in the toilet!

When  I confronted my wife, she looked really frightened.  She said she was really drunk and didn’t know when she ended up having sex with the stranger. She said she’d never done a thing like that in her life and promised not  to  do  it  again.   She  has  completely  destroyed  my  self-esteem  with  her thoughtlessness and my marriage has been violated. Is there anything I can do to come to terms with what has happened? My first instinct was to send her parking, but we have five children and they completely depend on her.

By E-mail

Dear Mike,
It’s true we all do things we regret under the influence of alcohol but your wife’s behavior is shocking to say the least. Why didn’t her so-called ‘friends’ stop her when they realized things were getting out of hand? Why did your wife drink so much knowing she couldn’t handle it? I’m assuming you think your wife’s behaviour is out of character, but what is surprising is the case with which she transformed from a loving wife and mother into a seductress. It’s a giant leap having sex in the toilet knowing she might be caught. Alcohol might make us lose our inhibitions but it’s rare that a person behaves so radically differently from how they would normally behave when sober.

The first thing to do is make sure she’s checked up for any STI since she had unprotected sex. The difficult part is to confront what was really behind her action. Is she bored with her marriage? Your wife certainly crossed many lines – she cheated and did so without a thought she might be caught. No wonder you feel destroyed and violated. Any decent person would. You need to get good counseling either from your church or from a good professional. The road to recovery wouldn’t be easy, but you need to make an effort to save this marriage. Good Luck.

Should I be doing this as his secretary?

Dear Bunmi,
I am a trained secretary. Some three years ago, I left the company I worked with to pick up a better job as a confidential secretary to the Managing Director of a private but big firm.

My job is very challenging and I love it. However, my boss expects me to do his personal shopping all of the time. At Christmas and family birthdays, he always asks me to shop for presents for his family. I don’t think it is right to expect me to choose his personal gifts to members of his family.

He knows their preference better than I do. How do I tell him this without trampling on his feelings?
By E-mail

Dear Joy,
You are not alone in this. Female office workers are often given this task because many men are uncomfortable shopping and consider it too time-consuming.

Even though shopping for gifts probably isn’t in your job description, your boss may feel that it is your obligation to do any assignment he gives you. If you are willing to risk your job, you can refuse to do your boss’ shopping.

If not, there are things you can do to make the situation easier on yourself. You can ask your boss to suggest several items that he thinks his family would like, and ask him to give you a price range.
If he can’t come up with any ideas, choose three or four items and let him make the final decision.


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