By Bunmi Sofola
NOW that the “Valentine’s Day” build-up is over, the cards (phony?) have been put away, the presents (either squealed over or dumped in the rubbish bin) have almost been forgotten, the emotions of the day is still raw for most people. Was the day as wonderfully fulfilling as you’d hoped? Was the sex hair-raising?
If you are a woman still sporting rose-coloured specs, the answer could be yes, yes, yes! For most men, however, the event was as good as one-night stand. Quite a number of men these days see casual sex as just- ‘a bit of fun’. They are loving in bed whilst they’re at it and, according to Smart, an athlete, “I’ll cuddle up to a fresh find, especially on St. Valentine’s day, but, it doesn’t mean anything. Over the years, I’ve perfected this cosy seduction technique that means many of my partners want more. Because I don’t want girls to dislike me after sex, I’ll be loving and look into their eyes and tell them I love them, even though I have no feelings for them.” And, his Valentine’s Day experience? ‘’I’m in between girlfriends, so I took home a girl I didn’t really have emotional attachment to and we had sex. The next day, she was back at my flat, expecting what? Unfortunately, I was with another girl and she shouted abuses at me.”
So, why do men relish what they call soul-less sex? When a woman sleeps with her bloke for the first time, she’s almost instantly committed. “It took me a lot of embarrassing one-night stands to realise first time sex means nothing to most men,” confessed Stella, a budding actress. “I believe that was how to find a boyfriend – you meet someone at a party or at a night club, go home with him and have sex, and then afterwards, you start seeing each other. But it never seemed to work out like that. Men make you feel incredibly special but it’s for one night only and it never, ever lasts. When I realised this was the case, I decided to stop having one-night stands.”
“Beneath the predatory front shown by many of us men, unresolved pain from a previous relationship often resulted in a binge of soul-less ,sex,” confessed Gabby, an advertising executive. Whereas women are able to work through their romantic agonies by talking to friends, men are more likely to suppress and deny the pain they feel.
After making a pact with themselves that they’ll never be hurt like that again, they’ll immerse themselves in an orgy of casual sex imagining it’s physically gratifying and, more importantly, emotionally safe (as long as they never call the next day). So, as more and more early relationships end- instead of leading to marriage, as they may have done some 10 to 15 years ago – it means more and more emotionally scared young men are out there, looking for nothing but casual sex:
“As I speak, I’m still in love with the ex-girlfriend who threw me over months ago and I am determined never to feel that much emotional pain again. The relationship lasted for all of three years and ended when she met another bloke where she worked. As a result, I’ve lost my soul mate -my first and only love. Believe me, I’d do anything to still be in her life. With this batch of girls I am currently involved with, marriage is definitely not on the cards, especially when you pick them up at nightclubs. What I feel for them is nothing like what I feel for my ex. Now, sex is sex and I doubt if any woman would ever hurt me as deeply as she did.”
“Young men and emotionally immature men often launch pre-emptive strikes -pulling out of an emotional situation before there’s any danger of involvement,” says relationships expert, Phillip Hodon. “They cannot come to terms with the fact that, ultimately, love causes pain. They also make generalisations-if they’ve had a couple of ‘bad experiences, they’ll say ‘All women cheat.’ Men can reduce a situation down to its bare function, which is why, after one night stand, they’ll see the sex as complete in itself, whereas women connect to feelings. That’s why, when he doesn’t call, a man feels it’s fine, whereas a woman feels it’s incomplete. There are plenty of men who do want a relationship, but for those who don’t, soul-less sex is understandable if they’re still dealing with pain and rejection. Male emotional pain is very private and, even if they’re scared of relationships, they still crave the intimacy sex gives. Men will talk about notches on the bedpost but the truth is that sleeping with lots of women is a self-esteem boost. It’s pathetic. The same goes for the double standard, “men have such low opinions of themselves they believe any girl who chooses them isn’t discerning. It’s depressing!”
Chike, a lawyer, said he loses respect for women who sleep with him for the asking. ”Three weeks ago, a girl I met at a party came to the chamber on a visit and had no qualms about giving me oral sex when I asked her. I honestly was expecting her to say no. The moment she unzipped me, I knew I would never see her again. The sex was great, but I would never want a woman like that to be my girlfriend.
I don’t think men are strange because we find it easy to have soul-less sex. Instead, I find it puzzling how easily women connect sex with emotion. You’ve just met someone in a club and you’ve slept together. Does that create an instant emotional bond? It shouldn’t. Emotions take time. Sex doesn’t. Women speed from zero to intimacy like a Ferrari. Men take longer. Which is more appropriate with a stranger? Also, some men might have lots of casual sex because they’re emotionally scarred, but I think most lotharios are simply genuine lovers of women.
“In my over 30-something years of existence, I’ve had over 30 one-night stands but my attitude to them have changed as I’ve got older. But even if you’re relatively emotionally mature, most single men, if offered soul-less sex, would say yes. Personally, I now make sure I’m completely honest with a woman if I am not looking for a relationship. The reason women feel so upset after casual sex is not because they’re in love but because they’ve been lied to. But it cuts both ways – I’ve never heard from some of the women again. At the end of the day, you’ll always have better sex if you’re in a relationship.
Who got it right? (Humour)
It’s the summer of 1960 and Chuck goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. When he knocks on the front door, Peggy Sue’s mum answers and invites him in. She asks Chuck what he and her daughter are planning to do that evening. Chuck replies politely that they will probably just head for the dinner or maybe go to the drive – in cinema and catch a movie. “Why don’t you kids go out and screw?” Peggy Sue’s mum suggests. “I hear all the kids are doing it.” Whaaat?” Chuck gulps. “Oh yeah,” she continues. “We know our Peggy, she sure loves to screw. She’d screw all night if we let her!” Chuck eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Chuck escorts his date out the front door. “Have fun!” Mum calls after them. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue came back into the house with a big grin on her face. “What a night!” she declares. “But for your information, mum, it’s called the Twist. The Twist!”
Good God! (Humour)
God appears to a man and tells him he’ll have to give up cigarettes, drinking alcohol and having sex if he wants to get into heaven. The man says he’ll try his best to succeed. A week later, God reappears and ask him how things are going on the abstinence front. The man says the fags and drinks were easy to give up, but when his wife bent over to take some meat out of the freezer, he just couldn’t resist. “We don’t approve that sort of thing in heaven, you know,” God says sternly. The man replies: They don’t approve of it at the supermarket either.