Is ovarian cancer, the silent killer?
By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
A close friend has just been diagonised with ovarian cancer. We’re all devastated as she had no serious symptoms. Yet it is believed that when caught early, the disease is treatable. My friends and I are eager to know what to do to prevent having it.
Mopelola,
By E-mail
Dear Mopelola,
Ovarian cancer, sadly, affects a lot of women every year as it is the fiftieth most common cancer in women. Yet awareness of the condition is still low as many women do not know what symptoms to look out for, leading to very low survival rate. Here are some guidelines given by medical experts to help awareness of the disease:
Those at risk: Ovarian cancer can develop at any age but is most common after menopause. In nine out of ten cases, there is no family history of ovarian cancer, so any woman can be affected. Early detection is essential. Currently most women receive a diagnosis after the cancer has spread to other parts of the body and this reduces the chances of a cure.
Early symptoms: These can be difficult to detect so it’s important women are aware of possible symptoms and keep a diary of their experiences to discuss with their doctor. Among early tell-tale signs are:
Pelvic or abdominal pain, moating, feeling full quickly when eating and loss of appetite, painful sex, constipation, need to urinate frequently, tiredness. These symptoms in themselves do not point to ovarian cancer, but if you experience any of them consistently over a period of a few weeks then you should make an appointment to see your doctor.
Diagnosis: Your doctor will examine you and any diagnosis will be based on a blood test, an ultrasound scan or by referral to a cancer specialist at your nearest hospital.
Treatment: The good news is that, providing the cancer is caught early, there is a 90 percent chance you will survive. So remember the symptoms and see your doctor for more advice. Also take a look at wwwovarian.org.uk.
I want him all the time!
Dear Bunmi,
I‘ve always had a high sex drive but it has become worse since I met my current boyfriend a few months ago. He’s so macho that sex with him is always amazing. As a result, I want to be with him all the time.
I’ve tried to act cool when he wants a few nights off to attend to other things but I still get annoyed with him for not staying with me. He’s beginning to get a bit irritated with me but this only makes me want him all the more.
I need your help as to how to make this relationship work.
Hafsat,
By E-mail
Dear Hafsat,
If you want to keep your men, you’re going to have to curb your sex drive. Remember you both had a life before you met and shouldn’t have to throw away that life now you’re together. Absence, they say, makes the heart grow fonder and sex is even better if you’ve had to wait for it. So don’t smother this amazing relationship. Find other activities to enjoy and leave the sex for when it’ll be fun for both of you. This might be hard at first, but with a little practice, you should be the girl he wants to come home to.
Our sex life needs a boost!
Dear Bunmi,
We have been married for close to 10 years with two children. When we first got married (and well before then) we used to make love fairly regularly. These days, we’re lucky to make love once a week. We both have demanding jobs but that didn’t stop us before. My fear is that we are taking each other for granted and we are too young to have a boring sex life. Help!
Joanne,
By E-mail
Dear Joanne,
Like any meaningful project, new life has to be injected into your love life from time to time. You can easily do this by bringing in new ideas about ways to enhance your sex life. Whether it’s a magazine article or a video with steamy sex scenes in it. Amongst the pointers given by experts are that you should begin by building up the sexual electricity outside of the bedroom-for example kissing while watching a film. You’ll both be gagging for it by the time you actually go to bed.
Your kids are still young and should have early nights. Alone in your bedroom, make love with the light on and your eyes open. This will create an atmosphere of openness and trust which will ultimately improve sex. Be honest with yourself and your partner about things that are worrying you; whether its work, or concerns about your past relationships. Clearing emotional blockages or barriers is an important step to your uninhibited ecstatic sex. Hold a monthly training session.
Touch each other and ask for detailed feedback. What sort of music turns you on? Be honest about his techniques but don’t completely rip it to shreds. Hold a monthly board meeting. “Are you having enough sex? Is one person initiating more than the other?” If so, negotiate a new term. Good luck.
I want him as a lover, not a friend
Dear Bunmi,
A few months ago, I became friends with this great guy. Eventually, we started going out and were into heavy petting. I’ve developed serious feelings for him. We’re together all the time but he doesn’t want to have sex because he’s afraid of hurting our friendship. I feel like we’re in a relationship already. Is he some sort of a freak?
Yosola,
By E-mail
Dear Yosola,
It’s a fact that women often underestimate male sensitivity. Even if you have not said it outright, this man can most likely sense that you’re already falling in love with him and your passion scares him because he is simply not ready to reciprocate. You’ve only known each other for a few months after all. It’s a little early for commitment.
Maybe he has rushed into relationships in the past and been hurt And he has a point! Sex does change things, sometimes for the better sometimes not. So what’s the hurry? Slow down. Stay cool. Enjoy these days of friendship without the sexual part.
In the meantime, you should see other people. Friendships are not exclusive relationships. Keep on learning more about each other, exchanging ideas and sharing. The sexual part will emerge one day as a natural next step. And if it doesn’t, the trust between you will have become so solid, he will be able to give you more specific reasons why he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Can’t do without my married lover
Dear Bunmi,
I’m in love with a married mother of two, though I’ve never really got married. I’ve had a live-in relationship that produced a son I admire. Don’t tell me to stop seeing this woman, I love her too much. We meet regularly and no, we don’t rip each other’s clothes off. Very often we just sit, hold hands and talk. I don’t think I could live without her in my life. Apart from being a superb lover, she comes round to my flat and cooks me delicious meals that I put in the freezer for when she’s not around. It all started as a bit of fun.
Now if we don’t see each other for some reasons, I know she’ll phone that night. The attraction can’t be just sex as we don’t do it that often. I asked her once if she would have married me if she was single and she said yes. Now I’m nursing the idea of snatching her from her husband as I’ve never felt this way about any woman, even the mother of my son.
Obi,
By E-mail
Dear Obi,
You obviously craved a new relationship after the one you had with the mother of your son. That is why you are investing all your hope on a mate who will make you feel wanted again in this adulteress. Yet she is a married mother and no matter how much you both love each other the fact remains that you’re her bit on the side to who she gives tenderness in return for sex. Pressurize her to leave her husband and you might be sounding the death knell to your relationship.
A married woman can never provide you emotional security. Walk away from this adulteress without looking back before she completely stripsyou of your self respect.
Separated but anxious to date again
Dear Bunmi,
Our marriage of nine years was going nowhere and my wife and I separated. My friends keep telling me that I have to get out there and find someone else. Quite frankly, I’m looking forward to the sex part with someone new as my ex was not all that hot in bed and sex was infrequent. But I’m scared about getting hurt again and unsure of when it’s acceptable to introduce a new person to my friends.
I don’t want them making out it’s serious if it’s not. On the other hand, if I do like the girl, I don’t want them giving her a hard time out of loyalty to my wife. Should I tell the new girl I’m recently separated or not mention it? What if she thinks I might be going back to my wife, which I’m not.
Gabriel,
By E-mail
Dear Gabriel,
Lots of people who quickly jump into a new relationship or a fling- are really just wanting a warm body in their now cold bed, trying to ease the pain of loneliness. Trouble is, you will invariably still have to confront the baggage from the break-up at some point and this is best done alone. When you date again depends on how long you were in your marriage, how serious it was and the nature of the break-up.
It takes some people years to get over those awful feelings of hurt vulnerability, pain or anger. Others find they did their grieving while still in the relationship – it ended emotionally years before they physically moved out and are ready to date within weeks. You sound like you need a little more time to sort out what went wrong before you ‘get out there’. I’d strongly recommend some soul-searching to figure out what your part was in the break up (it’s never solely one person’s fault) and how not make the same mistake again.
Your friends might say you’re ready but what do you think? The right time to date again is when you decide you’re ready, not when they think you are. Also, recognize there’s a difference between taking a lover and getting involved again. As for how to handle new lovers with your friends, just brief them beforehand on whether it is serious or not and trust them to behave accordingly.
