I nearly died of fright as I made my way back to the main road and had to walk for a ‘long time before I arrived at another friend’s place who put me up for the night. Unfortunately, the man was not sorry for what he did and some of his friends agreed that sometimes, if you accept a lift you must expect to be made a pass at. Is this fair?
Susan
By e-mail

Dear Susuan,
You can’t rule out bad behaviour amongst some men no matter how respectable they look. Thankfully, not all of them are touts. To help you be on your guard, here are some tips experts advise you follow when going to a party or on a date:

Always tell someone which party you are going and when you expect to be back. Carry a charged mobile and money if you are travelling by public transport. Don’t take drinks from strangers, or leave your drink unattended. Met someone new? Don’t go home with them or ask them back. Arrange another date.

Agree with your mates to look out for each other. Then if you feel unsafe or ill, you’ll have someone to turn to. Don’t ever walk home on your own. Don’t drink and drive. Take car keys away from a friend who might be tempted. On public transport, sit near the driver with an eye to the exit door. If using a taxi, avoid unlicensed ones (kabukabu) and avoid a taxi that is already occupied. Lastly stay alert and aware. Think ahead-what would you do if something went wrong?

Frequent piles

Dear Bunmi,

I’ve had piles on and off for years and have been treated for them, only for them to pop up now and again. I am in my forties and married with children. Are there things I should do to minimize their occurrence?
Wemi,
By e-mail

Dear Wemi,
Piles are swollen tissues packed with blood vessels in the anal canal. They are usually caused by being over-weight, pregnant and having constipation. The typical symptoms are itching, bleeding and pain.
To prevent piles, it is important to keep bowel movements soft and regular by eating lots of fibre, regular exercise and drinking plenty of fluids.

If you are currently suffering from piles, it is advisable you see your doctor, especially if you notice blood. Keep your anus clean and dry. Also avoid long-term use of laxatives which can make your bowel lazy.

We want to get engaged secretly

Dear Bunmi,

I’m hoping to get into the university later in the year and my boyfriend is already in level one. I am 16 and he is two years older and we love each other. We’ve both agreed to get married before experimenting with sex, so it’s not as if we are rushing into anything. We have also agreed to get secretly engaged and not to tell our parents.

Our parents believe we are too young and should  be jumping from one partner to the next, but we’re happy the way we are. Should I confide in my mum with whom I’m close? My dad would hit the roof if he knew. Or should we wait before we tell our parents about our engagement?
Funky,
By e-mail

Dear Funky,    
At 16, you’re not yet matured. In five years’ time when you would have matured physically, emotionally and gained more understanding of the world and what you need from a relationship, you’ll be a very different person from the woman you are now. Your boyfriend’s sense of what he wants from life will also manifest.

Your understanding of what is important and valuable to you as individuals becomes clearer as you move to adulthood.

If you and your boyfriend stay together through this period, you’ll eventually either form a far deeper bond or you’ll part. Making a commitment to marry now is tempting faith. What you feel for each other might feel like love, but it’s nothing but infatuation.

Don’t discuss anything with your parents yet, what’s the rush since you’re not ready to get married? Many deeply loving and enduring relationships spring from teenage romance. Perhaps, yours will be one of them.

Lastly, getting engaged is just a promise to get married in future — it’s not legally binding.

He doesn’t seem to care

Dear Bunmi,

My boyfriend and I go to different universities and see each other only on holidays or during snatch visits. Since he moved to another state, it seems I’m always the one who is staying in touch. Once I decided not to phone him to see how long he’d go without hearing from me, we didn’t speak for months!

Whenever we meet, he assures me he loves me but I don’t believe him. If he does, why doesn’t he call?
Temi,
By e-mail

Dear Temi,
It is fairly obvious that, while you see yourself as being his girlfriend, he doesn’t see himself as your boyfriend. But he hasn’t got the courage to be honest with you and come clean about his feelings. Instead, he is simply hoping you’ll get the message and go away on your own accord.

Even when you challenge him, he just carries on pretending. Maybe he’s scared you would feel betrayed if he told you to your face he was no longer interested in the relationship, so he says he loves you when his action tells a very different story.

I’d walk away from this relationship if I were you. This man obviously no longer cares for you and what’s worse, he hasn’t the guts to admit it to your face. You’re still young enough to look for a more suitable partner.

Is my best friend fed up with me?

Dear Bunmi,

I’ve been close to my best friend from our primary school years and we used to have loads of fun. She got married early this year and had a child shortly after. Now she hardly ever returns my calls and makes excuses if I suggest coming over or going out together. Can I rekindle our friendship? I kind of miss her.
Marie,
By e-mail

Dear Marie,
When one friend goes through a major life change, such as getting married and having a baby, friendship can suffer. Remember that your friend is busy with new responsibilities, so try and bring the issue into the open.

Ask if she wants to keep in touch and discuss ways of meeting that might be easier for her. Perhaps she can't see you at night because of her new family but would love to meet you at lunch time, Realise that when you make the same life change, the pair of you will have something in common again and may renew the friendship.

So stop assuming the worst. Your friend may be backing off because she’s jealous of the freedom you have, so don’t take her actions personally. Friendship often fade and it’s no one’s fault. Don’t overreact because if your friend feels blamed, she’s less likely to want to keep in touch. It’s not the end of the world whatever happens There are other friendships waiting for you if you’re open to them.

Our sex life is dying

Dear Bumni,

My husband and I are in our late forties and we’ve always enjoyed an active sex life. But two years ago, he began to have problems getting an erection. Since then. we’ve had sex less and less. I feel rejected, as if I’m pressurizing him to sleep with me. How can I get him interested in me again?
Alice,
By e-mail

Dear Alice,
I can’t diagnose what’s wrong, but the most likely possibilities are a problem with blood flow or something to do with his nervous system. Medication could also be affecting him. So stop worrying about your relationship and instead get your husband a medical diagnosis. You may not only be saving your sex life, you could be preventing a serious medical condition.

Adultery soon after marriage?

Dear Bunmi,

I got married last year to a  man I’d dated for close to two years. I thought it was a happy marriage but recently, I found out that my husband has been sending provocative text messages to a girlfriend.
I’d never have known if I hadn’t checked his mobile out of curiosity. Needless to say, I am devastated and my seemingly happy world has fallen apart.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust him again.
I thought basis for infidelity occurs when a rut has set in not when you’re in the glow of a recent marriage. I noticed before that he was always looking at other women but didn’t realise he could take things this far. Do you think I should leave now that I have only one infant son to consider?
Susan,
By e-mail

Dear Susan,    
Stay where you are! Your discovery has obviously come as a shock to you. Your husband’s private messages to another woman seem to confirm that he might like to do more than simply admire the opposite sex from afar.

Your checking his phone points to the fact that you’ve been suspicious of him for a while. Establishing trust in a marriage requires a couple to be open with each other about their needs and their fears. It’s obvious you two haven’t reached this stage.

Have a word with your husband on how he feels about his new role as a married man, the hope you share for your young marriage and your mutual need for fidelity. Instead of running away from the problem, confide honestly in each other. Difficulties such as you are experiencing can deepen the emotional intimacy between a couple. Trust will then be able to grow.

My husband is addicted to sex!

Dear Bunmi,
I am 28 and my husband is three years older. We’ve been married for four years and have two lovely children. He has always cheated on me, even before we got married. Every time he has told me that these women mean nothing to him and that he loves only me, so I learnt to forgive him. As far as 1 know, he’s been quiet now for about four months.

I love my husband a lot and I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t get images of him with other women out of my head. I’ve tried to talk to him but he just gets angry and tells me to stop nagging. I’m scared that if I don’t put all this behind me and start to trust him, our marriage might suffer.

I don’t think I can cope if he leaves. I’m scared of being on my own in spite of the fact that I have a good job and 1 don’t want to meet another man only to go through the whole heartache all over again.
Tessy,
 By e-mail

Dear Tessy,    
Your response to this man’s repeated infidelity is inhibited by your fear of being on your own with two children. I sympathise, yet your well-being and success as a woman do not depend on any one man. Right now, this marriage is not making you happy.

You deserve the love of someone who will be true. A woman may rationalize her partner’s infidelity, as he is likely to do, and tells herself that his having sex with other people is unimportant. Your husband was telling the truth when he said that these brief encounters meant nothing to him.

He has opportunistic sex when it was on offer, not because the women are beautiful, not even for the sake of variety, but because it stroked his ego.

No woman feels secure if her partner has sex with other people, no matter how insignificant they are to him. Of course you’re plagued by cruel images of his infidelity. One day one of these women may gain his affection and steal him away from you and the children.

You must not tolerate this.
Don’t criticise your husband. Explain to him that his behaviour is endangering your love. If he still cannot commit, then you’ll either take him as he is or leave.

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