WHENEVER Lilian, one of the ‘gang’ is bored or restless, she noses around for an affair. This time around though, she didn’t have to look very far. Jake, her new target was introduced to her at a seminar, and I was the first person to call when the bait bit.
“He called, the next day we exchanged cards”, ‘Lilian gushed,” and we arranged to meet in his office. You can imagine how tall I felt when I announced my name at the reception and there was a member of staff hovering around specially positioned to take me straight to Jake’s office as soon as I arrived. An executive director, Jake looked quite distinguished and handsome in his tastefully furnished expansive office. He sent for lunch so we could talk. And did we talk! He confessed he’d always fancied me but had such a high regard for my brother he didn’t want to hurt his feelings – and he would feel bad if I were to say no.
“I confessed I wouldn’t have given playing around a thought then as I was wrapped up in my family. But now that Rex seems to be enjoying a bit of fun, why shouldn’t I test the waters myself? We didn’t rush things of course. Just talked and reminisced, then had one or two snogs. I’m seeing him again next week”. It was good to see Lilian sparkle for a change. She’d shed a hit of weight (or was it the girdle?) and she looked different already. She’d signed up at the gym nearest to her office and boasted she would soon be ‘drop it like it’s hot’ to handle!
I was, therefore, worried when next I saw her and she seemed to have lost a bit of her enthusiasm. I’d come in from a rather taxing presentation but she ignored my tired appearance and dropped her clanger: “l think I would give this affair thing a miss!” Having a conscience already? What happened? “You remember Joan, my next-door neighbour?” she asked. Well, who would have missed her? She is tall, quite pretty and a yummy mother of three. Her husband had refused to relocate to Nigeria with her. The last we heard of him, he was shacking up with a loaded foreign chick, though Joan didn’t give a toss. She’s done very well for herself too – lives in her own house and with a couple of state-of-the-art cars in the drive. Not overly friendly, she was currently having a hot affair with a public figure. I wouldn’t have matched him to any’ office’ if Lilian hadn’t pointed him out a couple of times in some of the soft-sells.
“Lover boy’s wife was at Joan’s house last night”, Lilian told me dramatically.” I was having a quiet snack when the maid rushed in excitedly. “Someone de damage mama Jnr’s (that is Joan) car’, she shrieked. I raced to the dinning window where I could see into her drive. Smash! A ferocious and extremely angry woman was swinging a contraption that looked like the pedal lock of a car and crashing it on the front and rear screens of Joan’s Jeep, ‘whore!’ she screamed for all the neighbours to hear. Joan hurried out of the house looking visibly shaken. ‘Are you mad?’ she yelled at the enraged woman as she surveyed the damage to her car. “You’ve been shagging my husband’, she spat, giving the jeep a couple more swipes. ‘Come here if you dare, so we would know who the mad woman really is.’ Joan rushed at her but she got a big punch in the face! A few seconds later , Joan’s driver appeared with some of the night guards and started rough-handling the wild woman. Almost by magic, a couple of policemen arrived on the spot. It is always amazing how the police always show up when the problem has nothing to do with armed robbers.
“The mad woman was taken to the police station with Joan. J learnt she was charged with assault, causing actual bodily harm, and criminal damage. Thank goodness there was no lasting damage to [oan’s face. What if she’d been hit by the pedal lock instead of a fist? That incident got me thinking – the same thing could happen to me if T start an affair with Jake!” “Don’t be absurd,” I chided, finding the whole episode hilarious. Some wives are really something else. It takes two to tango. One would have thought this irate wife would have smashed her philandering husband up a bit before having a go at the mistress. Fancy her taking the fight right to the doorsteps of the enemy!
I bet we wouldn’t be seeing lover boy for a while” Lilian interrupted my thought I reminded her that affairs are meant to be secret – not to be conducted in such a way that you’re caught’. Who wouId lay siege trying to catch her in the act? Rex?, she shrugged. “1 bet Joan didn’t bargain for what she got either’, she said stubbornly. A few days later, Lilian asked me to meet her at our usual buka. A decent place with a down-to-earth decor; one of its delicacies is fresh fish pepper soup. You point to any of the wriggling fish in the big bowl that you like, and it’s instantly killed and steamed in deliciously hot sauce! “Jake has agreed to meet us here after work,” Lilian gushed. Wasn’t she living close to the edge? What would she tell Rex when she eventually got home? “That I was with you,” she said smoothly. “These days, he lets me get away with murder once in a while.” We were about to dig into our steaming bowls of fresh fish when Lilian nudged me. “Here he is,” she thrilled as this handsome guy walked through the door in a two-piece native garb. So this was the gent Lilian had been raving about? “Pleased to meet you,” he said as we were introduced, shaking my hand, his voice confident. As we all chatted, I felt pleased Jake and Lilian seemed to be getting on like a house on fire.
She needn’t tell me she’d had a bite of the forbidden apple when next we met. She was full of how she was made a fuss of by Jake, the gifts he bought her and the way he actually held the door open for her! Was it any good? I asked her. She knew what I meant “It was magic! I’m just trying not to compare him to Rex!” I warned her never to even give it a thought, Since she was Jake’s flavour-of-the- moment, she would naturally have his attention. I bet he wouldn’t be that Iovey- dovey with his wife after all those years of marriage. “I don’t care,” she laughed recklessly. “I’ve been rejuvenated by this fling already” – she said, her eyes clouding over for a few seconds. Just as long as she realizes that affairs are only horsd’ oeuvres; they shouldn’t be mistaken for the main dish …