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I want my mum off my back!

Dear Bunmi,

I URGENTLY need someone to get my mum off my back! When she was in secondary school, she made the mistake of getting pregnant and dropping out of school.
After she had me, she met a man who encouraged her to go back to school. She did and trained as a nurse. They’re now married with two kids.

I am now 19 and my mum is afraid I’ll make the same mistake. As a result, I’m not allowed to date, talk unsupervised on the phone or even visit friends. She is virtually ruining my life! Sometimes, I get so depressed I want to have a fight with her. My step-father naturally supports her and my natural father is a bum or I would have opted to live with him. What can I do to make my mum realise I’m a young adult and could get a cellphone without telling her? This is the
21st century for goodness sake!

By E-mail.

Dear Elizabeth,
I suspect that, like most girls, you’re struggling to assert your independence. Not long ago, your mother was probably going through the very same thing.

That’s when she became pregnant and decided to leave school – a decision she’s grown to regret. Although it may be difficult for you to believe, she loves you and wants to spare you her pain. Of course, her rules are stifling enough to make you feel frustrated and depressed. But you mustn’t let your mum’s over-protectiveness make you so angry and rebellious that you do something foolish.

Next time you want to visit a friend, why not ask her mother to call yours to discuss the plans? Talk to her about bringing home your boyfriend when she’s around so she could assess him and see he’s a nice and respectable man. In other words, you have to demonstrate that you’re matured and responsible.

The New Year always brings bad memory

Dear Bunmi,
Last New Year, my fiance of just six months died in a motor accident that wasn’t even his fault. We’d planned to get married this year when the accident  happened. I’d known him for over four years. Up till now, the pain and anger of his death still consumes me. He was my lover and my best friend and only 27 when he died. Never had a chance to travel like we planned, marry or have children. Why is life so unfair?

How can I make peace with this tragedy and get on with my life? I’ve made some efforts but I seem to be sliding back to my hurt, especially with the approach of another New Year.
By E-mail.

Dear Rolake,
Your beloved fiance died barely a year ago, no wonder you’re still in mourning! The grieving process, of which anger is a natural part, often takes a long, long time. During this difficult period, you may find comfort by reading books on death and dying – religious books offer comfort along these lines. You need to speak to people who’ve gone through a similar loss.

Meanwhile, don’t worry. You’re coping with the trauma in your own way, at your own pace. The pain of such a loss never completely disappears, but it does grow less intense, giving way to acceptance and finally, renewal. In time you’ll stop hurting as you learn to live with your grief and embrace the bright future you have ahead of you.

Should I be worried about these lumps?

Dear Bunmi,
I KEEP getting pus-filled lumps on my vagina. I’ve been to the health centre near my office and they said it was nothing to worry about. I am however worried. They’re very uncomfortable and it’s so embarrassing. I can’t tell anyone about it, and I’ll probably never have a sex life again. Can you reassure me?

By E-mail

Dear Ngozi,
What you need is not reassurance; what you need is encouragement to go back to the health centre. The doctors are probably right and there isn’t anything wrong. But you need help firstly to get rid of these lumps, and secondly to retrieve your confidence and get your sex life back. So pluck up your courage and make another appointment, then insist that the doctor explains exactly what these lumps are and what can be done to heal you. You deserve to get this sorted.


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