You’ve been seeing your man for, say, six months and the lust-ridden sex marathon you first embarked on has now slowed down to once or twice a week. So what are you going to do now? Stay at this stage forever? Or have a night of mind-blowing sex which will change your relationship forever?
Maybe it’s time you discovered stage two intimacy—the bit between first lust and full blown commitment. The good news is that experts agree this level of intimacy is achievable and there are no hard and fast rules about how to get it. It might happen on your fist date, after six months, or it might never happen. But one-thing’s for certain, if it happens to you, you’ll know about it.
“ After living with Jossie for just over six months, it’s fair to assume we know each other really well”, said Ifeoma, a 29-year-old beautician. “I’m not one of those super confident women who walk around in their bra and thongs in the morning, and I’d rather have sex with the lights out if I can. But all this changed when we went away for a long weekend. I’d taken one of those trashy novels with me and after getting to an extremely pornographic portion of the book whilst both of us were reading in bed, I just leapt on Jossie. He was totally taken aback which made us both even hornier. Only, what had started off as a lusty shag suddenly turned into this amazingly intense situation.
“Whilst having sex, I had the most powerful orgasm I have ever experienced and that made me almost want to cry. I think more than anything I was just shocked by what had happened between us and ended up bursting into tears because I was on such an emotional high. Afterwards, he told me he loved me for the first time and for the rest of the weekend, things just seemed different between us. We were always touching hands and kissing for no reason and we’d never been like that before.
“When we got back, some of our friends thought we’d got engaged or something because all of a sudden we were being really mushy all the time. If I was asked to say what has changed, I couldn’t give you an answer. I mean, I loved him before so it’s not that. The only thing I can think of is to say it was like discovering my soul mate and when you do that during sex it can’t be bad, can it?”
“When I first met Vincent”, recalled Rukky, “I was engaged to someone else. I bumped into him a few times through work and he was the only man who made me wish I hadn’t agreed to get married. Unfortunately, I had and did get married although the marriage only lasted two years. I met Vincent again at a private party and as soon as he realised I was single again, he didn’t leave my side. We talked all night and I went back to his house, which was a big thing for me because I’d never done something like that before.
“We had sex and it was just amazing. I remember thinking at the time, ‘this is going to ruin it for me with anyone else for the rest of my life’, I don’t know what it was other than maybe love at first sight. There was just this incredible intimacy between us – I felt that I knew him totally.
“With time, my feelings actually got more intense. Sometimes after sex, I get so emotional and I used to think, ‘God, what’s this all about?’ On a day-to- day level, it was the silly things that used to drive me crazy for him. One time, he spent ages winding me up telling me he’d bought me a brilliant present but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. Anyway, one night he came into the bedroom and said, ‘Are you ready for your present now?’ Then he pulled out a skimpy thong from his pyjama pocket and helped me get into it. It was so sweet.
“Before you throw up in disgust, you’ll probably be pleased to hear that the relationship didn’t last. Stupidly, I let it get to that horrible dragging out stage and I think the reason for that was because I’d experienced something I was worried I’d never find again. But once I accepted that those emotions
weren’t enough, these feelings switched off almost as quickly as they’d switched on.”
“The perfect conditions for real intimacy are love, trust and feeling comfortable with yourself as well as your partner,” says a sex expert. “Well, that all makes sense, but as we all know, wanting something and doing it are two different things. Not only have we got our wobbly bits to think about, there are intense emotions to be confronted too. In our culture it is rare that we really let ourselves go. Which is why a lot of people have sex when they’re drunk—they lose inhibitions. Intense sex can stir up all kinds of emotions and people are scared of someone else seeing them like that. They may worry it gives the other person some sort of power over them.
“Sex games are another way to encourage intimacy. But it’s important to give your partner some freedom of fantasies without becoming threatened or possessive. This is often harder for the women to accept so it requires sensitive handling. It is up to you. That gut-wrenching chemistry which used to make you squirm when you thought about the night before might have taken a back seat for now, but if you had it once, why not get it again? If you want it, all you have to do is try.”