Dear Bunmi,
For years, I had a wonderful relationship with my ex and we made mind-blowing love together. He introduced me to oral sex, which I enjoyed, and encouraged me to shave off my pubic hair because it made oral sex better.

After we split up, my pubic hair has not grown back and I’m afraid to date another man in case he thinks I’m weird.

Do you think 1 should wait until it’s grown back before I start a new relationship? I’m in my early 20s and work in an insurance company.
Obukome,
By e-mail

Dear Obukome,
You’ll be surprised that shaving is not as uncommon as you think, some girls even go for weird and interesting patterns because it’s fun, sexy and as your ex realised, can make oral sex better. So you needn’t worry that someone is going to think you’re weird if you’re shaved.

But what’s the rush to jump into another relationship so soon after the end of a long-term one? It only takes a month or so for hair to grow back.
So, for emotional reasons, not beauty ones, I’d wait until you’ve got over your boyfriend, hair or no hair!

I can’t get her off my back!

Dear Bunmi,
I met this girl at a party and she was all over me. She gladly came to the flat with me and we had sex all night. The following day, she took my phone number and promised to call. But 1 really didn’t fancy more romps with her. In the daylight, she looked a bit like a hustler, so I didn’t pick her call when she phoned.

Now she sends me nasty texts and has used public phone booths to make threatening phone calls, saying she’ll make me regret the day I met her. How do I handle this?
Kingsley,
By e-mail

Dear Kingsley,
She’s right isn’t she? You’re regretting the day you met her already.! Not to worry though, the woman making this threat is the one with the problem, not you. People who are bullied can feel guilt and shame but that’s just part of the bully’s tactics and you need to ignore her.

Change your phone number if this will help get her off your back. If she still gets through to you, tell her firmly she should move on with her life - just as you’ve done. Next time a free lay rear its head, think twice. Like the saying goes, if it’s too good to be true, it probably is!

I still lust after him

Dear Bunmi,    
I am over 25 and haven’t    been able to find a suitable boyfriend for close to two years now and I feel sexually frustrated. A few months ago, I met a man at work and I was immediately attracted to him. One Saturday morning, he turned up in my flat and we had mind-blowing sex!

Soon after, he got a better job and relocated outside Lagos. He confessed when he called that he now lives with his girlfriend but made it clear that he still fancies me. I don’t want to break up the relationship with his girlfriend but if he’s hell-bent on being unfaithful, why shouldn’t it be with me when I want him so badly?
Tara
 Omole

Dear Tara,
Don’t even think about it! This man is living with someone else, popping round one morning for a quickie is no basis whatsoever for any kind of satisfactory relationship. Nothing is purely physical. You’re both human beings with hearts, souls and all sorts of emotions.

Don’t imagine you can indulge sexually without your feelings becoming involved. This is a recipe for a heartache and heartbreak - for you and for him.

Why not spend some time looking inwards? Try working out the reason why you haven’t had a boyfriend in two years. Pin down the problem and apply your energy to finding a man of your own instead of tinkering with someone else’s.

His kisses put me off!

Dear Bunmi,

I’m in a relationship with a guy I love so much. He’s very considerate and we are both professionals. The thing is that his kisses leave me cold. Much as I wouldn’t like to hurt his feelings, his kisses have started to turn me off completely. How do I train him to be a better kisser?
Idowu,
Abuja

Dear Idowu,
The worst thing you can do in this situation is to tell your man that his kissing skills leave something to be desired. That will just make him self-conscious and nervous. Imagine how you will feel if he said something similar to you. You would feel embarrassed and insulted. That is why you’ll need to take a more subtle approach.

When he does something right, be sure, to give him positive reinforcement by letting out little moans or giving encouraging words: “My goodness, that kiss was hot.” He’ll eventually get the point and think of his new kissing style as just another way to please you. Much like the skills he’s mastered —(I hope) below the belt.

How can I be a stud?

Dear Bunmi,    
I’ve had sex with a lot of women who complain that I leave them frustrated.
I am 36 and I have had an active sex life since I was in my teens, but I can’t last more than a minute.

I have been married for seven years with two children. My wife says she is getting fed up with my wham bam sex.

She complains sex is over before it started.
I am scared I will never change and my sex life might be doomed forever.
Supo,
By e mail

Dear Supo,
It’s never too late to learn to tune in to your body and control your sexual responses. When you feel you are reaching climax, slow down until the sensation subsides.

Even after you have climaxed, try and walk your way into starting all over again. The second time around usually last longer. With a lot of control, you should experience a longer staying power.

I need to get over his rejection

Dear Bunmi,

I had a seemingly happy marriage for five years until my husband dropped me two years ago without any serious reason. The only child of the marriage is with his mum.

I was devastated about the break-up and my confidence took a nose-dive. My friends now encourage me to get on with my life and look for a man but I’m a bit scared. Now this man on my street wants to take me out, but what if he turns out to hurt me like my husband did?
Sefi,
By e-mail

Dear Sefi,
Deciding whether to go out with a man on a serious basis after a major break-up is hard. You need to date in a way that raises, rather than lowers your self-confidence. Start by considering any offer of a date, even if it’s just going to a food ‘joint'.

You need to feel comfortable around men, rather than appearing desperate. Build male friendships. Talk to them, go to parties, get to know them. You will soon find your confidence increasing. Avoid men who are just out of a relationship too.

They’ll probably be feeling as vulnerable as you. Consider counselling so you have someone to talk to if you get anxious. Most religious houses offer this service.

Whatever you do, don’t go on dates with men who have had a bad track record or aren’t that interested. Date those who make you feel good and don’t sleep with someone until you’re sure they’re going to stay around.

You need to build your confidence in other ways instead of focusing only on ‘finding a man.’ So start social activities you enjoy such as sports or dancing. Don’t panic! There are lots of men dying to meet someone just like you.

Can our family doctor tell?

Dear Bunmi,

I am 17 and I want to go on the pill. My boyfriend is over twenty and I don’t want to rely completely on his using the condom as we have had unprotected sex a couple of times on the spur of the moment. We have a family doctor who is also a family friend and I want him to prescribe a pill suitable for my needs, but will he tell my parents? I don’t think I will feel comfortable by their knowing.
Bisi,
Ibadan

Dear Bisi,
Young people need not be reluctant to seek advice about sex from doctors or health centres because of fear that their parents will be told. A girl has the right to confidential advice about contraception, sexually transmitted infections, pregnancy and abortion.

Your parents will not be told unless you are considered to be in danger and this will be discussed with you first. If you are planning to have sex, you are acting responsibly by seeking contraception. Also, using condoms will help protect you from disease.

But why do anything that allows you to feel afraid or wicked and that must be kept secret? Confiding in your mother or an older sister will enable you to feel honest and more at ease about having sex. And they’ll be able to give you the sound emotional counselling a girl your age needs.

He's jealous and erratic

Dear Bunmi,
I’m 23 in love with a man a year older who still lives with his parents. His jealousy is ruining our relationship. I love him very much and I know that he loves me. We’ve been together for over a year. But he keeps walking out on me just when we’ve got back together. He’s convinced that I want to be with someone else man in my life who can satisfy me more sexually.

When I reassure him that I want only him and that he does satisfy me, he accepts it for a while and admits that he’s being silly. But then he starts accusing me of betraying him. I get angry and he goes back to his parents’ house. Then I chase after him and it starts all over again.

I don’t know how to change the way he thinks and feels. Because I was in a long relationship before, he’s convinced that I must want to go out and meet other men. I don’t know what else to do with him.
Bunmi,
Lagos    

Dear Bunmi,
I am afraid there’s nothing you can say or do that will improve your man’s poor opinion of himself. Its not your behaviour, but his low esteem, that convinces him that inevitably, you’ll betray him. His belief that he is inadequate is deeply rooted. He has a boyish belief that in a sense, his penis is smaller than other men’s. So how could he possibly satisfy you?

His breaking up with you has become a damaging ritual. He feels less threatened when he runs back home. There then followed moment of self-belief when you beg him to return to you.

Briefly, he feels confident and wanted. But because of his low self-esteem, this feeling, as you’ve often discovered, cannot last long. His sense of inadequacy always returns. So, next time he walks out, do not chase after him.

Gently tell him the truth, that you need a man who is not a yo-yo but a constant companion.
If and when he starts to believe in himself, it will be a long time from now and possibly with another woman.

He won’t let me meet his relatives

Dear Bunmi,
I’m a divorced mother of two in love with a married man. I love to hear his sexy voice on the phone and I simply melt in his arms when we meet I’ve told him over and over that I’m in love with him and he says he loves me too.

He shows this when we’re together and is financially supportive.
The problem is that he wont make a decision to formalize our relationship by meeting my people. He said he doesnt want a second wife and meeting my people would indicate that

As things are, he thinks he can have the best of both worlds. What can I do apart from saying goodbye, to help him make up his mind?
Tosin
By e-mail

Dear Tosin,
I’m afraid I wont become a part of your scheme to break up another woman’s marriage. Of course I understand your dilemma. Your divorce left you feeling rejected and afraid that you might remain alone forever. And here is a man, married but making himself available. Only, have you ever given a thought to his marriage?

He might profess his love - but men having affairs often do. While you’re busy pursuing him for love, he’s content having sex with you and his wife. So, why should he hurt his wife and slight her for ever?
If sex with him is all you want, fine. Only you II be playing with fire as the relationship would eventually fizzle out.

If you want more committed relationship, you must find the inner strength to distance yourself from this unfaithful husband.

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