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My daughter is going back to her abuser

Dear Bunmi,

I feel so helpless as a mother. A few years ago, my daughter became involved  with a very nasty and violent boyfriend. He was beating her up so savagely the police  had to be involved. To be safe, she let go of her apartment and moved in with me.

lovers
lovers

You can imagine my shock when my daughter told me she’s going back to this  thug. I’ve tried to reason with her, but she said she’s made up her mind. She said she  loves him. It’s now got to the point where I feel like beating her up myself whenever  I look at her. She’s now planning to move in with him as soon as possible. Nothing I  say or do works. So right now, I’m washing my hands off her and letting her get on  with it. I mean, what else can I do?

EIsie, by e-mail

Dear EIsie,

You gave birth to your daughter, brought her up and cared for her. Now you see her behaving stupidly and worse, putting herself in real danger. And no wonder it’s  also making you hate her. It may seem a strange reaction towards someone you love,  but there is a logic to it. You want to save your daughter, but she doesn’t want to be  saved. You’re scared because she’s in a dangerous situation, but she won’t listen.

It’s understandable you should aim your anger at the daughter who is giving you

so much stress. But you need to stay focused. Because your daughter is an adult,  there is precious little you can do for now. If she’s made up her mind, then that’s her  choice, though there is something you could do to help. Keep in frequent touch to let  her know you’re there for her. This isn’t important just so you don’t lose her completely.

It is also vital because her violent partner may try to keep her under his thumb by cutting off her contact with family and friends – abusive partners often do this.”Don’t give up on your daughter. In time, you may be the only one she comes running back to”


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