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Why can’t I forget his betrayal after these years?

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I was with my current partner for a few years when he  announced that relatives on his side and his ex-wife’s side have decided they both should give their marriage another chance. He wasn’t legally divorced from her and they had two children together. In spite of the fact that our only child together was only a month old; he left to be with her. But it didn’t work out. About a year after, he came back begging for us to start again. I eventually agreed.

That was some two years ago and God knows I’ve tried to forgive, but I still feel very resentful that he chose her ex over me and my daughter. What if it had worked with his ex that would have been the end of the relationship? Can this relationship really work?
By E-mail.

Dear Abigail,
It is understandable that you feel betrayed by your partner. But you should always bear in mind that he came back to you – stop focusing on the fact that he left. It must have been very hard for him to leave his first two children behind; he is as much their father as is your daughter’s father. The fact that ultimately he chose you over them must mean that, in the end you mean more to him.

So be compassionate. Understand just how hard it must have been for your partner- and how much he must be suffering NOW because he senses you still can’t forgive him for what he did. For the sake of your child, don’t let your resentment win. It is time to completely forgive your man so your relationship can be healthier.

He didn’t tell me he was married

Dear Bunmi,
I met my current boyfriend through a colleague and we’ve been an item for two years now and we currently live together. When my colleague realized I was quite serious about him, she told me I was playing with fire getting involved with a married man.

I told her I never knew he wasn’t single. She said whenever he tells me he’s working away; he’s always with his wife. I was shocked. Secretly, I thought he would put my mind at rest by denying he was ever married. But he said he was but that he’s separated from his wife even before we met. He promised to get a divorce and I’m hopeful we’ll get married soon like he promised. Am I clutching at straws?
By E-mail.

Dear Ireti,
The earlier you woke up from your day-dream, the sooner you’d  realise you’re living with a smooth operator. Didn’t it occur to you to ask him WHY he didn’t tell you he was married? Even if he and his wife are really separated, surely it was worth a mention. I don’t believe for one moment he’s getting a divorce, and if you hadn’t discovered he was married, I doubt he would ever have told you. He’s using you as a bit on the side. Don’t forget he still has contact with his wife. I would dump him if! were you.

Should I go for the sex?

Dear Bunmi,
My current boy friend and I are seriously discussing settling down and starting a family. I am 26 and he is in his early thirties.

Recently, I ran into an ex-lover who is a happy-go-lucky man. We sort of drifted apart when we had a relationship. He now wants us to continue where we left off. I told him of my current partner and he told me he was not offering marriage.

All he wanted was to give me a mind-blowing fling before 1 settle down. He’s really sexy and a bit mad but I’m awfully tempted.

Should I go for it knowing I might not have another chance once I’m married?

Dear Lilian,
It’s not surprising that you’ve created this dilemma for yourself when you’re on the verge of making a serious commitment. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it – though if you get it, it might not taste so good!

If you’ve decided to settle down, you’ve got to make sure you’re committed. You can’t keep going back to your ex for cheap sexual excitement.

For instance if you end up having kids, would you still be playing the field because it is convenient?

Make sure you tell your ex it’s really over between you or every time you run into him he’ll put you to the test.

She compared me to her ex!

Dear Bunmi,
I was in the process of knocking on my current girl’s door on a recent visit when I heard her talking with two of her friends. They were obviously discussing men.

Out of curiosity, 1 eaves-dropped. You can therefore imagine how put-out 1 was when my girlfriend admitted that the man who jilted her, before we met, was a better lover than 1 am!

It got me really worried as I’d though 1 was a good lover. Now what should I do?

Dear Isiaka,
You’ve got to try to forget about her past especially since this man threw her over for another girl.

Don’t turn your sex life into a competition as your heart and mind won’t be on the job of being intimate and that could be a huge turn-off for your girl.

You have to decide what’s more important to you; trying to win some rivalry game going on  inside your head or having a satisfying sexual relationship with your partner.

In the meantime, you have to discuss your love-life with her to find out what exactly she expects from you. Do it in a way that is as relaxed, honest and light hearted as possible so she wouldn’t cotton on to the fact that you’ve eavesdropped on her.

Whatever you do, don’t ring up her ex to find out how exactly he did it!.


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