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My family hates my new husband

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I met and fell in love with a man who is a couple of years younger than 1 am then married him shortly after. I’m in my early fifties and my four grown up children were against him from day one because they didn’t feel enough time had passed since their dad died.

My current husband is not an easy man to get along with. He was made redundant just after we got married and is into contractual business that doesn’t seem to be bringing in anything substantial.

Sometimes he frightens me, accusing me of staring at other men when we’re out or insisting I’ve said something when I know I haven’t. If I disagree with him. he goes berserk. Most of the time, I take it, but every now and then, I have to run away. Then we miss each other and I end up getting back to him.

We’ve split up some eight times already because of the rift between him and my family. In fact I’m currently staying with my eldest daughter as I write. My family says he’s dangerous and spineless and that I shouldn’t even think of going back. What do you think?
By E-mail

Dear Uju,
I don’t think you should go back to the life you were living, but that’s not to say your marriage is over. It sounds as though its never really had a chance and your husband’s tendency to control everything may be worse because of your family threatening to come between you. It’s time for a new start for you all. Begin by getting your family together and telling them that you’re going to try and sort things out and need their help and not their interference. Then make an effort to talk to your husband or arrange for people he respects to counsel him.

If you can’t live together, then you should move to a neutral residence away from your family. In the meantime, make a vow that you will be happy whatever it takes. Since your first husband’s death, you’ve been hounded by everyone; now start making your own decisions and abiding by them.

My husband made me a laughing stock

Dear Bunmi,
After I discovered I was pregnant, my boyfriend of two years decided we should get married. I now have an 18- month-old son and my husband is in a hot affair with this woman he knew before we got married. As a matter of fact, almost everybody we knew were aware of the affair, yet no one told me especially since she is well known to me I feel betrayed by everyone and have left my matrimonial home. I would have gone mad if I had stayed.
By E-mail.

Dear Felicia,
Your friends who knew of your husband’s affair and kept quiet didn’t do so out of nastiness but fear of what might happen if the truth came out. They were afraid to be honest with you in case you turned on them and they might also be wary of interfering in your relationship, hoping that marriage might change your husband for the better.

Your husband is the love rat here and while you now have to get over his deceit, don’t think your friends betrayed you too. They obviously believed they were doing their best for you.

I’m cut out of Mum’s will

Dear Bunmi,
My mum single handedly raised the two of us as our dad wasn’t all that responsible. I was mum’s favorite because I was able to go to the university on scholarship. I have a great job, am happily married with three lovely kids while my younger sister has spent her life hopping from one unprofitable business to the other. She spent her life scrounging so she would raise her two kids.

Our mum died a few months ago and I was shocked to learn she left her three bedroom flat and everything in it to my younger sister because “she needs them most.” I’m gutted and disappointed. She could at least have left me something in memory of her.
By E-mail.

Dear Feyi,
You can seek legal advice to see if you can contest the will. But if you can’t, bear in mind that, although your mum may have spent all her life feeling proud of you and all you’ve achieved, she may have been quite worried about your sister.

At the very end, she may have felt guilty that you were her favorite and she wasn’t, that’s almost certainly what motivated her to make her will the way she did. You already live in your own house, have a good job, lovely kids whilst she struggles on. Her will might be a way of adjusting the imbalance.

This shouldn’t make any difference to how cheated you feel about your inheritance, but it may make a difference as to whether you feel she loved you. And with time, that will be what matters most.


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