By Bunmi Sofola
As the number of young men who are addicted to sex grows in leaps and bounds, women (not hookers), who believe they couldn’t have enough of sex, like their male counterparts, are also jumping in at the deep end, drinking in the pleasure that sex offers. Yet, the fad remains that when it comes to sexual adventure, men are first in line.
Evidence abounds in the number of once respectable neighbourhoods that are now reluctant hosts to scantily dressed women on the prowl for men who want cheap thrills. All this type of women want is the cash. The men, on the other hand, want sexual adventure and are willing to pay the price!
Why is there such a ready market for lust? “Sex addiction is an illness,” says a psychologist,” just like dependencies on gambling, alcohol and drugs.” The reason some people begin this behaviour is to either gain pleasure or to erase painful or uncomfortable feelings.
They might have had a bad day in the office or had a row with the wife, so they watch porn video before they go to bed or if they have a ready bit-on the side, go out for a quick shag to relieve the strain.
“As time goes on, such a person starts to need more of that pleasure in order to get pain relief. And, that’s when addiction starts….” Chijioke doesn’t consider herself a sex-addict. She says she just loves healthy sex and doesn’t allow a little thing like marriage to rob her of her pastime.
“I almost burnt my fingers recently,” she confessed cheekily. “Now in my mid-40s, I found the attention of the 30-something year-old bank investment manager who services my investment in the bank quite flattering. It was inevitable that we started an affair, the man was simply built for sex and for a while, it was wonderful. For a few months, I was giddy with the satisfaction raw sex brought.
“When my husband mentioned the fact that he’d driven past and seen the banker’s car in front of my office twice, I knew my lover had to go. And, when next he called, that was what I told him. ‘I like you a lot,’ I told him, ‘but my husband is getting suspicious and he could be violent when crossed. I think we should cool things a bit.’ I thought he would take it in good faith.
I mean, how many women like me would he have on his list? But he really looked hurt and sinister. ‘You can’t use me and dump me just like that,’ he sneered. ‘I really love you.’
“My tummy turned. What had I let my self into? ‘Look?’ I reasoned with him, ‘you’re a nice man and married. I just feel I ought to concentrate on making my marriage work. It wouldn’t be so bad if you did the same thing and pay more attention to your wife.”
“He was really livid by now. ‘O yeah? You should have thought of that before you seduced me. You won’t get rid of me in a hurry.’ With that, he stormed out of my office. I felt sick with shame as my workers looked at me curiously when I came out of my office.
They must have wondered at our raised voices. Thank goodness I hadn’t told him where I lived – he only had my mobile number. So, I kept that turned off when I was at home. And, when pleading text messages started to appear from him, I quickly erased them. By that, I hope he would understand we were now history… I then told my staff not to let him into my office without first clearing it with me.
I was on my way home a few weeks later when he accosted me by my car. ‘Why have you been ignoring my text messages?’ he asked menacingly. That was it! I threatened that if he so much as got in touch with me again, I would not only pull all my investments from his bank, I would write an official letter of protest to his MD. That soon put paid to the harassment!”
“When your appetite for sex is ravenous, you get used from time to time,” said Tumi, a divorcee with two children. She was to attend a friend’s 40th birthday bash but had no car. Her friend volunteered to send another family friend to bring her to the party. According to her: “When Tom showed up, I was really pleased to see him as I hadn’t seen him for years.
As I got dressed, he told me about his failed marriage and condemned my ex for being financially irresponsible. I thought he would turn down my offer of a drink since we were going to have more than enough to drink at the party, but he didn’t. We chatted easily about old times and I don’t know to this day how he crossed over to where I was, telling me he’d always fancied me. In a minute, we were kissing. Could this be it, I thought? We were both single now, surely, we could make it work? My luck has certainly changed as I used to like him too.
“Within minutes, he’d inched me into the bedroom and fallen on top of me. I protested feebly, but he smothered my protests with his mouth and all the fight went out of me… Right then, morals loosened by alcohol, the only thing I cared about was the lust flaming in my groin. Moments later, both our clothes were on the floor. This wasn’t making love. It was pure animal, basic sex and for that moment the most exciting thing I’d experienced since my divorce. When we got to the party, my friend thanked Tom for bringing me, as she pointed to a lady saying: ‘Your wife was anxious about you, she wondered why you were late.”
His wife? I looked at Tom but he didn’t meet my eyes. I felt really cheap. I haven’t seen the bastard since then but even if I did; what would I say to him? Later, he sent a text message that he had a failing marriage but was not divorced. That he really cared for me and wanted us to meet up. I didn’t bother to reply…”
So, how can you tell if your spouse is a potential sex addict? Are they one if they like to read girlie magazines or go out occasionally on their own? Again, the psychologist explains: “A lot of men, or women for that matter, will buy porn as part of a healthy sex life. It’s not about the occasional purchase of a magazine or blue film. The trouble starts when these materials become more important than the other people in their lives – and when pornography becomes a way of helping them to fix their feelings rather than being a healthy part of normal sexuality.”