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My sex toys no longer work for me

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I’d been separated from my husband for almost three years and I often masturbate with a sex toy. But for the last years, I’ve found it impossible to climax and it hurts whenever I try the toy. What can I do to make it work for me again as I don’t want to sleep around. My best friend put it down to stress.
By E-mail.

Dear Sherifat,
If you’re under stress, then your friend could be right. Anxiety and worries are a common cause of what is medically termed anorgasmia. The brain is the biggest sex organ, particularly for women, and if your mind is troubled then your body is unlikely to relax enough to enjoy arousal or reach climax.

If you’re getting sore when using your sex toys, then this isn’t going to help. The pain will make it hard to let go. Make sure you get some good lubricant from a reputable chemist. Also, go easy with the vibrations- some sex toys can be too aggressive for delicate genital skin, particularly in older women.

Do you think he is a pervert?

Dear Bunmi,
I met my boyfriend towards the end of last year. He is tender and romantic and I’m falling in love with him as he is very generous to boot. Recently however, he suggested a threesome with my best friend! I was disgusted and very hurt and I let him know it. Immediately, he said that he was only joking and he couldn’t believe I’d taken the suggestion seriously. Do you believe he was just joking? Am I right to be so upset about the issue?

Dear Aishat,
I bet your man was testing the water to check out your response. If you’d said yes, he’d probably have been delighted. As you repulsed the idea, he’s back-tracked and said the whole thing was just a joke. If they were truthful all men fantasies about threesomes. It doesn’t have reflection on his love or his desire for you.

I doubt if he will ever mention it again. If he does, make sure that you don’t allow yourself to be dragged into something you don’t feel completely comfortable with.

Is he interested in marriage?

Dear Bunmi,
After three years of being an item, my boyfriend has finally asked me to move in with him, but he did it in such an unromantic way. From the look of things, it’s likely he only means for us to be flat mates! He says it makes sense to move in because we’re wasting money renting two places. No word was said about his wanting to share the rest of his life with me.

We’ve never discussed marriage but I would like to think this is a precursor to it. What do you think?
By E-mail.

Dear Onome,
How would you describe your man – romantic? If the answer is no, it could be that he’s just not comfortable making flowery speeches and felt less anxious presenting it as “it makes financial sense” than he did confessing undying love. Just because he didn’t say it doesn’t mean he’s not feeling it.

It would however make sense to be sure of what he wants before moving in. It’s totally acceptable to ask where he thinks the relationship is going after three years together. Tell him you’d be thrilled to move in with him but would like to think it is a trial run for marriage. If he sees it that way, you’re home and dry, if he doesn’t, then the next step to take would be up to you.

She refuses to discuss sex

Dear Bunmi,
During the last school holidays, I found condoms in my 20year-old daughter’s bedroom and I was convinced she’d been having sex with her boyfriend. They both attend the same university and whenever he visits, she sometimes takes him to her bedroom and shuts the door, even though I’ve warned her several times not to do that.

After finding the condoms, I tried to ask her whether or not she’s sexually active but she says it’s none of my business. How can I discuss responsible sex with her when she wouldn’t even give me the opportunity?

Dear Mofon,
If you think your daughter is having sex under your roof, then it is your business, and she should be made aware of that. If she refuses to discuss it, all you can do is remind her of your rules and how important it is that you’re able to trust and respect each other. The discovery of condoms means there’s a good chance she is having sex, and even though you may forbid it in your own home, don’t kid yourself that she and her boyfriend won’t find somewhere else to do the deed. You can’t force her to talk, but you can let her know that you’re prepared to listen and that’s just as important.

My husband made me a laughing stock

Dear Bunmi,
After I discovered I was pregnant, my boyfriend of two years decided we should get married. I now have an 18- month-old son and my husband is in a hot affair with this woman he knew before we got married. As a matter of fact, almost everybody we knew were aware of the affair, yet no one told me especially since she is well known to me I feel betrayed by everyone and have left my matrimonial home. I would have gone mad if I had stayed.
By E-mail.

Dear Felicia,
Your friends who knew of your husband’s affair and kept quiet didn’t do so out of nastiness but fear of what might happen if the truth came out. They were afraid to be honest with you in case you turned on them and they might also be wary of interfering in your relationship, hoping that marriage might change your husband for the better.

Your husband is the love rat here and while you now have to get over his deceit, don’t think your friends betrayed you too. They obviously believed they were doing their best for you.

My family hates my new husband

Dear Bunmi,
I met and fell in love with a man who is a couple of years younger than 1 am then married him shortly after. I’m in my early fifties and my four grown up children were against him from day one because they didn’t feel enough time had passed since their dad died.

My current husband is not an easy man to get along with. He was made redundant just after we got married and is into contractual business that doesn’t seem to be bringing in anything substantial.

Sometimes he frightens me, accusing me of staring at other men when we’re out or insisting I’ve said something when I know I haven’t. If I disagree with him. he goes berserk. Most of the time, I take it, but every now and then, I have to run away. Then we miss each other and I end up getting back to him.

We’ve split up some eight times already because of the rift between him and my family. In fact I’m currently staying with my eldest daughter as I write. My family says he’s dangerous and spineless and that I shouldn’t even think of going back. What do you think?
By E-mail

Dear Uju,
I don’t think you should go back to the life you were living, but that’s not to say your marriage is over. It sounds as though its never really had a chance and your husband’s tendency to control everything may be worse because of your family threatening to come between you.

It’s time for a new start for you all. Begin by getting your family together and telling them that you’re going to try and sort things out and need their help and not their interference. Then make an effort to talk to your husband or arrange for people he respects to counsel him.

If you can’t live together, then you should move to a neutral residence away from your family. In the meantime, make a vow that you will be happy whatever it takes. Since your first husband’s death, you’ve been hounded by everyone; now start making your own decisions and abiding by them.


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