Why I won’t come near Nigeria (2)

NJC’S recommendation on the reinstatement of swiftly-suspended president of the Appeal Court , Justice Ayo Salami, one of the few men of conscience and courage the country can still boast of, headed for its final resting place under the carpet.

Cases relating to the gruesome murder of great Nigerians like Dele Giwa, Bola Ige, Alfred Rewane, Harry Marshall, Funsho Williams and others too numerous to recall are under the carpet.

Suppose these illustrious citizens of the country chose the period of my visit to launch reprisal attack! No, I would never step on the Nigerian carpet, let alone the red section of it, not even for a carrot of a third, fourth and fifth terms in office.

Even President Barack Obama, the most powerful man on earth, artfully dodged this enigmatic carpet. I doff my hat, though.

Nigerian firms are manufacturers of the toughest carpets you can get. The Nigerian carpet is the network with the largest coverage area in the world.

Fear of the unknown does nothing to endear the largest black people on earth to my heart. The more Nigerians believe they know, the more they know nothing.

It makes no matter they parade a huge number of professors and multiple degree holders with those lousy things my late comedian father would describe as “iwe bamba-bamba” – ultra-voluminous books.

If most of the numerous deserving executive felons in the country had, as expected, been brought to book, one would have understood what those lousy books contained. But never! Big for nothing books containing nothing!

Even journalists who pride themselves as investigative know nothing. Too many things are unknown inNigeriaincluding unknown gunmen, unknown assailants, unknown rapists and unknown bombers.

Poor Fela Anikulapo-Kuti! He lived in the analogue age. So he knew only of unknown soldiers, unknown police, unknown civilians which were all equal to unknown government. In this digital age, unknown entities rule the oil fields.

It is my regret, however, that I would miss the youths who rule the hi-tech world. I admire their resilience, creativity and ingenuity especially at inventing iconic mobile cheating devices for their WAEC, NECO and JAMB exams.

As I covet the high-riding Slippers I-Pad for boys, I scooped from unknown sources the girls are already perfecting their own version – the invisible Breastberry smart phone, to be cleverly concealed in the cleavages of their boobs.

As a way of compensating them, I have packaged some goody-goody which is in the pipeline. And they shall surely have it, provided unknown youths, riding on the back of protection of sacred cows, refrain from vandalising the pipeline before it is fully done.

Mr.  DELE AKINOLA, a public affairs commentator, from Lagos.